<p>she asked boyfriend to commit one evening a week to her and when he refused, told her she was ruining everything when he was so close to his divorce, etc,</p>
<p>???</p>
<p>This seems odd to me. This guy is a jerk, so why wouldn’t he just give some empty “commitment”? What would it mean? Nothing. Something is odd. He says he’s divorcing, so why not give a “commitment” promise. What does giving a commitment promise mean? Nothing…so why doesn’t he give it? What would it “ruin”? </p>
<p>Something isn’t right here.</p>
<p>That said, both of the people involved are morally and ethically-challenged. It’s not like she didn’t know he was married. She’s participating (and encouraging) the breakdown of a marriage.</p>
<p>My first thought is, what the heck are YOU getting out of this relationship??? It seems that you are expending a tremendous amount of psychic energy and getting nothing back. especially because this is a two month friendship, I would immediately distance yourself and move on. How can you possibly respect a woman who behaves like this? Yes, she clearly has self-esteem issues, but it’s not your problem. Spend your energy on your other friends who are more in line with your emotional/intellectual self knowledge and respect.</p>
<p>My thought is that you are a new friend to her, and she needs a new friend now because her old friends got worn out. She knows everything about her situation, but won’t change anything. She just needs someone to cry to, and as soon as you get worn out by her, she’ll get another new friend to take your place. In other words, she is using you. Wise up and move on.</p>
<p>I feel sorry for her son. I don’t feel sorry for her.</p>
<p>I would end the friendship now. Seems like you might enjoy playing amateur shrink or something as you admit that you don’t get anything out of the friendship. There are just some people that can’t be helped. But even more so, why would you want to be friends with someone who has no problem having an affair with a married man? Sounds like you have different moral compasses, what exactly do the two of you have in common? You said that you attrack strays, why do you think that is? Get out while the getting is good. Why do you want to go down that rabbit hole?</p>
<p>I expect you come across as a very warm & non judgmental person, but it can be very draining to be around people who are energy sucks.
You deserve someone who can be a friend back.</p>
<p>Gave friend my “advice” two weeks ago…
Haven’t heard from her since.<br>
Guess it was all the things shes heard before, she’s just not ready to listen yet.</p>
<p>I guess I’m fortunate that she didn’t “suck” more energy from me. But I still feel like I lost a “friend”. Even though I know she wasn’t really a friend. Maybe just feeling used.</p>
<p>Maybe. But I suspect she wants someone who will listen to and sympathize with her “boyfriend” issues without being such a strong advocate of change that it is no longer comfortable for her.</p>
<p>The advice I gave was to tell my friend the truth about her realtionship. That it was hopeless, hurtful, deceiptful, damaging, etc. All things she already knows. </p>
<p>She has attempted to end the realtionship many times, to no avail. She has succumbed every time to his pleas to continue the relationsship. Other than her teenage son, she is all alone. Family is on the opposite coast, twin sister stationed in Iraq. No friends, because she’s never been able to maintain a friendship while involved in the relationship. My guess is that her boyfriend doesn’t encourage her to have friends…who may tell her the truth about him…</p>
<p>I suggested that my presence at this juncture in her life, might be to provide her with the support she needs to end the relationship…for good. I offered my support to do whatever I could to help her. </p>
<p>The prevailing wisdom here on CC was that she is not worthy of my friendship, shes hopeless, useless, a liar etc., etc. I believe in redemption, so I offered my assistance and friendship, her silence must be an indication that shes not ready for that… yet, anyway.
I could not continue the friendship, knowing what I know, without telling her my thoughts, and giving my advice.</p>
<p>I forgot to add, that I think part of my insistance on being “sympathetic” with her is based on the fact that she is alone. I can’t imagine not having my siblings, parents, friends close by when I need someone to lean on. I imagine that it makes breaking off this relationship more difficult for her as well. Perhaps for her, having the little bit of attention/affection or whatever she’s getting from him, even under the outrageous circumstances, it’s still better than nothing.</p>
<p>Have been through this many times before. Here’s what I have learned:</p>
<p>You can’t save someone from themselves. Even people who really want to change and are in therapy working hard to do so often have a very difficult time. It can take years to address the underlying issues that lead a person to get into this type of situation. Low self-esteem, issues with feeling defective, loneliness, poor cognitive skills, etc.</p>
<p>A person in this situation is generally looking for someone to vent to, not advice. Even if they will listen to your advice and agree with it, they often can’t overcome their emotional issues enough to follow it.</p>
<p>Best thing to do is say your piece (which you did) and then it drop. You can choose to remain friends or not but you have to decide whether you are willing to listen to her vent non-stop. There is absolutely nothing wrong with saying, “I want to be your friend but I’m not willing to discuss your situation over and over again.” She will then be okay with that or she will drop you because you no longer are willing to let her dump on you. What she is essentially doing is triangulating the relationship between the bf and you. Instead of addressing her issues with him and making a decision about the relationship, she vents to you and that relieves some of the pressure she is feeling and then she doesn’t feel as strong of a need to make a decision. In effect, you are enabling her (unwittingly, of course) to stay in the relationship if you are willing to let her talk about it relentlessly. I speak from much experience on this subject.</p>
<p>As for feeling the need to ‘rescue’ her, (how do I put this delicately?) I think you know no one can rescue another person. Sometimes when people have this urge, it means they have issues of their own. For example, people often want to rescue alcoholic friends or family members and of course, when you care about someone, you want to help them overcome their problem but there is often a underlying need to ‘fix’ others, that is not considered to be emotionally healthy. Just food for thought.</p>
<p>I suppose then that having a friend there for her, even under the circumstances, might (or might not) make it a little easier for her to break off the relationship. </p>
<p>That could be challenging for the friend, though. Thoughts might cross the friend’s mind: maybe she really doesn’t want to break it off? Maybe she is just using me? Can I be, should I be, how much should I be, available for someone who maybe doesn’t want to break it off? What am I trying to accomplish? What brings me want to do that?</p>