Honestly… I cannot imagine telling my kid they needed some kind of cosmetic drug or surgical procedure. It is beyond my wildest imaginings. And if anyone (parent or otherwise) made the suggestion to me, it might be the last conversation we ever had.
A few years go, I visited my son. After a day, I mentioned his front tooth, which looked discolored. Within 2 weeks, he said he visited dentist, and the color was gone. If not me, then who?
Ok, now he has a fiancée. My mouth has been shut.
When given the opportunity, I have a tendency to ask a lot of questions, truly just in a desire to understand more about the situation they are talking about/decisions they are pondering. But sometimes, or maybe more than sometimes, it gets interpreted as questioning their choices and indirectly giving advice or an unsolicited opinion. But if it fosters conversation and additional chewing on ideas, maybe that’s not such a bad thing. They know it comes from a position of caring about what’s best for them.
my kids are too much like me. My mother used to say to me, “You only have one face, so take good care of it.” Whenever I see my mother the first thing she would say to me is, “You are looking well,” or “What’s matter, you look tired. Is everything ok?” No one else would say that to me. My 80 yr old mother also suggested for me to do eyebrow tinting few months ago. I decided to get Glossier Boy Brow instead
I can understand mentioning a cosmetic procedure in some instances. For example, one of my kids has a large port wine birth mark on a leg. The doctor at birth told us that it would stretch and fade as the kid grew and that cosmetic surgery would be an option when said kid was fully grown.
I might ask said kid if they were interested in getting this procedure to get this birth mark off of the leg. Shorts and swim suits do not cover it all, so it can be visible.
I think at this point, having lived through the middle school years and having to swim in middle school PE class, so showing it off to all the other 12-13 year olds, this kid will probably keep it.
I may still ask sometime if they want it removed, especially if I am willing and able to help pay for the procedure at that time.
D2 didn’t want to get braces when she was a teenager. When she was about to graduate from college I asked her if she wanted to get her teeth fixed before she was off my payroll. She gladly took up on my offer 2 years ago and she loves how her teeth look now. I will offer to pay for her lasik when her doctor says she is ready for it.
It really depends on the kid. Some like input and others don’t. And, of course, one has to be selective. I have one who welcomes advice, one who can’t stand it and one in the middle. So, for the most part, I keep my mouth shut but there are times when, depending on the kid and the issue I do give unsolicited advice.
In terms of the OP, I wonder if any of us would have seen the pictures and (perhaps after some prompting) and also thought the clothes looked too worn (OP already said the style and fit were fine). Or, sometimes our parent radar can be on overdrive…I’m not sure if I would have said something in this particular case or not. And all the ideas about buying a GC or new clothes, my thought is why would this equate to son actually discarding the “worn” clothing, rather than just having more in his rotation? I do agree with posters that say, if mom won’t say something, who will? But, again, I pursue that with great limits.
One of my D’s used to style her hair. Then, before her study abroad, she had a brazillian which kept it straight for months. She liked it and did it several more times. She lives far away now but the last few times I’ve seen her, she’s left her wavy, whispy hair to air dry and (imo) it looks messy and unkempt. I’ve been biting my tongue bc that is something about which I do not think she’d respond to well. She just told me she has an appointment for a hair straightening and I’m so glad she came to that decision on her own. It was driving me nuts, lol!
@Hoggirl , thanks for sharing the additional info on his age, field, etc.
You mention you’re on different coasts. Perhaps the west coast vibe in his field is more casual than east coast?
Could you be thinking about what an older person (even 30’s) in his field might wear - as opposed to a 21 year old (who should still look clean and kept)? Or what an person in his field might have worn years ago from what you remember in that workforce?
I would say congrats on raising a fine son who seems to have landed a nice job right out of college. He’s probably a smart kid - he’ll figure out if he is not up to snuff with his clothes or not. 
@abasket - thank you. I always appreciate your posts.
In some families and especially in some areas, a close person can certainly suggest a procedure.
If you feel hes well dressed but just needs an update, that’s not criticism.
