<p>My very good friend’s mom just died from breast cancer. She was first dx 2 years ago and it was aggressive form (unusual for 70 yr+). I think they thought they got it all as PET scan in August was good. By Feb things started turning and it was back and in her abdomen. Quite a shock for them. My friend was very close to her mom and has been living there for the past almost 2 months. She died last night.</p>
<p>I intend to go to the viewing tomorrow night. Services are Thurs w/burial and luncheon following. I feel weird going to the church as it is Catholic and I am non-religious. My grandmother had the Catholic burial mass so I know what it is like. I know it is OK for non Catholics to attend, but I don’t want to. I did mention this, though I don’t know if she processed it due to being overwhelmed w/ everything, but she knows me. Also, the luncheon will be awkward as I really only know her immediate family and have met her sister a few times and had only met her mom a few times. If I go to the funeral I still don’t know if I would go to the luncheon.</p>
<p>I just wondered if it is OK to not go to the Thur service and luncheon. Will she be offended? I would surely go if she needed me, but she has her family, her sister’s family, aunts, uncles, cousins and neighbors of her mom. </p>
<p>Is it true that empty homes on funeral days are targets of theft? I texted her husband earlier this week and offered to watch the house, but he didn’t respond. Don’t know for sure if I had the right number. Is it necessary and should I ask her if she would like me to? I know she trusts me.</p>
<p>I will make a contribution to the cancer society, or wherever they designate. I thought of bringing a basket of mini muffins to the visitation/viewing tomorrow night.</p>
<p>Any thoughts about me not attending the actual funeral? I don’t want to look bad, but more so I don’t want her to think I don’t care, and I do want to support her.</p>
<p>Please excuse my ignorance. I am very lucky to have gotten this far in life and not had to experience deal with this too often.</p>
<p>IMO, you should go to the funeral and the luncheon. Put aside your own beliefs about the Catholic mass. You’re not going for yourself; you’re going for your friend. She will want you and need you, even though she can’t articulate that very well right now. You will wind up performing some sort of service or favor for her – perhaps interceding between different factions of the family? Keeping Great-Aunt Betty from crying into her souffle?? Go for your friend. It matters a lot to her.</p>
<p>Personally, I think it’s much kinder to be there for someone when the dust has settled and they have to figure out how to live their new live without their loved one. If she had no family support, I would say you should go. I think you should go to the viewing, sign the guest book, and then a few days or a week down the road, bring her favorite takeout food or a casserole or something and have dinner with her.</p>
<p>Go to the funeral, and ideally the luncheon. This isn’t about your own discomfort with funerals, organized religion, “looking bad,” or feeling awkward when you don’t know people in a group. It’s about your friend who needs the support of people who care about her. Understand that the family may be too overwhelmed to respond to your texts or process your statements about why you can’t/don’t want to come. And do remember to be there for your friend in the months to come.</p>
<p>I have been in this situtation before, and even though I hate going to funerals, too - I think you should go. Funerals are really for the living, the survivors. Your physical presence shows you care. (Although food is really nice, too! Good idea about the muffins…) It’s not really about her needing you there - I think it’s just more symbolic of support.</p>
<p>I’m sure others will disagree, but I think you should put aside your own discomfort and go.</p>
<p>I agree with the above poster. When it comes to weddings and funerals, you can’t control the service, but you can control your actions by attending to support a friend that is going through what everyone can agree is a tough time. As far as the muffins, I would skip this and bring her a basket of fruit or muffins or whatever in a week or two. When people die, families are flooded with food, cards, flowers and phone calls and two weeks later, everyone is going on with their lives and you find yourself stuck in the grief, frustrated that no one cares anymore.</p>
<p>Wow – I’ve never heard that before, but it makes a lot of sense. Do you live in the same town as your friend? If so, could you alert the local police so maybe they send a cruiser to drive by? </p>
<p>re: not being religious – I feel the same. I’ve been to 2 “viewings” and I really start to feel faint when I see the body in an open casket. Last one I was at, I saw people kneeling and praying in front of the casket; that didn’t feel right, so I paused for a moment, then kept moving. Believe me – your friend will be so glad to see you there.</p>
