<p>What do you do about gifts for your extended family? Do you still send gifts to, or exchange gifts with, relatives who you rarely see? Do you ever feel Grinch-like for deciding to reduce your gift list, for whatever reason?</p>
<p>My dh comes from a huge family. If we were to send gifts to all of his siblings, and all of his adult nieces and nephews who are on their own, we’d be shipping presents to two dozen households. I actually did send gifts to his entire family the first few years we were married, but only two people even acknowledged receiving them. Later, one sibling suggested drawing names among the adults and a price limit was set. That worked until several siblings compared notes and realized that one brother had made specific requests for his gifts but had never sent a present for the names he drew, and a few had failed to contribute their agreed upon share for a joint gift to their parents. (Aren’t families fun?)</p>
<p>For a long while, we sent birthday and Christmas gifts to our parents only and cards to other relatives. Dh reconnected with a couple of nephews a few years back, and they chat two or three times a year. Their wives got our address and started sending us photo cards of their children. As a result, I began sending a family present to each and always receive a nice note and new photos in January. Dh asked me if I only send them gifts because they write thank you notes and I told him no, it’s because I feel we have a connection with them that we don’t share with any of the others. Until I reluctantly joined FB and saw photos posted by some of his siblings, I would not have recognized most of the nieces and nephews or been able to keep track of their ages or interests. I told him, half-joking, that I’ll be glad to send a gift to any of his other relatives who take the time to send us just a card or letter over the holidays (positive reinforcement?). My guess is that we’ll hear from maybe one or two, if that.</p>
<p>H’s family buys gifts for everyone ( and I do mean everyone including friends). My family doesn’t do this, we all have eveything we need and want. And we are the only ones in H’s family who live away and have to ship all of the gifts. I went along with this for several years until I realized that the stress of it actually sucked the joy out of the holidays for me. That’s when I told them that we were choosing to opt out. We only buy for parents and the nieces/ nephews who are under 22/ still in school. That’s it. We do not buy for siblings grandchildren because that would include 13 kids! </p>
<p>H’s family were not too happy when we first did this ( we also cut the birthday/ anniversary gifts), but they accepted it. I now enjoy the Holidays so much more. </p>
<p>One thing I will mention , I hate the Scrooge/ Grinch label assigned to those of us who do not want to buy for everyone. I don’t judge or tell the others what to do, they are free to do whatever makes them happy.</p>
<p>We buy very few gifts any more, and it is a much happier holiday season without stressing over what to buy. Early in our marriage, SIL and BIL’s wife would send us gifts, so we would send something to them. I could tell by what they sent us that our tastes were very different so they probably hated what I sent them. So for a few years we made charitable donations in their names, but have gotten away from that now. For my family, sometimes I get something for my siblings we will see over the holidays. I try to keep it edible, because like us they don’t need any more stuff. We don’t buy for nieces/nephews (they’re all adults). I just get a few things for my kids and parents.</p>
<p>I still buy a few things for some nephews and nieces (early 20’s, some still in college), but generally that means gift cards. For folks that show up here for Christmas dinner, I give edible things - homemade jam, pickles, toffee, and vanilla extract. I sometimes support a local truffle maker too, by buying boxes of truffles and giving them out. Sometimes I find a new locally made edible product that I buy for everyone. </p>
<p>But yeah, at this point everyone has everything they need. One niece is having a baby soon, so that’ll mean years of gifts for the baby/toddler/child. I’m okay with that. </p>
<p>Dh and I still buy for each other, and we buy for the kids. It’s way less stressful than it used to be. I didn’t even try to get buy-in on giving away edible things. I just don’t feel the need to rush out and buy something at the mall for a bunch of relatives that can afford to buy something for themselves and probably have different tastes.</p>
<p>Originally we gave gifts to siblings children when they were young and drew names for siblings to exchange (so one gift purchased per person). When everyone was married we would pull couples names so only one gift per couple (only worked when everyone was married).</p>
<p>When monetary issues hit some of the siblings we all decided (on both sides) to quit with the gifts. Now I send my siblings a greenery gift each year (wreath, centerpiece, etc) because I want to and it’s easy, supports my son’s fundraisers and is disposable at end of season. One of my siblings sends local gift from their area (pecans–yum). Others do nothing, which is fine with me. I’m not obligated to buy anything and do what I do because I want to knowing that I’m not expecting anything in return.</p>
<p>It’s so much easier to not have to shop and try and figure out what people you only see once a year or less want for Christmas.</p>
<p>We are the only living aunt and uncle of my niece and nephew in their 20s. Always have a tough time figuring out what to get them and even remembering their birthdays because we see them once or twice a year(they live 5-6 hours plane ride away). They make no effort to stay on touch and we really don’t know them well. </p>
<p>We want to gift them, so I try to buy what I think they may like. I never get any thank you notes but believe their dad (H’s bro) is grateful. </p>
<p>I also gift anyone who has us over for a bday party and the kids who are not away at college yet, as well as my godchildren. Gift great nephew too. Gift godparents too–token gifts.</p>
<p>We cut exchanging gifts with most relatives (they requested it originally) a few years back. I exchange with my immediate family (small family). In-laws get a small gift (I’d feel bad). We focus on dinners and time together.
