<p>I’m so glad you’ve decided to go. I’m sure your friend will be, too.</p>
<p>Your H doesn’t need to go to the service - attending the viewing will be fine. </p>
<p>You don’t need to go early for the morning viewing.</p>
<p>I am glad you decided to go. I recall the funeral of one friend’s dad … my friend told me I didn’t need to stay for the lunch. I told her I wanted to. At the end, she told me how glad she was that I was there.</p>
<p>When I was 16 or 17 one of our family friends – another teen – was killed in a car accident. When I dragged my feet about going to the visitation, because nobody likes to go to these things, my mom said very sternly “How do you think her parents feel about having to stand there instead of feeding her dinner? Who are you to put yourself before them?” and I think of that every time I am faced with the OP’s question.</p>
<p>You go. You always go. Because it’s all we can do, so we do it. Having been on both sides of that situation, I can tell you that people think waaay too much about funeral/viewing/meals now/meals later…it doesn’t matter. Do as much as you can. Don’t say “if you need anything call me”. Do something. DO something, even when all you can do is be present in the moments of grief.</p>
<p>An idea of something to offer in the weeks to come, I read on a thread here recently that someone had helped a friend write thank you notes for flowers, food, help, donations, etc., after the loss of a loved one. It was greatly appreciated.</p>
<p>I am glad you have decided to go. Along the lines of what green button said, one of my mantras is this: you do not often get a second chance to do the right thing. Going to the services and luncheon is the right thing to do.</p>
<p>And if you knew your friend’s mother, write your friend a note sharing memories of her mother. That is something that a friend can do at a time like this that is always appreciated.</p>
<p>greenbutton said it perfectly.</p>
<p>I would add that it sounds like you’re thinking of this as a social or religious occasion. It’s really neither. Families sit with their dead loved ones to say goodbye, and visitations are just people who go to be with the family and show them support. The family is not the “host”. It’s not a religious statement either, any more than covering your arms in St. Peter’s Cathedral is pretending to be Catholic.</p>
<p>Going to a funeral or a viewing is a way to say to your friend “Your feelings are important to me”, and it’s also a way to show that the deceased person’s life was worth honoring. That’s all. Just being there is all that is required.</p>
<p>I’m hear chiming in to say Greenbutton’s got it right. Having lost both my parents at a pretty young age, I was touched and supported by those who showed up at their funerals. </p>
<p>Most who came didn’t do a thing, as I recall, other than show up-- but just seeing them & knowing they came to be there with me at that hard time meant the world to me. I also was a little hurt that some close friends/coworkers did not come, and said later they ‘didn’t know your mom, so felt weird going’. I never held it against them but it did hurt a little. </p>
<p>Since then, I always go. If I can’t go, I always write/visit/call. It really helps.</p>
<p>Use the time at the ceremony to just be still. Most services are little about the person and more about the general death thing. During the mass and communion, you can just sit and be still. It’s fine. You will not be the only non catholic. Just stand when others do. The lunch isn’t about hosting a party, it’s about feeding the family and remember the loved one in a less formal way. Often people haven’t seen each other for years, friends of the deceased get to meet the family they heard so much about, your friend sees that she has support and that life moves one.</p>
<p>I went to a luncheon and made it my job to let people know the buffet was ready, gently nudging people to get eating so the program could move along.</p>
<p>I had decided to go. I texted her to ask if there was anything she needed for me to do or help with, maybe the food. She wrote back that the service was advertised in the paper and can i watch her house. Not sure if this was due to the text I sent her hubby or not. I wrote back that I had planned to come to the service and that I will be wherever she needs me, just tell me when and where.</p>
<p>They were robbed years ago by a child of a neighbor. They have since gone on vacations and left the house, but somehow that betrayal has been hard for her to shake. It may be a real worry for her now because I’m sure she’s heard of it happening as well. The bad guys read the paper and know that nobody will be home.</p>
<p>Waiting to hear from her.</p>
<p>Yes, I’d say do what she asks for help. One thing she won’t have to worry about. Maybe your husband would hang out there with you and then your friend wouldn’t have to worry about you either.</p>
