<p>My S’s girlfriend that he has been dating almost 3 years HATES him performing. She always picks a fight with him any time there is something big that he’s doing on stage, starting with “you don’t have time for me,” etc. She then gets angry and refuses to talk to him, breaks up with him, etc. I ask him why he wants to be with someone who doesn’t understand what his passion for performing is about, but in the end he always gets back together with her. She insists that he check in with her by phone several times a day, no matter how busy he is, and expects him to give her detailed info on where he’s been and what he’s been doing. Even his little brother tells him he’s “whipped.”</p>
<p>Well, we just found yesterday that she is going to a school only 20 minutes away, so they can “be together.” I was really hoping he would leave her behind so he could concentrate on college, and maybe find someone who can appreciate what he is interested in. He’s worked really hard to get into a good BFA program, and I’m afraid she’s going to sabotage him with her antics. And advice?</p>
<p>It sounds like the problems in their relationship go far beyond her objections to his performing and the time commitments that requires. Have you spoken to him about the broader issues of each participant in a relationship needing the space to also be an individual and how important that is for a person’s health and well being as well as for the health of the relationship. You don’t indicate what your son’s response is when you question why he is still in the relationship but it sounds like he has some growing and learning to do before he is comfortable with insisting upon having his own space and not being strangled. </p>
<p>Fortunately, even though it is of 3 years duration, you are still talking about a high school relationship. A lot of things can change once a student is in college. Being in a new situation, meeting new students and making new friends, living away from home, all of these changes in context will hopefully foster a new sense of independence. Even though the girlfriend is going to school only 20 minutes away from your son, it’s not the same as high school; they will be living in different worlds, not seeing each other in the same high school building and classes each day. It will be much easier for him to have a separate life than it is now. Also, your son’s involvement in a BFA program will keep him involved for very long hours each day in his school responsibilities, surrounded by others who are focused and committed. He may find that not only does he have little time for this other kind of “drama” but also that the friends he makes in his program become a strong support group that assist him in emotionally dealing with the girlfriend’s antics and maintaining his focus.</p>
<p>I can understand how frustrating and anxiety causing this situation is for you. Perhaps over the summer you can talk with your son about the transition to college, his feelings about being in a BFA program, his life goals and priorities and how much different college will be than his high school experience. At some point you can talk to him about his thoughts on how he intends to balance school demands with those of his relationship. Unfortunately, though, you can’t do it for him. At some point he is going to have to make the decision to take the space he needs and to communicate his needs clearly. It can be as simple as limiting his phone calls with her to 1 a day and firmly taking the position that that is all he has time for because of his program demands. He may find that as he does this the fact that she also is in a new college experience results in her focusing her life differently too.</p>
<p>Thank you for the advice. This is our first child to go to college, and I think that even though you can tell them over and over about the level of commitment needed, they really don’t get it until they are there. And that’s true of any major. The demands of a BFA in music theatre sound much worse, from my research over the past couple of years. </p>
<p>I agree about other issues in the relationship. This girl is not at school with my S, currently attending the community college, hence her need to keep check on what he is doing all the time, because she isn’t there with him. She also went to another area high school, and feels very uncomfortable being with his friends. Her blue-collar parents have not been very supportive of her trying to get a college education, and I feel in a lot of ways she is using my son as a support system. Going off to school is really what she needs to be doing for herself, just wish S was not tied up with it.</p>
<p>I also feel that if she really cared about my S she would be supportive of his passion and career ambitions. I have been really impressed by the support he has already gotten from other students at the university, and I hope it will be enough to keep him focused, that and his love for music and theatre.</p>
<p>No offense to your son, but it sounds like he needed to get rid of this girl a long time ago. If after 3 years, she is still not supportive of his passion and has so little confidence in the relationship that she needs him to check in all the time, there is something seriously wrong. The way I see it, the relationship can only end badly, leading to lots of pain and distractions, two things way unnecessary in a BFA program. I hope your son is smart enough to realize that being with someone like that is not healthy. Transitioning into college will be hard enough without the extra, unsupportive, needy weight.</p>