I always send somethings for one aunt (she lives alone) and to my nephews (still young) so that they know we exist (just told SIL it was happening–no need for reciprocation). Nobody is obligated for anything.
I like buying gifts when I know what people want or need. I’m leaning more these days to buying toys and gifts for kids who don’t have much.</p>
<p>HImom–“but believe their Dad is grateful”
I’m sure that’s very true. That’s why I said “So that they know we exist” about giving presents to the nephews.
Many, many years ago my aunt (dad’s sister) suggested to my dad that we stop exchanging gifts (cousins on that side). She was right on so many practical levels–kids are older, don’t see each other enough to know wants, costs money, causes stress etc. But he didn’t see it that way. We aren’t a big family and we don’t see each other often–and with small kids where is any connection if it doesn’t come at least once a year?</p>
<p>I like my BIL, so do what we can for his kids. We try to get together periodically by flying to their city once or twice a year. When they visit, we always g out of our way to entertain them. His kids and ours are close in age but don’t have much in common otherwise. They are much closer to my sibs and their cousins who live in HI, whom they saw many tis a month growing up. It is what it is; our kids wish they were closer to these cousins as well but really don’t know them much and those cousins don’t keep in touch.</p>
<p>We just called it quits on name-drawing this year. People would forget whose name they had, gifts would arrive late, and some people received no gifts while others received two gifts, etc. We’ve been fortunate and I enjoy gift-giving (but not the shipping aspect), so will continue. But I have absolutely no expectations of receiving any gifts.</p>
<p>We used to exchange gifts with everyone. Then they all got married and had kids. We gave to the kids until they graduated from High School. We tried the name drawing thing and it just didn’t work out.</p>
<p>DH and I backed out of gift giving to his family about 15 years ago. We make a donation to charity in the family name and send everyone a card telling them which charity we have chosen. </p>
<p>The money is better spent on folks who need it.</p>
<p>We ship gifts across the country to my SIL and her husband because she is our only living sibling, and it makes us feel closer to her and her Dh. We also ship gifts to my oldest nephew’s kids who are under five. He and his wife stay in touch with us, have visited regularly and we’d like his kids to know who we are and to know we think of them. I have three other nephews with children who we just send cards to, no gifts. It just evolved that way over time, and it’s fine with us.</p>
<pre><code>We are very close to some second-cousins of my husband with whom we often share the holidays, but we stopped exchanging gifts with the adults years ago. They live in the area and we usually see them at least at Christmas, usually more often. I still buy presents for their children, all under 12. I always ask their moms if it’s ok if we give them a gift at Christmas and say that we really enjoy it as much or more than their kids, and they are always gracious and appreciative. It’s a way of staying connected and letting the kids know they’re special to us. I ask because it makes it clear that their kids are a “special case” to us regarding the no-gift understanding, and I don’t want them to feel that they need to reciprocate.