<p>I watched the house for a neighbor who was not a close friend during the funeral for his toddler. It was, I think, a kindness. While I was there flowers arrived, a ham arrived, and I brewed coffee, set out the napkins and rolls, and made sure all the dishes were clean in the kitchen. It was a terribly sad day, but it felt good to help.</p>
<p>One thing to remember - it’s all very well to take food and offer help in the next couple of weeks. What will be even more appreciated is invitations to dinner/home-cooked freezable food in weeks and months to come. Right now, everyone is taking muffins/casseroles, but it will be a lovely offer later.</p>
<p>I lost my mom at the start of this year and that has been really comforting.</p>
<p>Also, maybe offer to leave the service a little early, or at least rush off straight away, and go to your friend’s house to set up if people are coming back, or at least make coffee and some snacks for your friend’s family.</p>
<p>Go to the service, unless asked to watch the house. And send flowers/plant/etc.</p>
<p>I was moved to tears by the generousity of our family and friends when we lost my Mom after a 16 year illness. I am grateful to the core of my being to those who sent a card, a flower, that shamrock plant. The sight of those gifts brought me to tears then, and moves me to tears now, 12 years and one month later. </p>
<p>A visit later or an invitation to dinner is a great kindness in the time to come. A book of stamps or a run to the post office is huge. My darling cousin brought food. A family friend stayed at the house and set up food during the service. I am so grateful. </p>
<p>And I put on a dark dress and go, hoping to comfort another family. Doesn’t matter what type of service. I can sit quietly if I am unfamilar with the ritual involved. I am not there for myself. </p>
<p>I really don’t mean to lecture, and I hope this doesn’t read that way. I was so touched by the support, and so overwhelmed by love. It truly made a difference in my life.</p>
<p>When I lost my mom last year, I was the one hosting the dinner for family and a few close friends between viewings, but I hardly ever entertain, so I was at a loss. My best friend did one of the most selfless things which was to skip the viewing and just help me by setting up the catering, warming it in the oven if needed, setting out napkins and forks and plates, making a pot of coffee…just doing what you would do if 20-40 people were coming over. The best thing she did was help me think and do what I would be able to do if I was in my right mind. I really think that was the most wonderful thing anyone did for me in those weeks. That and some people who brought over food - which I never understood, but when you have a great loss like that, you just can’t think straight. I couldn’t go to a supermarket and actually remember why I was there. Simple tasks that any mom can handle were just impossible. And I still had a family to feed so those meals were what got me through. </p>
<p>And call her up and just listen. And take her for coffee and just listen. Those are the best gifts you can give.</p>
<p>Showing up matters. Just show up. It meant so much to me when people came to my parents’ funerals. I remember nothing about the services for my parents or for my son, but I remember the people who showed up, even if they said nothing (or just said “I’m sorry”). Yes, it’s okay to say nothing. Just being there matters.</p>
<p>House sitting is a perfect option.</p>
<p>She called today and asked which service I was going to. I told her that I had decided to go to both unless she wants me to watch the house. She seemed to like that and told me she does have a neighbor, who I think is some kind of cop-not sure if local or exactly what he is, and he said he will watch the house. I told her that even though, as she knows, I am not comfortable with the whole church service thing, that I had decided to go because this is not about me, it’s about what she needs. Since he will watch the house (both tonight and tomorrow) that I will come to both. She seemed to like to hear that. I am glad she called so I could tell her that I will do what she needs and give her the option. So, I will be going to both.</p>
<p>Thank you to everyone for telling their stories. I just needed to know whether it would matter to HER if i went to the service and the majority thinks it does. I’m just glad it’s not today…rainy and dreary weather would make it more gloomy and sad.</p>
<p>It’s been 4+ years since I lost my mom. Since I live far away, I had no friends who were able to be at her viewing or service, though many of her friends and friends/neighbors of my brothers were there. Even though I did not know most of the people, I have always felt their presence lifted the very heavy burden of grief from my sholders during those days. </p>
<p>I felt like I was being pushed down by a heavy bubble of grief, and all those who came were lifting it off me, if only for those few hours. </p>
<p>So, now I do not hesitate to attend the services of my friends and neighbors. I want to lift their burden, even if just a little.</p>
<p>She will always rememebr you being there for her. You are doing the right thing.</p>