<p>Georgia, if I can be blunt, I think one of the conversations you have to have with your son, if you have not had it already, is about birth control. You have a talented boy going off into a bigger world with new people. This girl sounds manipulative and jealous, and maybe with not so much going on in her own world. One way she can try to keep control over your son is with sex and perhaps an “unplanned” pregnancy. There had to be at least one ABC Afterschool Special about this. This possible issue aside, I think the changes that college bring will either end this relationship or water it down. Your S simply won’t have the time for her “drama.”</p>
<p>I have always told my D that if a boy doesn’t love about you the things you love most about yourself, he’s not worth your time. GOOD LUCK.</p>
<p>Sounds like this girl is very insecure and will hate anything that gives him attention or she isn’t in controll of. She will definitely hate the MT program, these kids are uber busy. I also agree about the sex thing, many young men are easily controlled by sex. Going away to college is a time of huge growth and maturity for most kids, this girl could really squelch that. Hopefully the personal growth and the process of making new friends will help your S to put girl in perspective. Make sure your S knows that this is a time of huge changes and that is normal for all college students, so if he feels that she no longer “fits” in his life that is ok and normal. Then maybe he won’t feel so guilty or bad if he wants to make a change. I guess I am saying you could give him “implied” permission. As tough as it may be for you, it must be his choice, but by carefully communicating with him that changes are normal and expected it may make it easier. Unfortunately many times the more we say can have an adverse effect on our kids. I second GOOD LUCK!</p>
<p>Just a caution. Coming across too negative towards GF may make it that much harder for him to let go next year. It’s that negativity thing. “If Mom and Dad think it is so bad then I have to try harder to keep us together.” You can be sympathetic and talk about changes if he mentions the issues with GF without coming across negative towards her. Even talking too much about changes may come across as negative to GF if there have been too many discussions. Agree about the birth control discussion however. All of them need a reinforcing discussion around now when so many things are ending and beginning.</p>
<p>At least she will not be at the same school and there is a good chance that she will get her own life after she meets new friends. And as a straight man in an MT program, your son will have much attention from the MT girls! Maybe things will take care of themselves without a nasty breakup.</p>
<p>This reminds me of a super talented man (over 50) in our community theater group who has a degree in theater, but was teaching another subject. His wife really resented the time he spent doing shows, and many times he would not audition because she didn’t want him to. Then she retired and started helping out behind the scenes, became involved in our “family” and everybody is happy! Moral: Maybe if the girlfriend felt like a part of his MT life, she wouldn’t be so against it. (Assuming they stay together.)</p>
<p>Although my D is young this has been the reason for ending most of her relationships with boys, even those in theatre. SHe was in a relationship with a young man for over a year. He also did HS theatre and was accepted into a local BFA in theatre, but he still resented the time she invested in performing. D’s boyfriend was a from a family with NO financial reserves and had to work at the end of HS and in college. This limited what he could do in theatre since he would have to take leave or negotiate his work schedule to accommadate rehearsals and performances. In the end he resented that D was and could afford (literally in a monetary sense) to be cast out of school shows, many that paid. Once she was cast it was a stressful balance for her to keep up their relationship and enjoy the intensity and closeness of the cast she was working with.
Your sons girlfriend may not hate MT (well she might but there may be solid reasons) or be so horrible, but it is hard on relationships even when both parties understand the demands. It may be hard on your son but in my opinion he needs to break it off, so he can move forward.</p>
<p>I agree that being negative toward the girlfriend will probably only push your son toward her. I recommend doing nothing. What MNK said is absolutely true: next year your son will be so busy with his BFA program that he literally will not have time to visit a girlfriend who is at a different school, even one that’s only 20 minutes away. AND he will be meeting lots of attractive girls who share his interests. The relationship will most likely die from attrition. If she thinks he doesn’t have time for her now, wait till she gets a load of his schedule in the fall!</p>
<p>Wow! I haven’t checked in for a few days (graduation is this week, we are very busy). Thanks for all the advice, although I’ll admit the hardest of it for me to take is NOT being negative, since I can’t understand why he’s okay being with someone who hates what he loves. But I do think it has a tendency to make him just more stubborn about it, so I will try really hard not to get negative, and just be excited for him about going off to school. I’m REALLY hoping they both get involved doing their own stuff, and just drift apart. She’s getting her associate’s degree this summer, so she should get her bachelor’s long before he does.</p>
<p>I agree that chances are better for him meeting someone else at college, where lots of kids will share his interests.</p>
<p>I think we need to remember that there are always two sides to every situation, although I am not saying that you are in the wrong here. Just that it’s a good idea to look at a situation from all points of view.</p>
