<p>I am seeking advice from anyone willing to give it on how to help a friend. This is a relatively new friendship (2 months) and slowly details are coming out that are very disturbing to me. Initially, friend said that she was three months out of a 3 year relationship that she ended because she was not being treated as a “priority”. Last week, friend tells me that boyfriend has returned and is proposing “changes” to the relationship. When I ask what changes are being proposed… the truth comes out. Boyfriend is married, but has been saying that divorce is pending for 3+ years, NOW - divorce should be final in 2-3 months. I know, we’ve all heard that story before. But theres more. Friend knows that boyfriend continues to sleep with wife, wife makes lunch for him every day etc. etc. For the bulk of their relationship, time together has been spent in a stolen hour here or there. Sex in the back seat of cars. Boyfriend is encouraging her to have her 17 year old son enlist in the service (she even said he probably wants him out of the way)…
This friend is a 43 year old educator and is not STUPID by any means. So my head tells me that she knows what a horrible relationship this is, that she’s been duped etc., etc, and that she doesn’t really need/want me to tell her to RUN from this guy. And I guess it’s really not my business, but I can’t continue the friendship and watch a beautiful, smart, considerate women be abused. HOW can a woman allow herself to be abused this way?
What would any of you do in my position? I feel like I need to rescue her…but I’m not sure she wants to be rescued and I don’t have Prince Charming in my pocket to offer up as a replacement. Any advice on how to help, or how fast to run from her would be greatly appreciated.</p>
<p>I tend to keep my friends’ partners out of my relationship with my friends. Only with “family” friends are we all together. I have had a number of friends whose partners I despised and who were simply no good. I don’t talk to them about their partners nor do I give advice. Somehow the relationships have survived among us even though some of those partners have not. </p>
<p>If it’s too much for you to do this, then find other priorities and things to do.</p>
<p>^ I agree with cpt. Even if your advice is solicited, what could you possibly suggest that your friend hasn’t already considered during her three-year relationship with this man?</p>
<p>
Not only is she being abused by this man and the man is abusing his W, but this friend of yours is also abusing the man’s W since she knows he’s married yet continues to carry on with him. If that family includes kids then your friend is abusing them as well. That’s blunt but it’s the gist of it.</p>
<p>I don’t know why you’d want to hang around with someone like this. Not only is she an abuser in the way I mention above (that some here might not agree with me on), but she has her own share of self image issues to subject herself to this. </p>
<p>Some people need an outsider’s perspective to help them see the light and past some of the emotions they’re caught up in. If you feel that you have the type of relationship with her where you could discuss things like this with her and you feel you should do it, then why not? Probably the best advice would be for her to seek some kind of therapy to figure out why she’s doing this. It’s possible, maybe even probable, she’ll just switch you off in case that’ll probably be the end of her as a friend but in that case have you actually lost much of anything? Probably not.</p>
<p>Although ucxx_dad was far more polite than I am about to be, I don’t get your take on the situation.</p>
<p>Your friend is being abused??!? She’s having an affair with a married man.</p>
<p>“Beautiful?” I don’t doubt it. “Smart?” Questionable, at least in this instance. “Considerate?” Are you kidding me?</p>
<p>Whether this is a friend or an acquaintance of yours, I can’t judge. If it’s a friend, follow ucxx_dad’s wise advice. If it’s an acquaintance, you might want to dial back your involvement - sounds like you do not have the same values. And if it’s an acquaintance but you decide to stay involved, no… you should not offer advice.</p>
<p>I don’t think she’s being abused. I think she’s deluding herself – and perhaps the guy is, too. </p>
