Grade another essay please.

[LoseYourself]

<p>Hey guys! Could you guys please tear into this essay and rip it to shreds with criticism? </p>

<p>(I made some obvious factual errors and also left the misspelled words and incorrect grammar in. Oh yeah… the third example is a made up book. :(…)
Prompt:</p>

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Do you agree with Aaron Burr that it’s wisest to put things off if you can?</p>

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<p>My essay:

It is not the wisest idea to put off things if you can. The best opportunity always awaits those who take action immediately. Several examples from history, contemporary culture, and 20th century literature support this idea of proactive action.</p>

<p>George Washington, the esteemed and revered first President of the United States, demonstrated through his military tactics in the Revolutionary War that the time to strike was crucial to the American win. At the start of the war for independence, Washington’s army was routed twice and forced to retreat as winter approached. The British enemies abided by the common wartime strategy of staying in a town for the winter, and Washington’s army could have done the same. Instead, Washington led the army across the icy, cold Delaware River under the protection of the nightfall and defeated the British in two attacks due to his proactive decision. Therefore, George Washington exemplifies that immediate action is the wisest action by his vital attacks and victories over the British.</p>

<p>Likewise, the story of Facebook’s rise to the the number one social website and prevalent fame shows that getting to an idea first through immediate action is the wisest idea. Initially, Mark Zuckerburg, the founder of Facebook, received the idea for a social network site from the Winklemann twins. For months, Zuckerburg, led the Winklemann twins to believe that he was working on the website for them, while in fact he was creating it for himself. The idea to put off the idea into the hands of a stranger would pay dearly for the Winklemanns, as Facebook, under the leadership of Zuckerburg, is now the fifth most-trafficked site in the world and worth and estimated 34 billion dollars; the Winklemann twins received a 34 million dollar settlement from the court. Therefore, the story of Facebook’s rice demonstrates that immediate action is the most wisest choice in business ideas.</p>

<p>Similarllu, the 20th century fable “Nathaniel’s Girl” shows through the main character that immediate action is the best choice when trying to get a girlfriend. Nick, the protagonist, tries to win the attention of Lucy, the hot cheerleader who likes Nick. Nick is plagued by nervousness and indecisiveness as he can’t bring himself to ask her out. Eventually, Even Matthus asks out Lucy and the two date throughout the entire fable. Later, Lucy mentions at the end of the book that she would have dated him if he asked earlier. Thus, Nick’s indecisiveness shows that immediate action is the best choice.</p>

<p>After careful examination of George Washington, Facebook’s rise and Nick in “Nathaniel’s Girl”, it is indeed best to take immediate action.</p>

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[dchau503]

<p>I think this essay is better than the last, but I still give this one a 10/12. The thesis is both simple and thoughtful, but nothing special. The example of George Washington exceptionally supports your thesis. The discussion on Mark Zuckerburg, however, is tangential to the thesis. The Winklemanns didn’t put off their idea; they had someone else develop it for them. Your last example of “Nathaniel’s Girl” competently supports your thesis.</p>

<p>I would avoid informal terms like “hot” though to describe a character.</p>

[bandgeek1]

<p>Probably an 8 or 9 (no lower though)
This essay was better than your other one, but it has similar errors.
Vocab use was good
The worst part of this was the conclusion, it should be a full paragraph. 3 sentences is a good mark to hit.
Use transitions between your body paragraphs, think ahead. Try to put your weakest point in the middle so it is forgotten by the end. Do not use “Likewise” or “Similarly” as the first word of a paragraph. You need to introduce your ideas first.
Grammar was good (you had a mistype at the beginning of your last body paragraph, but that won’t happen when you are writing it on a test, I just found it a little funny)</p>

<p>Instead of making up a book, just say it was your friends. Easy and the graders cannot prove it wrong. (I know facts aren’t too big of a deal, but false facts just ruin essays for me)</p>

[Senior0991]

<p>9 </p>

<p>Clear and well supported thesis. As stated earlier, your second paragraph is weak. Probably would be better to mention all the computer programmers that drop out of school (Zuckerberg, Bill Gates, scores of new kids). That way you give more than just three very specific cases where it was better to take action quicker. </p>

<p>Your essay does not address the other side of the argument, and your analysis of examples leaves a bit to be desired. Conclusion lacks depth.</p>

[aviballer]

<p>your conclusions are way too short. When an essay grader looks at this he says,
“Hmm. Really good examples that were developed well and reflect their thesis, but I don’t feel right giving this a 5 or 6” The graders can’t go back to appreciate your examples and will probably give a lower grade than if you had mediocre examples but a developed conclusion.
I would give this a 9</p>

[LoseYourself]

<p>Thank you guys for the help! I really appreciate it.</p>

[LilBallerx8]

<p>Yup, the rule I tend to follow is 3-4 sentence intro, and 2-3 sentence conclusion. I know you are following the 12 essay in 10 days guide, but honestly it is better to have an extra sentence in your conclusion to wrap it all up.</p>

<p>Good luck.</p>

[LoseYourself]

<p>Yes, thank you once again for the criticism.</p>