<p>cross posted with cromette - but basically the same answer</p>
<p>Well, anything I’d see on FB would have also been seen by S or D if s/he were dating the person, no? And if S or D is on the same values page as I am and willing to ditch an undesirable, then I have no doubt they can conduct an internet search better than I can and would not need me to be involved. Couldn’t you just ask them to check out their own dates in advance? And doing any more thorough searching or background checking seems silly for a date or two at the campus coffee shop. I am not understanding this level of involvment for young adults. I could see it if my D were 16 or younger, but then I didn’t let her date at that young age.</p>
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<p>I have one of those. Super protective of his precious privacy. This same kid will stand behind me reading my emails when I’m on the computer.</p>
<p>I’ll admit I’ve looked up my kids’ friends on Facebook, but only because I’m curious/nosy. (I have to say I’m surprised how many kids don’t set their Facebook posts and photos to private. It seems very foolish, considering what some of them post about.) I wouldn’t dare “friend” any of them – my kids would be livid. I’m friends with my daughter on FB but am very careful to never comment or even “like” anything she posts because I know it would annoy her.</p>
<p>I don’t limit my snooping to HIS Facebook page, and I’m not looking at the information through the same lens as they are. As I said, they are inexperienced in this arena, and out on their own for the first time in their lives. And no, I’m not talking about the coffee shop date guy. I’m talking about the guy that’s a bit more serious than that. My girls ALWAYS have lots of boy-friends. Not many boyfriends/love interests.</p>
<p>^Right. I am an invisible “friend” to my kids online. I would NEVER post on their walls or “like” anything they put up. (Same goes for their friends, except for a few who have taken that initiative with me.) Neither of my kids is an avid FB user, though, so what I mostly see is them occasionally being tagged in photos.</p>
<p>Simpkin, lol! I only ACCEPTED friend requests from their friends. I don’t send invites. I’m judicious in comments, but a “like” is not considered problematic by my kids. If they’re obviously engaged in a college kid discourse, i just admire from afar.</p>
<p>I’m actually friends on fb with a lot of my daughter’s closest friends and her boyfriend. BF is rather the fixture though.</p>
<p>Sure, I actually googled a girl my S2 was headed on a blind date with for a greek function. I txted and said “I’ve got all the deets on your date, interested?”. I got back a quick text saying…mom, you did not! yes, tell me everything now!! Favorite sports & teams, interests, high school, last summer’s vacation, etc. If she doesn’t keep her social media locked down… Pinterest is actually most interesting and informative. I sat for a good 15min and marveled at the extensive adult beverage recipes. Some sounded really tasty, but lethal! I did not tell him about the vast collection of wedding dress ‘pins’ on pinterest. No need in upsetting him (its a ‘girl thing’). He knows my sleuthing skills are far superior to his and he’s kind of shy on a first date, so knowing a few things about her they might have in common was appreciated.</p>
<p>Blueiguana, I’d never had thought of looking in Pinterest! You are brilliant. </p>
<p>That said, I’ve often looked up my kid’s friends on FB. I’m friends with my kids and frankly, I like to have a face attached to the names they mention from school/work. </p>
<p>I’m not on Linkedin so I’ve never looked up anyone there, but if a person has a profile there, I fail to see the problem with looking at it. If a person is putting something on the internet for people to see, then you can not be accused of snooping by reading it. It’s not as if you have to crack a special code just to read it. </p>
<p>I onetime looked up a relative on the internet. I had heard that he was selling something and I was interested to see what he was selling. So, I typed in his name and oh my! I was beyond shocked at what I found. Turned out that this relative is an ‘escort’ and had posted lots of pictures (NSFW!!) and even some video. He was angry when he heard that I’d found him on the internet but the whole reason he was on the internet was for people to find him (and buy his service). His website did not say, “Everyone can look at me here EXCEPT for my relatives.”</p>
<p>"
But I can’t imagine actively searchng the internet for information on a friend or date of my adult child."
“i can. I would do it for myself, and if my daughter asked me to help her I would. I call our public court access site “the single woman’s best friend.” You would be amazed at what you can find through a one-minute search of freely available court records. You would also be amazed at how many people lie about who they are or what their life situation is. What’s the expression, “trust but verify”? The internet seems to offer a good way to do that.”</p>
<p>Ha ha. A work friend of mine had a friend who had some concerns about a guy she was dating (she suspected he was really married). As it turns out, we gave the “assignment” to my D, who had some spare time on her hands, to google-stalk the guy and get to the heart of this. D produced a report. I was quite impressed :-). It’s not stalking, it’s research. Like oldfort, I’m pretty good at this, too.</p>
<p>I googled a college acquaintance and the first thing that popped up was a court alimony case in which it was revealed that his mother had committed incest with him. Poor guy - his clients will see this. I googled the brother of an old friend since I heard he lived near me and I thought I’d say hi and it turns out he is active in fetish photography. You never know.</p>
<p>Exactly. (And, ew.) But as you say, “it’s not stalking, it’s research.”</p>
<p>busdriver11, same situation here! D tells me about her friends, but I have no idea if she’s dating anyone. She’s very mature, level-headed, and seems to use good judgment. So I’m not worried.</p>
<p>aqua - if you were her facebook friend at least you would know if she is FBO (facebook official) dating anybody!!</p>
<p>With the oldest, I often did the criminal records search too!</p>
<p>Honestly, in the world of FB where everything or anything posted is not really private how can it be looked at as snooping. That line seems very fine.</p>
<p>I agree Lakemom. </p>
<p>And frankly if I was becoming intimate with someone, and that person was not a good person (but was an incredible liar - so good that I could not discern it), I would appreciate it if another person told me what she’d seen on FB/LinkedIn/Pinterest/court records/any other website. Then I could do with that info what I felt best. I’d much rather know than not know.</p>
<p>Exactly! Thanks you guys!!! I was starting to feel like the lone ranger!!! :D</p>
<p>kiddie, I don’t have a FB account. I believe I may have discussed this in another thread. Anyway, D nicely told me and my H that if we ever got FB accounts, she would not friend us. She’s the type that wants her privacy and I respect that.</p>
<p>aquamarinesea, I agree with you. I know a lot of people who are FB friends with their kids. I am not FB friends with my S, I respect that he wants his privacy. I am close to my mom but if I was his age and my mom had wanted to be FB friends with me, I wouldn’t have wanted to either.</p>