<p>The person who seems to be a victim of abuse here is her son, if, as she says, he is being pressured to go into the military. Of course, enlisting is a good choice for many young people, but perhaps college or a job would be a better choice after high school for this young man. I would hate to see him being coerced into enlisting if that’s not his preference.</p>
<p>But I don’t think you can do anything about it.</p>
<p>If you really want to say something, the only thing I can envision saying is, “You realize how stupid this situation is, right? You know that as long as he’s sleeping with his wife, he’s not yours, right? You realize that he’s probably not getting divorced and is leading you on. And even if he’s not, you know that a guy who will cheat WITH you is a guy who will cheat ON you, right? If this is really what you want to do, it’s your choice - you’re a grown up. I just wonder why this is a situation you want.”</p>
<p>Then let her tell you. If you still want to be her friend, then fine. If not, and I can’t see why you would - lack of integrity on both their parts - end it.</p>
<p>Thanks to all of you for you “take” on the subject.</p>
<p>I call my friend abused because in spite of everything she’s got going on, she has some serious self-esteem issues that are allowing this man to take advantage…
No, she is not innocent because she knew he was a married man (albeit a in-the process of divorcing married man, but that was 3 years ago). One of the first discussions she and I had centered on the cowardice of men who cheat on their wives… instead of dissolving a no longer working marriage without cheating/lying. She truly believes the divorce is imminent. She also believe the wife knows about her, and the only reason the two are together is for their teenage son (until he finishes his exams).<br>
At one point during our last conversation, I asked her how she thought she would move on with her life knowing that she caused hurt to a family and her response was to break down and tell me “that she didn’t like herself anymore, because she was feeling, saying, doing things that were not her”. She is seeing a therapist… can anyone imagine a therapist not telling her that this relationship was poisoning her whole life??? </p>
<p>So I’m guessing shes heard many times that she needs to end this relationship from many different people. I guess I just wish someone had the “magic words” that I could say to make her truly see the light.</p>
<p>Others have pointed out (correctly, I think) that she’s doing a lot of things wrong, and deluding herself. But in addition, she’s not being an appropriate mother to her own son. She’s even close to being the role model for women that she should be to help him develop healthy relationships of his own with women. </p>
<p>Rather than tell her anything, however, maybe the most constructive thing you could do is to say something like, “look, you know there are problems with this relationship, for you, your son, your boyfriend, and for his entire family. Instead of confiding in me, perhaps you should go to a good family counselor who has more experience than I do in helping people work through appropriate courses of action for themselves”.</p>
<p>If she’s seeing a therapist, there’s nothing left to say. There are no magic words.</p>
<p>I haven’t read the other posts but I have been thinking about this a lot.
What would any of you do in my position? I feel like I need to rescue her…but I’m not sure she wants to be rescued and I don’t have Prince Charming in my pocket to offer up as a replacement. Any advice on how to help, or how fast to run from her would be greatly appreciated.
This woman has clearly been thinking with what is between her legs, rather than between her ears ( sorry that is the best way I could put it)
I am not one to mince words & I think a friend ( acknowledging this is a new friendship), is someone that has the best interests of their friend in mind, even if they are the mirror they don’t want to look into.</p>
<p>WHen someone is depressed- they aren’t thinking clearly & it is their friends role to help them with a new perspective.
Someone who stays with someone who treats them badly can’t be anything * but* depressed, even if they bury it down deep in their psyche.
They need someone who will remind them of their strenghts & help them to a place where they don’t have to be in denial to live their life.