@ucbalumnus - I don’t know the answer to your bolded question. I can recall ds having a white dress shirt from a younger age that was getting “grubby” around the neck that he saw no problem with. Things that were “pilled” or worn over time that he continued to wear. I mean, as his mom, I do have some inside perspective on what he has done - at least in the past.
So, maybe things don’t seem as worn to others or others don’t discern as I do. That is a valid point. And, maybe I notice such things more than others. Idk???
Are his current clothes getting grubby or pilled or whatever, based on what you can see now?
I would NEVER give advice about financial issues to our ds. That’s a bigger and thus a more sensitive thing to me than suggesting he replace some clothing. Giving financial advice seems much more invasive and indicative of less trust to me.
We spent all of ds’s lifetime setting a (hopefully) good example on how to manage money. His choice of clothing has rarely been an issue in his life until now. I didn’t lay a ton of ground work in that area. We laid significant groundwork in finances.
@ucbalumnus - not sure. I’m only going by pictures I a seeing. His jeans are definitely getting faded on the knees. Wore those to a training session. Can’t tell about dress shirts in FB photos. I only know that the shirt I saw in one is five years old.
I think it’s okay to have a conversation about clothing, but before offering advice, get input from your son. It could be that he doesn’t care about his clothes and is blissfully ignorant of how those around him are dressed. In that case, I might want to ask him about how/if appearances matter in his workplace – to his boss, coworkers and clients. And I might volunteer how in some industries I’ve worked in, it matters more than it probably should.
If he is aware and happy with how he’s dressed, I would let it go. And if you really want him to wear something new, go out with him and buy it. What the young men in my office wear and what DS will wear (or what I would choose ) might differ so your taste, however impeccable as it may be, should probably not be the guide.
Have to admit I struggle with this. One of mine is living here while getting a graduate degree and is just totally clueless about his appearance. He hates getting his hair cut so I feel like if I don’t bug him (after a couple of months!) he wouldn’t do it. Wrinkled shirts don’t bother him or ill fitting clothes. He appreciates it when I buy him something, but will still leave his clothes in the dryer until they are a wrinkled mess. Shaves only occasionally.
That being said, he is working and going to school and managing his life. Appearance doesn’t matter to him, but the reality is that it does matter to others. At times he welcomes input, but often gets frustrated. I hold my tongue a LOT but find it really frustrating when he goes to work with wrinkled clothes needing a haircut and sometimes say something. He has some anxiety issues but this does not appear to be a trigger.
Any advice appreciated!!
I have learned on other topics, to ask if I can make a suggestion or give some advice. My other kid has appreciated that.
@mom2and - I think the, “may I made a suggestion?” advice is good. I need to adopt that.
There are times where one can be right or one can be in relationship. They aren’t necessarily or alwasy polar opposites, but when they are, it can be tricky to find the proper balance along the spectrum between them.
Sometimes I do give unsolicited advice. If it is in an area I think he is prickly about or an area that seems kind of absurd, I will preface it with “I am your mother so I have to say this…” An example might be if I ask him to please text me when he arrives somewhere. He is an adult; he doesn’t have to tell me. But I’ll say I worry and please let me know.
We did buy him new clothes not long ago because the ones he was wearing were old and didn’t fit well anymore. He is slow to do it for himself. I just said hey, you haven’t had any new clothes in along time, let’s go shopping. He was happy to let me pay and make suggestions as long as it didn’t take too long. And then to my amazement, he went out on his own and bought a few more things.
Some areas are touchier than others. I try to find something good in any girl he brings home. For job related stuff, I mostly listen and ask questions. I don’t mention his hair or beard. Those items are off limits!
Giving unsolicited advice may be my worst habit.
We gave strong estate planning advice in the form of asking for guidance. DS2 is married, but DS1 is not. We’ve strongly encouraged him to have documents in place for healthcare decisions, inheritance, things like that. In the meantime, he wants his SO involved in such decisions and inheriting everything. They’ve been together long enough that we’re sure she has legal standing, but he has our word that we’ll follow through with his wishes if that isn’t the case. So in the spirit of giving advice on our dime we gave both couples estate planning for Christmas. We did ask them first, and that came about in the context of their interest and receptiveness.
Overall we try to follow their cues for how involved they want us to be.