Grade/critique my essay

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>I did 5 practice essays from CB and received 10/12. This is my first Sparknote book essay so I’m curious to see my score. Please be honest.</p>

<p>To prevent possible copyright, I’ll only write question which is reworded:</p>

<p>Q: Do you think that a wealthier nation should always provide aid to a poorer country? Pick your position and support with evidences from your reading, experiences, or observations.</p>

<p>My essay:</p>

<p>Do wealthy nations’ aids really help the poor nations? Or do they instaed make situations more critical? Although most wealthy nations aid other nations in good purpose, the result is not always positive. In my opinion, wealthy nations should not always provide aid because of possible consequences.</p>

<p>First, Japan served as a good example for how aids were not always good. After World War II, United States set up democracy government in Japan and helped to rebuild its nation. Under General McArthur’s command, Japan recovered enormously and became an elite nation with many adroit workers. But to United States, this resulted a negative consequence since they now have very large amount of debts on Japan. clearly, this “aid” actually hurt the wealthy United States.</p>

<p>Second, another nice example was my friend who had a private tutor. Although I didn’t know his academic abilities, I knew that he was a smart person. But his parents put him with one-on-one tutor because they didn’t think his grades would be good enough. As a result, he was forced to study with tutor intensely for several weeks. I later learned that his grades did improve but they soon dropped when his parents stopped using the tutor. In another word, his parents artificially inflated his scores because they thought he needed them. In reality, he didn’t.</p>

<p>Third, Native Indians was a very important examples for this issue. Similar to how wealthy nations helped poor nations with sympathy, European and American settlers tried to help Native Americans by convicing them to be Christian. However, these people ------ European and and American settlers ----- didn’t realize that their adis were actually destroying Native Americans’ cultures. Moreover, Nations Americans never asked for their help. So, it appeared clearly that those “aids” served as subtle forms of weapons to destroy Native Americans.</p>

<p>Unquestionably, wealthy nations’ aids may not be good things. Without knowing how poor nations felt, those aids were completely unnecessary. The wealthy nations therefore should not always aid other nations.</p>

<p>Thanks!</p>

2

<p>anyone? </p>

<p>this is to post this thing… must be more than 10 characters.</p>

3

<p>The thing I notice with just a quick read-through is that your examples aren’t that good. The first one contradicts your introduction, kind of. You say it WAS good for Japan to recieve aid, although it later hurt the rich nation, USA. Your introduction makes it sound like aid doesnt always help the country recieving the aid. That doesn’t fit very well. Second example fits even wore. Whats it got to do with countries and aid? Seems off topic to me. The third example is the best of the three. I don’t like the conclusion, mostly because it doesn’t mesh well with the body of the essay. The concluding sentence is good though, very clear about your stance on the issue.</p>

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<p>Yeah, the first example was pretty tough to convey. While I was writing, I thought “helping other can hurt you” would be good example but now I think about it, it’s not that good with this topic. As for second example, I didn’t want to go to another society example or history example so I used “helping another.” </p>

<p>I think this essay topic is not that good though. Like in most CB essays, the topics are pretty broad and you can say a lot of stuffs. But in this one, it’s stricted to wealthy nations and poor nations. </p>

<p>Is this with real SAT essay? I hope not… I thought I was doing good with my essays by above scores I was getting but if I get this type of prompt, I’m screwed.</p>

5

<p>Second, another nice example was my friend who had a private tutor. Although I didn’t know his academic abilities, I knew that he was a smart person. But his parents put him with one-on-one tutor because they didn’t think his grades would be good enough. As a result, he was forced to study with tutor intensely for several weeks. I later learned that his grades did improve but they soon dropped when his parents stopped using the tutor. In another word, his parents artificially inflated his scores because they thought he needed them. In reality, he didn’t.</p>

<p>No sense whatsoever…If grades go up during tutoring, and then go downing after tutoring, the kid obviously needed the tutoring.</p>

6

<p>Examples were terrible, it would’ve got a very, very low score far lower then a 10… keep working though that’s what practice is for.</p>

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<p>Yeah now I realize more…</p>

<p>From this poor essay, I learned one important thing… Never let your guard down… I guess I thought I knew what I was doing from 10/12 stuffs from CB and had my guard down. </p>

<p>Thanks for the criticisms! Hopefully I’ll write better one soon. :-D</p>

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<p>grayfalcon im givin u 8 or a 9…
ur conclusion is decent… ur sentence structure is varied so no probs there…
however ur examples thats where the problem is…
ur second one if off-topic and puts off the grader and conveys the message taht u didnt get the prompt… even the first is kinda contradictory…
ur third is the appropriate one…
however im sure with a bit more practice ull do much better
best of luck…</p>

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<p>i must say that the prompt sees very unlike an SAT prompt…it seems a little too specific most prompts are vague so the student can write about whatever he/she wants to. honestly i think this is a crap prompt…anyone else agree or is it just me? lol</p>

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<p>^ I agree that it was a lousy prompt… I don’t know what kind of essay I’d have written, given that prompt :eek: (don’t want to know)</p>

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<p>If the question is only wealthier nations to poorer nations, I don’t think you can use a personal example in this case. However I have seen no real SAT questions that were this specific. Second, your grammar sounds like English is not your native language. While your meaning is quite clear, and the organization is fine, I don’t know to what extent you’ll be penalized.</p>

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<p>grayfalcon89:</p>

<p>Your essay isn’t horrible, but it could use some improvement. I would personally give the essay 4+4=8. I would say that your score could be a 9 at most, 7 at the least.</p>

<p>The first thing I noticed was that your essay has a very weak thesis.</p>

<p>“In my opinion, wealthy nations should not always provide aid because of possible consequences.”</p>

<p>A thesis must be strong, precise, and supported by examples in your essay.</p>

<p>As stated earlier, your examples aren’t entirely clear. I have to agree with the first being contradictory. The second one is way off tangent. It doesn’t really fit in. The third was near perfect, just a bit underdeveloped. To revise the essay, perhaps delete the second paragraph entirely (maybe even the first) and elaborate on the third example. You can still get a high grade with only one example. ALthough your examples don’t really fit in that well, you’ll probably get points for just keeping a strong stance.</p>

<p>Your sentence structure is varied, the essay is well organized, grammar is decent, but your vocabulary could be improved a bit. </p>

<p>“Third, Native Indians was a very important examples for this issue.” As a topic sentence, this is a bit weak, not to mention gramatically incorrect.</p>

<p>Using phrases like “Another nice example” isn’t very convincing either. However, you have some great ideas and expressed them well:</p>

<p>Unquestionably, wealthy nations’ aids may not be good things.</p>

<p>A good concluding sentence. It could be reworded to fit, but it works.</p>

<p>I think you are a good writer, capable of 10+ but this was a horrible essay topic. Best of luck on your other essays.</p>

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<p>yeah… it seems a bit unlikely that the prompt would be so specific…</p>