Grade an essay here #2

<p>“What is the primary purpose of education?”</p>

<p>Children across the world attend schools daily. Whether you’re a first-grader learning how to solve adding one and one or a twelfth grader ardently studying for SAT, the reason for academic excellence remains the same. Education’s purpose is to create a civilized mind that contributes to mankind.</p>

<p>Thomas Jefferson is an exemplary figure of education’s worth. Born into a wealthy Virginian family, Jefferson attended the prestigious College of William and Mary. He scrutinized every aspect of his education, trying to get the maximum result out of this opportune moment. From Sophocles to Newton, Jefferson passionately studied to fulfill his mind with ancient wisdom. His effort paid off as he single-handedly drafted the Declaration of Independence during the Revolutionary War. Jefferson solidified the foundation of democracy with his masterful writing skill, demonstrating how a cerebral scholar can improve his country with fundamental yet crucial academia.</p>

<p>In Contrast, Alexander Hamilton highlights just how much of direct influence education can have on a boy of poor background. A poor son of working parents in Haiti, Alexander Hamilton tasted the bitter taste of orphanage at an early age. He sought parental guidance from intelligent adults, and he found them in quick-minded sailors. After becoming an apprentice to the sailors, Hamilton learned all he could about trading and business management. When he was eighteen, he moved to the state of New York in hopes of intellectually rewarding opportunities. Quickly establishing himself as the most sharp-minded lawyer in New York, Hamilton stroved to further recognition by editing the anti-British newspaper “The Federalist” and being chosen by George Washington to serve as secretary of treasury. With his ample education from various fields, Hamilton dramatically expediated American economy with charismatic decisions. Check and balance, a strong central government, and the first bank of America were established to enhance the strength of America’s wealth. Hamilton overcame a childhood misfortune and became a partisan of democratic virtue by educating his mind in a very admirable way.</p>

<p>Education is often taken for granted because students are often distracted by other aspects of their lives. However, we must never ignore its significance. It is the key to our success as noble leaders, a priceless reward that clarifies why we have to excel for worldly improvement.</p>

<p>It’s a bit long, historically inaccurate (Hamilton from Haiti… hahaha), and redundant (tasted the bitter taste of… hm…). How is it?</p>

<p>4/6 although prompt is bit weird I guess. It may be just me but after reading first paragraph, I thought your essay was bit… boring. It didn’t have hook to attract reader so no matter how good rest of your essay would be, I probably do not want to give 6/6. Another deduction came from types of examples. It’s pretty hard to do good examples but I don’t think that you HAD to pick two examples in history. Maybe you could use someone who was a talented teacher that showed importance of education (that is, use personal example). Overall, it’s a decent essay and I’ve seen worse in here but I think it can improve.</p>

<p>4/5- it’s well written yes, but after paragraph 2, you get off your thesis, and then try to get back to it. i do not see how the hamilton example helps your thesis at all. lots of vocabulary- yay, but what’s more important is having a coherent essay.</p>

<p>i say a 10 because my essay was a lot like yours-get off thesis and try get back to the topic- and i got a 9 without a conclusion para.</p>

<p>4/6</p>

<p>Ok the third para was a bit weird. Too much plot - way too redundant - it was like, reading a biography or something. Very little analysis of Hamilton. It was weak evidence too - didn’t support your thesis much.
Nice fancy vocabs. But the vocabs wont get you anywhere if your evidences are weak.
Goodluck with your next one!</p>