It’s an online program. I have a full time job right now.
Talking for hours on the phone soon after meeting someone sounds suffocating. Everyone is boring after a while. You need to find the spot where you are in danger of losing her interest and give her time to recharge.
To get into a committed relationship, you have to pass through all three phases. Once you have established mutual attraction, in Phase 1 you develop interest. In Phase 2 you develop connection. Phase 3 is relationship building.
Try to keep anything in Phase 1 to less than an hour. Talk about travel and hobbies. At all costs avoid Phase 3 topics until you both have gotten there. One interesting blogger/journalist/author I sometimes recommend is Eric Barker. He reviews and writes about the science behind successful relationships.
Don’t be afraid of getting ghosted and don’t take it too personally. It’s just how people break up these days if you are still in Phase 1 or Phase 2.
I am just going to go from a practical point of view. When people are out of college and dating, it is not just about how someone looks (is he/she cute or not), but it’s more about if someone is a marriage material (long term partner). He/she may look at your long term career aspiration, whether you want kids or not, where you want to live, your family situation, religion, etc, and if you do not tick of some of those very important boxes then they are not going to waste their time.
Both of my kids are committed, but they are the ones who said to me that why waste time on someone if there is no long term prospect.
It is like looking for a job. There needs to be a right fit. You need to apply to many in order to find that right one.
“Why would somebody talk for hours on the phone and spend so much time with that person and then ghost them. It just doesn’t make sense.”
There are all kinds of sensible reasons for this, mostly not involving you. A more interesting prospect coming along is probably the most common. It’s also possible that during the conversation or later online research, they heard something about you that they don’t like. There’s nothing you can do about this. You just have to decide how much time and energy to put into the project, and when. If you want to find a relationship, you have to approach it like a hobby or even a part-time job.
That said, I wouldn’t talk for hours before meeting someone. Chat and set up a meeting. If they don’t want to meet, then you won’t waste as much time.
You say you aren’t needy, but that may not be how you are perceived by others. Make absolutely SURE you are not coming on too strong or appearing to get serious too quickly.
“That said, I wouldn’t talk for hours before meeting someone. Chat and set up a meeting. If they don’t want to meet, then you won’t waste as much time.”
Agreed. Less talk, more action. All this talking should be taking place in person, on a date or doing something. Not via text or phone, IMO.
I would suggest getting involved in something like…maybe a community theater or chorus or instrumental ensemble if you play an instrument. You will likely find very nice like minded people in these groups.
Or…what about sports? That’s another way to meet people.
Get a dog! We know a number of young couples who met at the dog park!
Good grooming is a must. (do I sound like I’m 100?)
“do I sound like I’m 100?”
Kind of, actually. I think the idea of what is “good grooming” for younger people doesn’t always mesh with those of us in our 50s, 60s+ unless you define it as simply as not stinking.
I’ve known plenty of young people who I wouldn’t consider “well groomed” that have had no problems finding partners.
I hear about ghosting a lot from young folks I know. The littlest things can turn someone off. If they are an avid skier, and you are not, that’s a no go. Same with those loving dogs vs. cats. Superficial, I know.
Do you have a trusted friend of the opposite sex? You might reach out and ask for an honest opinion. There might be something you could do to make yourself more appealing that you haven’t thought about. (Or, better yet, your friend might know someone to introduce you to.) Good luck!
I am not talking about hours at one time. I am talking about hours over a span of a few days/week. The girls have always initiated with giving me their phone number when I tried online dating.
That does make sense. I just don’t understand why a girl would say she’s interested in me and to call her the next day and then ghost me. That part doesn’t make sense to me.
I have asked a few of my female friends and even showed my messages and they say I’m doing nothing wrong and it’s just a matter of bad luck.
I just want to say hang in there 
. My 31 yo son just broke with a relationship he thought was leading to marriage, it devastated him - had me in tears and worried sick for his well being. He’s going to be okay, I knew that, but still. And my youngest is 24 and I just want him to find someone he likes and is a good companion. My husband and I both agreed we probably would never find each other today…it was hard enough going to bars and trying to meet at school or work but today, geeeez, this online, no face to face, no verbal only texting communication is crazy. There are a lot of folks out there like you. Glad you are trying though. Sincerely - best wishes for your success!
I don’t think ghosting is new or unusual (though unpleasant). It’s just a new name for a more modern twist of waiting for the phone to ring for that call that doesn’t come despite the person saying “I’ll call you in a few days”. This type of thing has always happened. Maybe expectations were different when everyone wasn’t constantly connected via devices.
It’s just an indication that “she’s not that into you”. She might have liked you a little but not enough. It wasn’t meant to be. Some people get lucky and find that chemistry right away. Some have to work a little harder. Don’t give up. I’d continue online dating but I’d also join in activities and groups to pursue your hobbies and interests. You’re more likely to meet people you will click with that way. And even if you don’t wind up meeting a partner, your time will be well spent pursuing an interest and you’re likely to meet new friends.
“this online, no face to face, no verbal only texting communication is crazy”
I think it is worthwhile trying the face to face and verbal way. It’s always worked well for my own two young adults who easily meet others the “old fashioned way”.
I sense you may have overdone it, and that the date felt overwhelmed. People have a hard time saying no, or just telling someone that they need a little more space. It’s easier just to ghost them. I really think the easiest way to get to know someone is to see them in a regular activity, and even if you don’t become romantic you might make a friend. Cooking and art classes are great because there’s usually plenty of room for chitter-chatter.
I do know a number of people who have found their significant others via dating apps, so I don’t think you need to give up yet.
Isn’t there an app called Meetup or something like that where you can do activities with like minded people? It’s not a dating app, but I’ve heard that’s a good way to meet people in person. And you’d be doing something you like, not wasting time.
I recommend looking for someone to date who is highly involved in things you have a strong interest in. Having something in common helps keep the connection. Dating someone in your line of work is even better. I have never gone on more than one date with someone who wasn’t a pilot. Just not interested, never found a connection with someone who didn’t fly.
And I agree with Publisher about life being better when you exercise. Any exercise passions that you have? Can you join a biking, hiking or climbing group?
LOL busdriver, I can’t imagine anything worse than being married to another architect! I did have a tendency to date scientists because their work interested me.