Googling your colllege student's dates

Parent Cafe
101

<p>Actually, looking at the LinkedIn profile makes me think you are trying to see if the person’s credentials are a good fit for your child. I would probably do this if my D is seriously considering marrying the person but I’m not going to do it at an early stage when either one can just easily drop each other like a hot potato. What a total waste of time. </p>

<p>If I start looking at what’s available online for my child’s current SO and his/her parents and/or friends at an early stage, can I trust myself to be objective about the SO? Will I deliberately or subconsciously encourage or sabotage the relationship if I have all these info? I prefer to be neutral and let them make mistakes, fall in and out of love without my preconceived notions interfering in the natural development or decline of their relationship. I will, of course, be ready to provide advice and support when she seeks it.</p>

102

<p>Yes. All research at all levels and types is totally and completely analogous. There are no differences in curiosity, intrusiveness, prurience, or plain old nosiness. None at all. In fact, seeing gradations of difference in any area at all is a waste of time. That’s what we can learn from facile equivalences.</p>

103

<p>I think GFG nails it. And I will add that it’s still entirely different to look up a person for their professional credentials or reviews-like using Yelp to find a dentist, for example, or the bio of a speaker, than it is to assume you can learn enough about the PERSON, his character and his family or friends from a variety of internet sources to really make an informed decision about them.</p>

<p>EVen GFG’s example of a druggie or loose women could be incorrect, since kids grow up and sometimes reform themselves or get away from bad families. I say again, nothing much good can come of this kind of searching.</p>

104

<p>This thread brings back memories of our mothers meeting after church and discussing the topics of the day. Before FaceBook and Linked-In, the only way to get information about people was good old face-to-face fact-finding (AKA gossip).
It is absolutely normal to want to know more about the people with whom your kids associate. In this world of information saturation, one could get carried away I guess. But in my mind, a little curiosity is a far cry from stalking :0)</p>

105

<p>Long, long time ago, when there was no phone, internet, or very good transportation, people found out about each other through talking with neighbors and friends. </p>

<p>My parents were introduced through a mutual friend of their families. The friend knew both families, knew my parents’ background (age, education, looks), and thought they would be of good match before he introduced them. I am sure their parents asked the friend about the other side’s family and what kind of person the potential SO is like. My mother told me that she wanted to know everything about my father before she agreed to meet him.</p>

<p>Were they doing research or were they stalking in the old fashion way? My parents have been happily married for 50+ years now. My mother used to tell us, “Before you get married, keep both eyes open. After you get married, keep one eye closed.”</p>

106

<p>Was that an arranged marriage oldfort?</p>

107

<p>Close to it. They were allowed to meet a few times before they said yes. My parents thought they were quite modern in their days because their marriage wasn’t arranged.</p>

108

<p>My mother used to tell us, “Before you get married, keep both eyes open. After you get married, keep one eye closed.” </p>

<p>Oldfort - Your mother was a wise woman :0)</p>

109

<p>my mom got to be close friends with a college friend, as they were among the few females in a STEM field. This friend introduced her to her cousin, which led to my parents. My parents and this cousin and her husband remained close thru death; they traveled together every year. Looking back, rather amazing that 2 women liked each other, ended up working in the same hospital for years, and had husbands that really enjoyed each other. I guess that was the good old days.</p>

<p>my 3 sons, Oldfort is one of the wisest posters on this board. Her daughters are so fortunate.</p>

110

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<p>That is a very good question Pizzagirl because if it is I would say most everyone here is a stalker!</p>

111

<p>I think that by googling your child’s friends and dates you tend to freeze their accomplishments, or lack thereof, in your mind. They become only the sum of their past, which those of us who have lived a good half century have to admit is not necessarily a prediction of the future.</p>

<p>Someone upthread spoke about her ex, who would have “googled” wonderfully…right up until he hit her.</p>

<p>In my own life, when my husband and I were dating he would have “googled” (had that existed) as recent graduate of a third tier state directional university. He was a bio/chem secondary ed. major, working full time as a school bus driver, while retaking a class he had bombed in as an undergrad. In his spare time he was playing in a men’s softball rec league. The previous summer he had worked at a local “River Tubing” place. Not much to impress any of the CC parents here.</p>

<p>30+ years later he has a PharmD., MD, is a board certified specialist (physician), active duty Army Colonel who has served a tour in Iraq. You would NEVER have anticipated his potential.</p>

<p>Another of my family members would have googled as a college drop out, rock groupie who had her front teeth knocked out in a late night one car collision (after a concert) that killed the driver. Later, she lived in South America for a few years, became fluent in Spanish, and an expert in one particular country. She returned to college, completed her PhD, and has a wonderful career with a high level security clearance. Again, you would not have predicted her success based on a google snapshot of her life at an earlier age.</p>

<p>But had you met either of them at those younger, awkward ages, you would have immediately recognized their intelligence, emotional depth, warmth, humor, and compassion. Googling can’t show you the inside of a person’s heart and soul., only what they’ve done.</p>

112

<p>eastcoascrazy, sadly the reverse is also true. Think of all the people who started out in life with all the advantages but fell from grace and ended up with very little.</p>

<p>Imagine if someone married heavily based on what they googled and then life turned out otherwise.</p>

113

<p>^^ Exactly…</p>

114

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<p>I don’t see why your kids would be better off. I think you actually meant YOU would be better off.</p>

115

<p>My H and I felt privileged that our very reserved son did tell us he was “in a relationship” in his second year of college. As I recall, we were driving on terrible winter roads from his campus in IA to my parents’ home in WI. I tried to be so careful about not assuming anything about the relationship including the gender of his partner. I came up with, “Is it someone we’ve met?”. Turned out it was a young woman we’d met briefly once. I still don’t think it was awful of me to google her name later.</p>

116

<p>Think about it: would we have wanted our parents investigating our teen/young adult going on’s? This takes the cake in helicopter parenting IMO…</p>

<p>FWIW, I met a guy decades ago who was an out of control teen/20something who had a less than stellar record/reputation. But a tragic parental divorce left him a pretty vulnerable kid and his behavior was the end result. </p>

<p>And I only know this because something about the guy, beyond or in lieu of his reputation, attracted me to him.</p>

<p>We’ll be married 34 years this month and rest assured, the behavior of his youth masked a gentle, kind, wonderful person…</p>

<p>And as a result, I’ve always tempered my opinion of my kids friends with the knowledge that “books and covers” don’t always mesh!</p>

117

<p>Really Merrymaid4, you mean your parents never happened to “find” something in your room or overheard something that told them about your doings? That was all that was available in their day.</p>

118

<p>That’s a bit different than actively searching out information is it not? And I’m sure if they did, (can’t remember of an actual event), I was not pleased with my privacy being challenged. </p>

<p>You need to trust that you raised your kids to make good choices. You can not reroute a college student’s thought process if you discover they are making decisions you don’t agree with or dating people that don’t meet your criteria. At that point, it’s in their hands…</p>

119

<p>How you approach or don’t approach your kids with the info you found googling is whatever the norm is for your family. </p>

<p>Your parents may not have gotten on a second phone to hear you talk to a friend but they might have stood behind a wall and listened. </p>

<p>Privacy today is an interesting concept. I am amazed at what people will post on FB and that they don’t reject the Big Brother aspects of FB and refuse to participate. There is no privacy on FB, a person has sold their soul to belong. Along with other social media sites, all info is public now.</p>

120

<p>I’d probably google them to see what they look like–what’s wrong with that?</p>