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<p>We give to the service people who help keep our home up during the year, always money and sometimes a food gift as well. Other than that, it’s just the nuclear family, including my mom and MIL.</p>
<p>I don’t mind spending money on people I love, but other than that, I hate everything associated with gift giving. No one in my family needs any more “trinkets” or useless junk just to say we gave/they received. I <em>hate</em> shopping. I hate wrapping. Shipping is a pain. Most of all, I want to give something they want, and that’s difficult to do.</p>
<p>We buy for parents and our kids, two of whom now have serious gf. We also exchange with my sister, H and 2 kids (they are young). This year sis and I decided we should stop that, but it turned into a fiasco once we told our mom. We’re quitting next year.</p>
<p>Now I need to finish online shopping, because I am not setting foot near a mall :)</p>
<p>FallGirl, I didn’t mean to offend anyone here with my Grinch comment. That was actually directed at me by a SIL when I expressed my lack of enthusiasm for continuing with the name drawing and I took it to heart (back then.)</p>
<p>I’ve become more fond of food gifts, both to give and receive, especially for folks we don’t see often or who we know don’t want any more stuff in their homes. Holiday candies and petit fours have gotten very positive responses from the younger nieces and nephews. Adults said they’ve enjoyed such things as local stone ground blue grits, specialty pickles and BBQ sauces. </p>
<p>I’m not too enthused about charitable donations as gifts, unless someone has specifically requested it. A few relatives make their annual donations to their own particular charities, which may not be supported by others in the family, and then announce them as their “gifts” along with exhortations to follow their good example of generosity. One (on my side, not dh’s) actually sent an annual letter detailing his good deeds for the year. I later learned that he’d been enjoying the tax deduction for donations made with money he’d embezzled. Maybe his constant halo polishing should have been a clue that something wasn’t right.</p>
<p>This year, I’ve done at least 3/4 of my shopping for our kids using Amazon Prime. Local grocery store gift cards are going to several folks, such as the new (& most conscientious) trash collector. Target has been a good source for gift drives, thanks to their Red Card free shipping & 5% off. Even the local specialty food gifts can be ordered on line or by phone. I haven’t been to a mall in over a year.</p>
<p>No worries, silpat. I didn’t take it as you were calling anyone grinch. But I know that sometimes people who are really into gift giving don’t get that some of us just aren’t into it.</p>
<p>Truthfully, for all of the gift giving over the years by H’s family, they never gave us what we really wanted which was for them to come and spend Christmas with us. That was the one thing that would have meant the world to us (they were able to travel, just didn’t want to).My own parents have come to our place for Christmas 4 or 5 times and it has been so nice. Our kids love it.</p>
<p>We used do gifts for all (parents ,siblings, nieces). Our extended family is not close. We really are almost like strangers. Something had to change.</p>
<p>My sister, brother and I still exchange gifts ( our parents passed away years ago) with each other but not with the spouses and nieces/nephew. I find it to be very awkward and wish we could stop.We only see each other at Christmas. It’s seems so stilted. </p>
<p>DH sends his widowed Mom money. He sends his sibs ( they have no real relationship with each other) a food gift sent from a company in our state. He sends the nieces (3 teenagers) money every year but I have broached stopping that this year. We don’t know them, never see them. And they don’t even send a thank-you or any kind of acknowledgement of the gift. It’s like sending money to strangers. Ugh.</p>
<p>When my kids were very little we did the big gift exchange with my siblings who had kids the same age, but as the kids approached the age of opinions, we stopped wasting everyone’s time and money, much better that way. It is tough enough for me to find stocking stuffers for my grown kids which won’t later be in the donation bucket!</p>
<p>Oh, I do love the food gifts when we receive them!</p>
<p>Funny story, my entire life I have heard the frustrated stories of my mother who spent 30 years caring for her widowed mother. My Gran had nearly 40 grandkids and greatgrandkids with a huge age range. My mother has hugely horrid memories of doing all that shopping, to the point where she takes pride or satisfaction in cutting her grandkids off the gift list at a certain age. It is such a relief to her to be done with it.</p>
<p>But this year she has purchased gifts for half a dozen great grandchildren…and I get to ship them :rolleyes:</p>
<p>We exchange gifts with everyone on my side of the family.</p>
<p>My husband’s side of the family is another matter. My in-laws are very ungrateful, and my husband gets upset with their behavior. I still make him give them presents, because they are his parents.</p>
<p>His brother’s family is another matter. They don’t give anyone presents. My son is 16 years old and he has never received a birthday present from them. Nor did he receive bar mitzvah present. Instead they gave us invitation to their son’s birthday party during my son’s bar mitzvah. </p>
<p>For the record, we all live in the same city. They always come to our celebrations, barbeques and get togethers. We are never invited to their house, unless it is their kids birthday parties. As I mentioned before they always come to our house for a meal - which until recently happened quite often (at least once a month). We like to entertain.</p>
<p>For quite a while I felt taken advantage of and resentful, so this is the first year when even their kids did not get birthday presents and they will not receive Christmas or Hannukah presents from us. I also told my husband, that I am not inviting his brother and his family again, unless it is a birthday celebration when entire family is invited.</p>