If you don’t feel you can be that friend to her, I feel it is right to say that- & that might even be the wake up call she needs to start living for herself & her son.</p>
<p>Tell her this old adage, “When a man marries his mistress he creates a vacancy in that position”.</p>
<p>I’ve watched a few friends go down this road over the years. My guess is that there’s also drugs and/or alcohol involved. Your friend has a lot of problems, and of course you’d like to help. But… she has to want to be helped, and I don’t think that’s the case, because she’s been lying to you. </p>
<p>Me, I’d say straight out: “Do you want help getting out of this terrible situation you’ve gotten yourself into? Because if you do, I’ll help. If you don’t, I’m sorry, I won’t stand by and watch as you wreck your life and the lives of others.”</p>
<p>
My advice to you is to borrow a large sum of money from this woman, and promise to pay it back “soon.”</p>
<p>Seriously, I like dmd77’s advice. She may be looking for somebody to tell her what she already knows. If she isn’t, then there’s nothing much you can do.</p>
<p>Thanks to all of you again!</p>
<p>I love posting here, for the support, ideas, answers and advice from others. </p>
<p>Some great suggestions here. We became acquainted in a unique way… I tend to believe </p>
<p>that people come into our lives for a reason. I hate to push her away, maybe it’s meant </p>
<p>for me to try and help her “realign” her priorities. If thats not the intent, and I’m minus </p>
<p>a friend in the near future, I guess that was meant to be as well. At least I’ll know I tried </p>
<p>to help.</p>
<p>If your friend had no children, I would have very different advice here. But the thing that jumps out at me is that she is being a terrible, irresponsible and hurtful mother. If she wants her son “out of the way” and is pushing him to enlist (again, a solid alternative for young people who seek that commitment, but that is certainly not the impression I’m getting in this case) for her convenience, this is pretty rank. So if you were put here to help, maybe the person you were meant to help is the boy, who is the innocent victim of a self-absorbed, dishonest (She even lied to you!) adult who does not have his best interests at heart. </p>
<p>I do not see your friend as the victim; I see her as the victimizer. </p>
<p>I am way more concerned about the self-esteem of a boy whose parent wants him out of the way and is pushing him toward the most dangerous possible alternative – an alternative that puts his life at risk – than the self-esteem of the mother. She is hurting someone else; please don’t in any way, shape, or form help her do that. </p>
<p>You sound like a kind, caring person who deserves kind, caring friends. She isn’t one.</p>
<p>Not only is she being abused by this man and the man is abusing his W,</p>
<p>Very true…</p>
<p>and since Wifey is still making his lunch and sleeping with him, I doubt divorce is really being processed. Sounds like another lie.</p>
<p>And…good heavens…what would she have if she were to get him? She’d have a man who cheats on his wife!</p>
<p>Many many years ago I had a friend who was the mistress of a married man. She could never make plans in advance, because he might call. She could never count on his showing up, because he might have to go home. The relationship was completely on his timetable, on his terms. She told me a few times that she was much better able to adapt than he was, so she felt it was her responsibility to drop everything in order to be available. I pushed her a few times to drop him but she didn’t. So I finally told her that I was uncomfortable with how she let herself be treated and didn’t want to be friends anymore. She was quite shocked at that.</p>
<p>I don’t know what eventually happened since that was my last contact with her.</p>
<p>I want to clarify the son enlisting point as it may well be the very thing that makes her see this relationship in its true light…
My friend is not encouraging her son to enlist, she wants him to attend the local community college…its her boyfriend who is telling her he should enlist.<br>
I think I’ll ask her if the boyfriend will also be encouraging HIS son to enlist next year when he graduates from high school. My guess is the answer will be no, and I’ll ask her to explain to me why not? Any man who truly loves her should/would have some degree of fear/concern that something could/would happen to the child…</p>
<p>Update…
Conversation with friend yesterday reveals that she asked boyfriend to commit one evening a week to her and when he refused, told her she was ruining everything when he was so close to his divorce, etc, etc. she told him that she was no longer interested in what he was offering. This has happened many times before, to no avail… she’s always gone back. She tells me that her way of dealing with the situation is seclude herself, giving herself time to think, sort out feelings. I told her that hadn’t served her very well in the past, and that maybe, our friendship came about, when it did, so I could help her deal with this a different way, maybe with a more successful outcome, which would be the END of this poisonous relationship. She knows it’s bad… she knows everything thats been discussed in this thread, that shes caused hurt, that theres no good future with this guy, but we all know how hard it is to break from a relationship, even when it’s bad for us. I’m reminded of a quote “sometimes you put up walls not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down”. How do I break down that wall?</p>