Our 20 yo son lives with us. I generally keep my mouth shut when it comes to haircuts and shaving. When I think S should have a haircut I will tell him when his dad is going to go (“Dad is going for a hair cut this day and time, let him know if you want to go with him”) and I tell him that his dad will pay for S’s haircut if they go together, not if they go separately. I also make a big deal out of it when he shaves, telling him how good he looks, etc. but don’t say a word if I think he needs a shave.
I don’t want anyone telling me they think I need a haircut, so try not to do that to the kids.
so what about this scenario? My 25 year old is vaping, but doesn’t know we know. We know. I don’t know how often, how much, nicotine or not. Who knows why? So do I tell him all the facts? He’s on his own, (we still pay a couple things), or do I just not say anything?
Vaping, no I would play deaf and dumb. But then, I don’t have a problem with vaping. Not a choice I would make but can certainly understand why a young person would.
I try not to give unsolicited advice about my kids appearance. I try not to give my H advice either. I want my kids to have good confidence in themselves. My mom loves to make comments about my appearance and my housekeeping skills. It’s very hurtful frankly and doesn’t help. Yes mom, I have thick glasses, I know you wear your contacts all the time. Yes I get that I’m so much better looking when I wear my contacts. But it’s uncomfortable to wear my contacts all the time like you do.
I have a lot of confidence issues, not sure I should blame my mom, but her constant comments don’t help. My husband is very confident in himself but he doesn’t listen or care what other people say. His mom told him over and over again how wonderful he is. If I have to lean one way, it would be to have kids who are comfortable with who they are.
I think we are all shaped by our upbringing.
Saying all that, when my son was starting out and got a job where he was at his companies headquarters, I gave him some nicer business casual clothing. Since he hates shopping. I noticed that he wears that brand to work now and has said that he needs to be more dressed up because of his location. He figured it out.
My D on the other hand does not want any advice. It was hard when she decided to color her hair bozo the clown red. My sibling on the other hand had no problem telling her how much she hated her hair. For some reason, unsolicited advice does not seem as bad when coming from an aunt. When my D talked about some cosmetic procedures, I told her she is beautiful but that I am supportive if she wants to.
@deb922 , thanks for your advice and I’ll take it! I know I can be a controlling person, so I have to watch it, but I’m much, much better and on the right path. I need threads like this to read to help me keep my mouth shut. I think I’m doing ok, because the one that doesn’t like advice comes around quite a bit.
Not so sure that telling a kid they are wonderful all the time works for all kids. Some kids see right through the BS if they do something they know is not wonderful and then fell like they can’t believe anything their mom tells them.
Where I struggle is when my ds just doesn’t “see” it and because he is living with us at the moment, I see more than I would if he lived elsewhere. I didn’t do this when he was younger as many HS kids are sloppy with their hygience and dress. But now he is an adult. How do I help him see that he needs to improve in this area without over-stepping? He really doesn’t “see” how he presents himself. I also know he would really like a girlfriend but it hasn’t really happened yet. Just to be clear, he doesn’t look like the stereotype of a homeless person but not up to typical, even casual standards.
@mom2and if he is in grad school for job different than one he now has maybe suggest he go to career services (in general to have a resume check, etc) and mention he might ask about dress/appearance for chosen field. Sometimes advice better taken from others…
I will admit I have told my pups something like - “I know you weren’t asking for my opinion and I respect your rights to make your own decisions, but I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t nag you once in a while, so what do you think about …” They know my advice and sometimes brutal honesty is given from a place of love, and is delivered with a dose of humor.
And I have also told their siblings that “I spoke with your sibling and suggested to them that …” I have found that since they are close with their siblings, if I bring something up, within a few weeks they will have talked with each other about it.
If you lead with “Do you want my advice” and she says yes, that doesn’t’ seem like “unasked” advice to me-unless there is some kind of dynamic where she doesn’t feel free to respond with “no, actually, I don’t.”
I think it is good to give both good and bad feedback to your kids, because no one is going to give them more honest feedback. I think most of us know where the boundary is.
When my kids started shopping for work wardrobe I went with them and give my opinion as to what looked good on them and what was appropriate for work. I no longer do that with D1, now she is 8 years out of school. But if I thought she was getting sloppy on how she looked then I would tell her to step up her game a bit.
Today I sat next to a guy at work who smelled. I wish he had a mother to tell him to do something it.
