<p>My D has been dating a young man now for 6 months and she connected with him through Match.com. This, even though she and he attend the same graduate school (he in medicine, she in neuroscience) and had, looking back, actually attended the same gatherings and had mutual friends.</p>
<p>As soon as our DD told us about him and told us his name, DH googled him. It made DD laugh since that is usually MY mode of operation! </p>
<p>Fast forward: we all have met him and spent time with him and think the world of him. All is well.</p>
<p>soccerguy - actually the point was kind of the opposite of what you say. In her HS the handful of NMF were pretty obnoxious about how superior they thought they were to everybody else and then she finds all these wonderful down-to-earth kids at college many whom are NMF and it demonstrated that not all smart kids are like that.</p>
<p>I am very good at sleuthing. My kids have figured out it is better to do full disclosure. They also tell their SO not to be fooled by my mindless chit chats.</p>
<p>Google news archives (set the date to archives) is a pretty good way to get more information on someone. I say that not having checked out my kids GF but rather potential employees who are the face of my business…</p>
<p>And it is what it is. Invasive would be if I, as someone else posted, started tracking their comings and goings, went up there physically to spy on him, paid to do a background search…but googling someone or looking through their facebook is hardly invasive.</p>
<p>Okay, this thread is giving me some ideas. Facebook, Linkedin, Google. I would snoop like crazy if only I had some names!! My kids are so private, they give me nothing, nothing. It drives me crazy! They would be better off if they just gave me some information instead of hiding everything, then I wouldn’t wonder.</p>
<p>romanigypsyeyes - ok. Woulda been okay if it was. I wasn’t offended. I enjoy our frequent and mild differences of opinion, and I like to see what you think about things. :)</p>
<p>TheGFG - Only once in the BF department. My D was 19, the guy was 34. I was concerned so I checked him out. Just seemed…weird. I didn’t find anything “bad” on him, just discovered his age, snooped around, and something just didn’t “feel” right. I let it be, and just tucked the information away. They broke up shortly after and I was relieved. I asked her after, “How old was that guy anyway?” - She just said he was considerably older than her. I said, he kinda seemed creepy to me, and she said, “Yea, a little. Me too.”</p>
<p>I have asked my HS daughter to stay away from certain guys I see on her FB page (because of extra crude or offensive posts). She defriends them if I draw it to her attention. Usually they’re not really FRIENDS anyway. Just FB acquaintences.</p>
<p>Back to LinkedIn for a moment. How much can people see? I have two or three people who have endorsed me, but they are people who have given me their email address via advertising and who would have my email address from answering their request. But they NEVER spoke to me, never responded to me, I have to assume they just added everyone in their email address book to their LinkedIn. </p>
<p>Then I have a former colleague, with whom I had a less than ideal parting a decade ago, who asked to connect, do I assume he wants bygones to be bygones or do I assume it is just a random email address generator of connections?</p>
<p>This concept really bothers me. I’m facebook friends with my kids, so I see whatever crops up on their walls. My college age kids’ girlfriends friended me once their relationships had developed to a certain point. I’m also friends with their ex girlfriends, and with several moms of ex girlfriends, now that I think of it.</p>
<p>So I see a lot, but it is passive viewing. I see what they choose to let me see. And I keep my mouth shut about what I see.</p>
<p>But I can’t imagine actively searchng the internet for information on a friend or date of my adult child. </p>
<p>somemom,the principle of LinkedIn is that you only accept connections with people you know professionally (or personally). To accept invitations by people you haven’t met actually messes up the system, which is supposed to be a way of vetting professional connections. It can be a very useful hiring tool in certain professions, but again, entirely useless if you don’t know your connections and can’t vouch for them.</p>
<p>Eastcoastcrazy, I can tell you my kids don’t see it as distrust of them, but just being protective…which is nothing new. They expect it and they laugh about it, and it’s NO secret that I’m going to do it. They know. I don’t do it as much (haven’t in 2 years) with my 23 year old anymore…not at all with my 19 year old anymore, because she’s been dating the same guy for a year now. And my 18 year old is not dating until college…so no need there. But yea, I’ll snoop and get the lowdown on any new love interest, especially with the younger two who have not had boyfriends in high school.</p>
<p>My kids didn’t give me any significant disciplinary trouble, so perhaps I’m not understanding how this would work out in practice. But I would think that there are 3 possibilities here. 1. Your child has willingly internalized your values and thus, to the best of his ability, selects dates who would be acceptable to you. No problem then and no need to snoop. 2. Your child does not share your values and so sometimes, or always, chooses SO’s you don’t approve of. Problem. But how do you prevent this from happening once the child is away at college? Do you bring him home and/or cease to pay for his education if you discover through FB that the date is inappropriate? How inappropriate would the SO have to be for you to take disciplinary action? Would s/he have to be violent or a criminal for you to intervene? How would you handle that scenario in practice? Would you call the RA or dean and say “Help! I just found out my S is dating a stripper!” Or “Help! My D is dating a boy with facial tattoos!” Or perhaps you could contact the local police and say, “Help! I saw on FB that my D is dating a boy who drinks underage and does drugs!” Would that solve your problem? I doubt it. So what’s the point of snooping? 3. Your child is compliant and accepts your values, but lacks good judgment. In time, S or D will realize the SO is undesirable and end the relationship on his or her own. No interference necessary, and S or D hopefully grows in discernment and makes a better choice next time. If that is not good enough for you, then you could intervene and point out your concerns. With luck, your S or D will break up with the undesirable immediately. But how likely is that? In the worst case scenario, it takes a while but then s/he will also “see” it, and the problem is eventually solved. Did you really need to interfere then? I don’t think so, unless safety was an issue. And if it was, see #2 for the logistical problems that creates.</p>
<p>I can. I would do it for myself, and if my daughter asked me to help her I would. I call our public court access site “the single woman’s best friend.” You would be amazed at what you can find through a one-minute search of freely available court records. You would also be amazed at how many people lie about who they are or what their life situation is. What’s the expression, “trust but verify”? The internet seems to offer a good way to do that.</p>
<p>GFG - I think if it is out on the internet it is fair game and therefore anything I found I would share with my child. It is then up to them to figure out how to use this information - is it something they already know and are comfortable with, is it a surprise which may be a deal breaker for them, are they being deceived by the person, or is it something they need to talk over?.</p>
<p>I don’t fit into any of your scenarios. Every single one of my kids is DIFFERENT. They are all inexperienced dating and with romantic relationships. If I found something that was DEFINITELY troublesome, I would inform my daughter and let her do what she wanted with the info. And at least I’d know what was going on in her life and some potential risks she might be exposed to. If I just found stuff “not in line with our values”, I’d ask my daughters questions about the guy…if she didn’t know, I’d counsel her to find out. What she does is ultimately up to her. I don’t try to force anything. I like to know what’s going on with my kids. College is a tough time, and there are a lot of things that can cause kids trouble. If I know what’s happening, I can counsel them better if they hit a hard time.</p>
Woulda been okay if it was. I wasn’t offended. I enjoy our frequent and mild differences of opinion, and I like to see what you think about things. :)</p>