<p>The fact that you are not religious should be no bar to attending a funeral. Your presence does not constitute any kind of statement of support for the religion, but simply support for your friend. Sit in the back, so you don’t have to worry about anybody noticing that you may not follow the liturgy. But stand up when others stand up. You don’t need to participate in anything like taking Mass (indeed, you can’t do this if you’re not Catholic).</p>
<p>It means a lot to people when others go to those things, I have found. I agree with skipping the muffins or whatever, and send them a week or so later. That’s when you want to call and maybe take her out shopping, to lunch, a spa day, a hair cut or just for drinks/coffee and talk. Follow it up with the muffins and maybe flowers a week after that. I agree fully with Collegeshopping.</p>
<p>zoosermom,
Food is one of her favorite things! I have often brought her chocolate when she’s had rough times. Last week we had lunch when she came home to pick out funeral clothes and photos…I gave her half a chocolate cake! My hubby had brought it for me and I told her that she needed it more than I did so we stopped and picked it up for her on the way to her house. She can always count on me for chocolate.</p>
<p>I will think about this some more…I know she knows I don’t really “beleive” in the mass etc, so she would understand that I wouldn’t be there from the religious angle. I don’t want her to see me at the luncheon and feel like she has to entertain me because I don’t know anybody. As a host, she’ll know I don’t know anyone and I’d like her to spend time with the people who really knew her mom if that makes sense. Hey, I always like free lunch and I’ll go if the concensus is that she would feel slighted or something. Also, do they charge by how many people show up to these lunches? How does that work when it’s not planned in advance and there is no RSVP list?</p>
<p>They did “plan” it in the sense it was decided where would be, but I don’t know the rest of it. </p>
<p>By the way, I would probably lean on her more than she has on me if it was reversed. I have only one brother local and his kids are younger. we don’t have lots of aunts and uncles etc. My parents moved about 10 years ago and we don’t know their neighbors. My friends parents still live in the house she grew up in. Her sister has 3 young adult daughters and they are all very close.</p>
<p>Maybe the culture is different in your circle, but in my world the funeral isn’t for you and it isn’t for the deceased… it’s for the survivors who need support and closure. I think you should go to both. I am not Catholic, have extremely negative feelings about catholicism after having it forced on me for the first 18 years of my life, and have sat through many catholic funerals… it’s not the most pleasant of experiences, but it’s not supposed to be-- it’s a funeral, and it isn’t about you. It will mean a lot to your friend if you go, and even if she doesn’t make a big deal about you going… she may make a big deal, even privately, if you don’t. I don’t think avoiding the funeral or luncheon is worth potentially making your friend question your priorities in the friendship.</p>
<p>So far, it looks like I am going. My husband will come to the viewing on Wed night. Is it ok for him not to go to the services since he’d have to take a day off?</p>
<p>I think there is a viewing in the morning prior to the service. If I go Wed night then I just go to the church for the funeral? </p>
<p>By the way, the half a cake was not that I gave her half, it was the leftover part I hadn’t eaten yet, but she wanted it!</p>
<p>I agree that you should go. It meant a lot to me to see friends and acquaintances when my grandparents passed away, and their church made the Catholic church look Unitarian!</p>
<p>I will go then…When I see her tomorrow and she says “oh you don’t have to come”…I am to ignore her and go anyway right?</p>
<p>I do want to do what will make her happy, I just didn’t want to if I didn’t think she would care. Since most think she will care, then I will go.</p>
<p>Your friend may feel in a bit of a daze during the funeral and lunch. Other family members may also feel stunned. A good friend might feel even more supportive than family members. She may also want to process these experiences by talking with you about them. If so, it would help if you had been there.</p>
<p>There are so many things to do after someone dies and anything her family doesn’t help with, I’m sure she’d appreciate your support with. Even things like canceling magazine subscriptions can feel painful to deal with alone.</p>
<p>Sometimes being there for people means being uncomfortable. I’m a liberal atheist who has attended more Catholic and Baptist funerals than I care to count. It’s very uncomfortable for me but it’s not about me. Same with attending events where I don’t know anyone. It’s always appropriate to say to people, “I’m so sorry for your loss.” Offer to get older folks drinks or food. Help out in the kitchen. In otherwords, a good way to set yourself at ease is to make yourself useful.</p>
<p>Hope that helps. You’re a good friend to be giving these topics such careful thought.</p>