<p>Sometimes parents cannot see the reason why a child has chosen a certain partner for that moment in time - and the benefits only become obvious later or after the relationship ends. And sometimes you need to be with someone who is not “ideal” for you at that moment to learn for the future and learn what NOT to look for in a partner later. Teenage years and early twenties are all about learning what works for you in a relationship - and what doesn’t. If you believe in your son’s character then you will believe that he must have a reason for staying with this girl even if she is apparently not supportive of his theatrical ambitions. From my (very distant) point of view it seems to me that she is simply worried that he will put performing first, her second and/or that she will get left behind. From her perspective, this is relatable, especially if she is young. He could be playing Chess or football at a high level and she may be reacting just the same, I don’t think it’s necessarily the theatre factor that makes her anxious. We also don’t know what happened in her past, maybe she was deserted by a parent, maybe she was abused, maybe she has other reasons for feeling very insecure about being loved and not put first. It’s impossible to judge from afar, so I am just throwing in some ideas. Let them figure it out for themselves and only get involved if he approaches the subject. That said, any kind of controlling partner (“where were you, who were you seeing”, etc.) can become dangerous and hindering in the future - but your son has to learn this for himself. And if you have faith in his judgement he will make his decisions accordingly when the time is right for him. I remember taking most of the advice my mother gave me, storing it away for a few years and then remembering it, as I was then ready to use it. Sometimes parents can be right about something…but the child is just not ready to take it in at that moment in time.</p>
<p>Also - it is no secret that marriages and relationships in the entertainment business are notoriously known to be problematic and often don’t last long. This goes to show what kind of emotional stress can be put on a relationship when one or both persons put their career first or on an equal level as the relationship. I was single all throughout my training as I felt it was impossible to commit to both that and a full on relationship equally.</p>
<p>So very true, JIJane. Sadly, I’ve seen this happen to so many theatre couples we know who are both in the business, particularly in the past few years. Even, and maybe especially, when both are having success onstage, the relationships and marriages often do not survive.</p>
Georgia - yikes she sounds like a female version of my daughter’s ex (yay) boyfriend. I don’t think MT is the problem - she would probably act this way whatever he is doing. I know my Ds ex did - even if she went out to eat with her brother he would call 6 or 7 times. I could never understand why she would even answer the phone sometimes when he called to harangue her but after they broke up she told me she was under constant threat that he would break up with her if she did not answer the phone. I don’t understand to this day why she tolerated this behaviour. But of course people with these controlling personalities don’t show that side of their nature on day one so there is usually a large amount of affection and time invested in the relationship when the behaviour rears it’s ugly head.</p>
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There is not really much you can do or say. I *know *it is difficult to keep your trap shut. I would try to but there was no duck tape strong enough when his more exessive behaviour happened. She was always making excuses for him. They actually went to the same college after HS and even ended up in the same dorm. We were horrified. It actually ended up being a good thing. She was convinced that things would improve once they were more free to spend time together and out of the stress of their HS environment (they went to a math/science ‘prison’). In reality she discovered things did not get better and half way through the first semester realized things were not so rosey - at the beginning of the 2nd semester they broke up. Nothing we said or did really made a difference. But I think our negativity towards him stopped her from opening up to us about her feelings at he time when she was realizing things were not going to get better as she had hoped. She eventually realized for herself that she ‘could not do this anymore’ and they broke up. It is such a pleasure now to see her excited about her life again. I look at her now and the difference in her is so amazing. She is making plans and doing things she had always wanted to do but put on hold because of the jealousy issues. </p>
<p>So the best advice - try and keep it to the negative comments to the minimum (this is a case of do as I ssay not what I did). He needs to be the one to see this will not work. I posted a comment on another thread on CC about my inability to keep my mouth shut and a poster gave me a piece of advice -“You have two ears and one mouth - use them proportionately” - good advice though really hard to follow ;)</p>
<p>My D jokes that she accidentally gave her boyfriend “the theater bug.” This year he has auditioned for a number of community productions and has been rehearsing and performing nonstop. She is delighted for him, though she doesn’t get to see him as much.</p>
<p>I think Georgia’s son’s problem will solve itself come college time; this relationship sounds doomed. Good luck with that!</p>
Sometimes parents can be right about something…but the child is just not ready to take it in at that moment in time.</p>