<p>I’m hoping to get into NYU ED finance major. I usually have trouble with the intro and conclusions of my essays and I’m hoping some of you guys could help me edit my essay. This is the intro:
Howard Schultz is standing up at a podium and casts a solemn look upon the confused shareholders and the press. He has called an emergency shareholder meeting. He opens his mouth and utters one of the most dread filled phrases known to man, I regret to inform you that I am retiring from my posts of CEO and Chairman of the Board. I rise to my feet and shout with indignation, What are you talking about? Starbucks needs you right now! Other shareholders join me in a chorus of anger, sadness, and shock. I then wake up in my bed with sweat on my brow, it was just a dream. I calm myself by remembering that I only own eighteen shares of Starbucks. The hope of rising stock prices lulls me back to sleep.</p>
<p>It’s catchy. And I want to read more. So, I’d say that’s definitely a success! =] </p>
<p>I’m curious to see what comes next now…</p>
<p>I really don’t like your tense usage. If you’re going to go first person, present, make it feel like you’re talking in first person present tense.</p>
<p>Don’t get me wrong – it’s not bad writing. I just don’t particularly care for it. No rhythm, no emotion, no description, just scenery.</p>
<p>Thanks for the feedback guys! I really appreciate it since my English teacher isn’t being too helpful.</p>