<p>My mom doesn’t even pretend to be fair. She gives according to her relationships with people, so she gives waaaaay more to my husband, who drives her around, does her banking and takes her out on dates than she does to my brother’s wife who barely acknowledges her existence. This year, Mom gave generously to my kids, with whom she is very close, and completely cut out my sister’s kids. She intended to be equal in giving, but the relationships are not equal, so she feels no further compunction.</p>
<p>My MIL used to crack me up. She didn’t owe me anything, so my feelings weren’t hurt, but the lengths she went to were amusing. If she bought her daughter a leather coat, I got a sweater. If her daughter got a new range, I got a toaster. If her daughter got diamond earrings, I got costume jewelry. Always a similar item, but at a fraction of the cost. But she clearly thought it out. Interestingly, my FIL always gave to the men in the family and gave the exact same to son and son-in-law. He was Santa to all the kids, though. So generous and fun about Christmas. That was a man who loved being a grandfather, may he rest in peace.</p>
<p>No gifts to anyone outside of the immediate family here (that would be my husband and two kids). We make a donation to a charity in the name of the family. </p>
<p>We don’t parse the amount of money spent…we get our two kids things they want that they would not buy themselves. This year, for example, we paid for a plane ticket for DS, and the MCAT prep course for DD. And NO we did not buy son a trip to Australia.</p>
<p>When our kids marry, I hope to get suggestions about what their spouse would like.</p>
<p>I’ve never “budgeted” for Christmas presents at all, and I doubt that my parents did. We also never did Christmas lists. We never gave wildly expensive presents, but nice things, carefully chosen. The whole “I HAVE to get something for X” and “I HAVE to get my Christmas shopping done, it is such a chore” mentality has always been totally absent from my family, thankfully. </p>
<p>H’s family did lists, and then you had to be sure not to get something “too good” in case another family member also got the item on the list and didn’t get one as nice. :rolleyes: For example, the first year one of his brothers had a scarf on his list, I was inclined to get one that was silk on one side and cashmere on the other, like a scarf I had given H. H explained that that would be a bad idea because if someone else got him an acrylic scarf it would look bad in comparison. My feeling was that you should get something a little special that the person would hesitate to purchase for themselves. We bowed out of the list thing after that. People can do their own routine shopping.</p>
<p>I think fairness is impossible when people’s circumstances differ.</p>
<p>My husband and I spent approximately the same amount on Christmas gifts for our son and daughter this year, but we also paid half our son’s transportation costs for his Christmas visit to us (he lives on the other side of the country). Our daughter (who lives less than an hour away) did not get anything comparable in value.</p>
<p>On the other hand, about half a dozen times during the past year, I have gone to plays or concerts with our daughter and paid for the tickets. Obviously, I have not done this with her brother because he’s on the other side of the country.</p>
<p>Does one thing cancel out the other? I have no idea. I never even thought of it until now.</p>
<p>We have tried with our kids to be somewhat even, though never exactly, it’s a balance. With the kid who lives far away, we have paid the flight home numerous times, yet the other kids gifts have not equaled the ticket price. Other years we have given a plane ticket to other kids for trips they wanted. We have a base budget amount we keep to in general, but will make an exception for special things.</p>
<p>I don’t have DIL’s yet, but older s has been with his gf for 2 years and they have lived together for one. We went out to see them and I actually initially spent more on her than I had thus far spent on my s, though I did get him another practical item of his choosing. I gave younger s a gift to give to his gf. They have dated for about a year, but they are young and I don’t think this will be a serious, long-term thing. Both girls are darling and we like them both, but cost-wise I did not spend as much on the gift for younger s’s gf as I did for older s’s gf. But hey, she really, really liked it, and the thought. And guess which one promptly wrote a thank-you note and won brownie points in my eyes? ;)</p>
<p>My first Christmas with H’s parents, MIL asked what I would like so I gave her a list with 5 or 6 items on it, said any of these would be fine. Yes, she bought EVERYTHING! I pared it down the next year to 2, but she always bought me about the same as she did for H’s brother’s wife. Both sons got more, but she insisted on the dollar amounts being exact. Every year H got cash to make it equal (think $2.69). She did go overboard with the grandkids, but we were okay with that.</p>
<p>My parents gave equal to sibs and inlaws, except they gave we three kids a cash gift, in addition to presents. We used ours to add to our IRAs and the kids college funds.</p>
<p>No dentkid has an SO yet, though when S had a GF, we gave her small gifts if she was here at Christmas. D has a very new BF, but did not want us to give him a gift (he was not here at Christmas).</p>
<p>S1 gets the bulk of this year’s dentkids’ gifts: he needs a suit, sport coat, shoes, and dress overcoat for his new job. I so appreciated that my parents bought me my first work clothing and coats, that we are doing the same for him. He was speechless.</p>
<p>I am with Marian in that I agree that it is difficult to be fair when circumstances can be so widely different, especially in a large family, like I have. With our kids and my brothers, it was no big deal if gifts varied in value because they simply did not care. My brothers married women who don’t care either. But I think that in order to prevent misunderstandings, it is a good idea to maintain some internal equity. If someone has a need, take care of it outside of the holidays and gift giving scene so it isn’t highlighted that you got one person an ipad and someone else a sweater. If the budget is tight, make that clear well ahead of time to everyone, and give gifts accordingly to everyone.</p>
<p>Got a couple of joint things for S and DIL, but I wound up spending more on DIL than S. She is far from home and family and I wanted her to feel special on Christmas, which is a big deal at her parents’ house. She and S flew out from CA to be at my parents’ house with the rest of my extended family. That was a big chunk of change on their parts. </p>
<p>Next year I will be more low-key (and will ship gifts straight to CA, as I expect they will go to England to see her family for the holidays). </p>
<p>We are Jewish and have not done much in the way of Hanukkah gifts since the guys were in elem school. I tend to get them things as a surprise during the course of the year.</p>
I’ve been with my husband for 31 years, married for 27. This year my inlaws gave me nothing for my birthday, not even a card and gave my daughter nothing. Then they gave my husband a card and a check for 50 dollars for his birthday. I’m hurt and angry at them and mad at husband for not knowing how to handle it. Thoughts???
My IL’s never had a lot of money, but I could always expect a nice card on my bday and a gift at xmas. My Father used to give gifts, then money on those occasions. Sometimes he will give a card and money to some of his kids and grands at xmas and nothing to the others. What I have figured out though is it has nothing to do with me or my kids, but the order in which he is signing cards. After so many he gets tired of it and quits. Then he forgets he hasn’t done the entire family. Now he does not even do that, even if I write the cards for the grand kids so he only has to sign and mail. He gives less and less although he can easily afford it. Same with my MIL. MIL no longer sends cards, but posts Happy Birthday greetings FB. When my Father stopped bothering to send cards, it bothered me a lot, because my kids noticed and felt hurt. Now my MIL does the same. I assume as one gets older it just seems like a lot of work to buy a card, sign it and put a check or money in it. I would not take it personal. But, it still bothers me that neither acknowledges the kids bdays.