Grade an AP Lang student's essay please!

<p>Please grade my essay from 0-9</p>

<p>Sandy Kempner’s rendition of his time in Vietnam makes evident that his placement in war is more forceful than voluntary. His use of numerous rhetorical techniques establishes the negative attitude that he has towards war. Sarcasm, parallelism, and satire effectively make this letter home a successful example of an anti-war sentiment.
Sandy immediately begins his letter describing how “an abortion called Operation Jackson” was a “‘walk in the sun. ‘“ Typically, this metaphor is used to symbolize the ease of task; however, we know this task was anything but easy. This play on syntax brings out a humorous tone with a vicariously petty feeling, showing Sandy’s true attitude towards war. It becomes clear that his sarcasm is establishing his placement in Vietnam. He goes on to explain how he and his team were “’very successful’” after they have managed to “kill a few probably innocent civilians,” find “a few caves,” and “burn a few houses, all in a driving rainstorm.” The authors eerie sarcasm is shown when the notion of “very successful” is used in the context of killing innocent civilians. One knows that when an innocent civilian is killed, success is the furthest thing from being accomplished. This would correlate to describing the deaths of the victims on September 11, 2001, as being highly successful; we unanimously know otherwise.
To grab the attention of his reader’s and give structural similarities, Sandy Kempner uses parallelism in his letter. He describes how he spent a “three-day ‘walk in the sun’ (and paddies and fields and mountains and impenetrable jungle and saw grass and ants, and screwed-up radios…and, and, and).” By using this unique technique he shows that the three-days were not a “walk in the sun;” instead, they were a heavy sprint into a plethora of unsatisfaction. The repetition of “and” only prolongs the sentence, making his “journey” seem unsatisfying.
Sandy Kempner’s last attempt at a meaningful letter is to use satire to address his family. He enthusiastically engages in the description of the brutal war which creates imagery. He describes the “14,000 meter forced march on a hard road,” and the “$50,000 worth of ammo,” virtually wasted on a single shooting; reader’s feel the hard road and smell the excess gunpowder. His voice in regards for reform or ridicule establishes his position well, which shows that he is against war.
The Vietnam War has inevitably caused Sandy Kempner to write a letter home that would touch the lives of anyone reading it. His vast description of the hardships and pain faced during war bring out his true attitude, successfully establishing his letter as one of an anti-war sentiment.</p>

<p>I kinda need the original passage, but… I would give this a 5.</p>

<p>Intro needs work. Do not write a shopping list thesis (“sarcasm, parallelism, and satire”). Also sarcasm and satire are very similar, so it’s not a good idea to use these two at the same time. In addition, satire is usually used to describe a piece of literature as a whole.</p>

<p>The September 11 thing is random and necessary.</p>

<p>For your last example, I would say it sounds like the writer is using logical appeal).</p>

<p>Instead of saying “uses parallelism”, you can say Sandy “parallels” (so that “parallels” is an active verb).</p>

<p>I really like the conclusion!</p>