@bopper - I should have asked here before I texted him!
I’m taking notes. Both of my sons tend to the over-worn and under-groomed. S2 dropped the ponytail when he finally recognized that long hair in the country where he’s working is more of a political statement than it is here. Still needs to groom the beard better.
They come by it honestly; DH wears nice suits and shirts, but still looks like Rumpole.
This can work both ways. I appreciate my kids nudging me to get with the times a bit better and give a little direct instruction in things I could do better. No one else will do this for me! At the same time, if I don’t say certain things about their appearance or occasionally deportment, who will? It is a carefully considered minefield however.
I find that texting is not the best form of communication when anything “big”, complex or sensitive is the topic. I have started to request a “quick call” if there is that mismatch. So much easier to use humor, ask a casual question, and convey warmth in a conversation, while tone is harder to assess in a text. One can work a topic in and see how it goes.
I try to steer clear of advice unless asked. Some things do need to be discussed and then my effort is to ask how they think it could best be handled. If I feel concerned, it has been helpful to ask myself how urgent it is. Usually it can wait and conversations may go better a day later or I am clearer that it is best to just let it go. I appreciate this discussion as many of us seem to grapple with the question at some point.
@“great lakes mom” Good point. For example, when Heartbleed hit a few years ago, our sons both got in touch with us about changing passwords, etc. We already had, but it was still very sweet (“No, dudes, this is serious, you have to do this now.”)
@travelnut - your considering “urgency” is wise. I’m filing that away. Thank you.
I would say something if he was going to work in clothes that had holes in them or were stained
One will get unsolicited advice all throughout adulthood (wait until one is pregnant or a new parent!). Most of it is well intentioned. I hope I have taught my kids that secure adults aren’t threatened by it-they may smile and nod, and disregard the advice, or give it more thought, or whatever, but it is just one person’s opinion, which they may choose to consider in their adult decision-making or not. Unless I know there are problematic motives behind the advice, I would generally appreciate someone offering it as trying to pass along their experience or wisdom. May not be sufficient to sway me, but it may be.
When I was a very young lawyer, I saw a woman not hired because the partners were appalled by her nail polish. Do I think that is right or fair? No. But it had genuinely never occurred to me that could ever be an issue. Times have changed, and I don’t think that would be an issue today, but I always remember that no one said a word to her about the polish, and I wondered if it kept her from other jobs too. I don’t think you can expect that HR or a boss will necessarily raise sensitive issues.
@roycroftmom Good point. No one wants to be seen as being too easily offended or too think skinned. And most advice is well intentioned.
It’s one thing to get unsolicited advice as a one off here and there but when it’s constant, from a parent, it can feel suffocating, especially if that’s been a life long pattern. I don’t care how great someone’s self esteem is, constant criticism gets old fast.
I gave my 29 yr old unsolicited advise this past weekend. His wife posted pictures of him snowboarding with no helmet. I couldn’t help myself.
I tend to preface advice to my sons with a warning that unsolicited advice will follow – and don’t try to have a discussion about it. I also gift the boys clothes or gift cards for clothes shopping.
My funny story about upgrading my new husband’s wardrobe – he’d been wearing Fruit of the Loom dress shirts and they were limp and horrible. I threw them all away about the first month into the marriage and replaced them with nice new brand name Oxford cloth shirts from a factory outlet (the real kind of factory outlet – this is 35 yrs ago). My SIL commented to my MIL that I must be (wasting money and being lazy) sending the shirts to the laundry because they looked so much better than they had when MIL was doing his shirts (H lived at home until we were married). And … still married.