My girls and I are very close. I am usually the one they call up for various issues, and I think it is because I would give them an honest answer. Now, if they were to ask me “Do you think I should lose some weight?” I don’t think I would come right out with answer, but maybe say something along the line of, “How do you feel about it?” If I don’t like their SO, I may wait until they come to me to talk about it first before I offer an opinion.
When my girls were dancing I used to say, “I loved your dance the best (in your group).” or “You looked beautiful.” They would say, "No, I wasn’t the best, so and so was a lot better. " I would say, “To me, you were the best.” It was all in the eye of beholder. After a while, they knew what I meant.
As my kids have become real adults, our relationships have changed. We are more friends at this point than parents, at least with the two completely independent oldest kids. My youngest isn’t at that independent adult stage yet, and we do give her unsolicited advice.
I don’t give unsolicited advice to my friends. Period. I give honest advice when I’m asked.
I don’t tell my kids about their clothes. I do on health issues. Having said that my oldest doesn’t like to shop and she will wear things that are awful. (worn) When I saw her shoes I went out immediately and bought her new shoes, her boyfriend thanked me lol.I also took her out clothes shopping for her birthday. She likes it. I would not recommend a cosmetic procedure. I don’t like her makeup, she wears dark eyeliner. I say nothing.
I would probably saying something about vaping because in my book, that’s a health issue. There is also heart disease in the family. I would probably do it low key and just email an article about the risk/dangers and leave it at that.
@oldfort - I’m sure my mother would have said she knew were the boundary was too but IMO, she very much crossed the line constantly. Not implying that is the case for you and your family.
I wouldn’t know what to do on the vaping. It just happens to be a visible health issue. There are plenty of others that are not.
Maybe I do need to issue a warning. That’s kind of what I did when I texted him. “This will probably make you mad, but I’m going to say it anyway,” is what I wrote in the text. But, maybe it needs to be a standard line. “Incoming unsolicited mom advice.” I need a something that works as a fun/funny acronym. I absolutely do NOT want to nag, but there are certain situations I (maybe I’m selfish? Narcissistic? A know-it-all? All of the above??) want to be able to say what I am thinking one time and one time only without an apology. So, maybe a warning is what I need. I just want him to hear what I have to say. He doesn’t have to take my advice. I’m not going to be mad if he doesn’t.
Back in the prehistoric days when Mr. was just beginning his professional career, his new boss pulled him aside and told him bluntly that deodorant was not just for special occasions and that Mr. needed to update his wardrobe (shirts that have been washed 100 times or more, just like OP’s son’s). Mr. cringed but complied. Ask him about some useful career advice given to him… he will likely tell you about that conversation. That reminds me… need to marikondo Mr.'s shirts.
Maybe try writing your thoughts down on a piece of paper. Every one of things you’d like to say to your young adult that you want “one chance” to get across. Write it ALL down.
Then when you’re done, read it. Read it a couple of times. Out loud if you want.
Then tear it up. Toss in the garbage.
It almost sounds like you just have to get it off your chest. If you TRULY won’t be upset if they don’t take your advice then this might work.
I was a senior member of the staff t my job…and got a new, younger…sloppy boss. Let’s just say, he looked like he slept in his clothes. His first day on the job, every single other admin was in a suit and tie. He was in shorts, T shirt and sandals. And no…I’m not making this up.
We shared a 20 minute duty every day…and I took the time to make some bold suggestions…like…if you don’t want to iron your own clothes, I can give you the name of a great and inexpensive laundry where you can get t done. OR…you need to be dressed at least one level better than everyone else for every job related event…because you are the boss…not a teenager.
I figured…if I got fired…so what?
I have to say…I never felt like he listened until a year ago when I was back there…and son of a gun…nicely pressed shirts and slacks and a tie everyday.
And yes…he was young enough to be my son. But his own mother never said a peep, and neither did his wife!
I’d discuss vaping–the latest studies which are showing that it increases risk of heart disease and chronic lung disease, including asthma and COPD (chronic obstructive pulmonary disease including emphysema and chronic bronchitis). There is also research that shows it is a gateway drug to make the user more susceptible to tobacco and other addictions, including stronger drugs. Vaping is a growing epidemic and health will definitely be worse for it.
“Can I offer you a little coaching? I saw the pictures of you with you and your coworkers and I realized that your shirtt is from senior year of HS. It looks more visibly worn than anyone elses. Consider getting new shirts as you dont’ want to stand out for being less concerned about your appearance.”
