Going nowhere fast

College Life
1

It is too difficult to tell someone this personally, but I have a lot on my chest and I need help.

I’m in Berlin right now, at a good university. I started in the US and transferred here. This is to be honest my dream; I was intensely set on studying and living in Europe since I was a teenager. Now I am 22. I taught myself German and passed the C2 exam, it’s something I am proud of.

But I have been miserable and stuck for over a year since starting here. I study computer science and have a part-time job in web development. The first two semesters here I grappled with a sudden, overwhelming aversion to study, or focus. I gradually stopped going to lectures altogether, miraculously scraped through homework (but when I found this homework on my computer later I couldn’t even remember it, much less understand it), wrote only one exam per semester, avoided classmates. The first semester I resorted to cutting my left arm under my desk instead of focusing. I’ve stopped doing that, it doesn’t change anything.

Today I tried to get out of the apartment. I mean I set my alarm and got out of bed. But the empty, dismayed feeling inside was too strong; there wasn’t any hope, I made an excuse not to go to work.

I feel miserable at work - I hate being trapped at the computer. Almost every day I am dealing with heavy emotions inside of me, and I have to get up and go stand in the bathroom for a while to let them out.

I can’t really say why this came about. I am good at maths and programming, but the idea of a career in computer science at the end of this struggle is actually depressing in itself. The only bright lining is that others will be satisfied with me, but that contributes to this anxious, guilty feeling - I’m not good enough, others will find out soon how pathetically I’ve been managing university, everyone my age is already graduating around me, friends and family will be asking soon, how much longer, Samantha? And I’ll have to come up with an answer.

I realized yesterday while sorting out some money stuff, that actually I really like equations and maths and logic. But like, to use them as a tool, not for my whole livelihood and life’s purpose. Maybe if I used them as a tool for something else I would feel on track again.

I love learning languages, I’ve started teaching myself Hungarian as well and I feel I’m learning even faster than German. Maybe I could move towards computational linguistics?

Some sort of hope. I guess I haven’t conveyed it here but I cry pretty much every day and sometimes feel insaneish. I’ve dealt with this since I was 18 so it isn’t shocking, but it’s wearying.

Ah and I’ve been to a psychologist here. Ended up more confused.

Thank you for listening and for any words. :slight_smile:

2

I found this which I wrote over two years ago. It seems like I’ve gotten more lost since then.

http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/college-life/1650213-impotent-guilty-and-confused.html#latest

3

OK, you’re on a path you hate, and it sounds like some good old fashioned depression / anxiety could be coming into play too.

I don’t know exactly what computational linguistics is, but the title certainly sounds like an avenue you should explore.

If the first psychologist didn’t help, find another.

And, most of all, know that there’s no reason to stick to a path that isn’t working for you. You can’t live your life with the sole intent of pleasing others. You’ve got to figure out how to please yourself. Life’s too short to ignore the things you want.

As to “not good enough”— sooooo off base!!! You’re living abroad, you’ve taught yourself one language and are teaching yourself another-- I’m in awe of what you’ve accomplished already. You’re capable of so very much!! You’ll graduate when you graduate-- that timeline that was so important in high school disappears once you become an adult.

But most of all, find a good therapist. You deserve to wake up each morning anxious to start a new day, not anxious to avoid it. You deserve that, Samantha. Now go get it.

4

Hi. I don’t know if you know the power of your words. It feels like something’s been released in my chest that was shut up in there the whole day. Thank you for writing to me. It means more than you know.

5

You know, I bet if you read your post to your mom or dad, they would say the same thing.

I’m glad I could help. Now get to work on finding a good therapist. I e had students who cut themselves, and I’ve seen the help that working with a good therapist can do.

Let me know how it goes, ok? I’ll be waiting to hear.

6

Hi swebber, I read both this post and the post you linked. It really sounds like you suffer from anxiety. The example that you gave about doing work and not remembering any of it? Classic symptom. It sounds like you visited just one therapist a couple of times, but they weren’t very helpful to you. If you do have anxiety, this is a medical illness, and oftentimes requires a longer term response and sometimes medication to restore your system to good health …think of it as allergies that need to be managed rather than a cold that is a one and done. Please don’t let that experience with the one therapist keep you from getting help so you can get strong, enjoy life, and eventually help others. Good luck!

7

It sound like you suffer from anxiety-driven depression. I would see a psychiatrist and get on meds. You will be amazed how fast your perspective on life changes once anxiety is under control. Good luck.