<p>An ancient Chinese proverb wisely observed, People tend to fear power. Fearing retribution and even greater harms, people tend to suppress the injustices they suffer. Although they are wronged, most avoid speaking out against authority, for power frequently lies in their oppressor. Whether it is the Chinese womens acceptance of foot-binding or the Puritans refusal to castigate their minister for committing adultery, people are ultimately afraid to challenge authority.
Consider the restrictive practice of foot-binding that has been imposed on Chinese women since the eleventh century and was only abandoned in the recent decades. At a young age, Chinese girls were required to have their foot tightly bound by cloth to restrict the normal growth of their feet, in order to maintain miniature-sized feet. Society deemed small feet beautiful and admirable, thus women adhered to societys norms. Nevertheless, foot-binding was extremely painful and significantly restricted the mobility of women. Frequently, many women had to stay in bed for days because of the pain incurred from walking constantly on their feet that had grown improperly. Diaries of nineteenth century women show that they loathed this practice, but no women ever challenged this tradition because society deemed it acceptable; by challenging society, they would consequently be challenging the beliefs held by generations of Chinese people. Out of fear of societal disapproval, Chinese women accepted this oppressive practice.
Similarly, in Nathaniel Hawthornes The Scarlet Letter, the minister of the community, Arthur Dimmesdale, is clearly guilty of adultery but receives no punishment. Not only does he hint at his sin, he openly admits to his congregation of his adultery. Hester, the women he impregnated, is shunned by society and frequently suffers the communitys abuse and torture. However, Dimmesdale is never challenged, and the Puritan community continues to cherish and admire their minister. Hester lacked authority, and thus the Puritans felt empowered to condemn her. However, as a respected member of the clergy, Dimmesdale gained immunity and his sin was erased. The community may easily castigate a woman, but they avoid challenging an authoritative figure.
Unfortunately, many people recognize the power that comes with authority and thus avoid voicing their concerns. Despite their suffering and restricted mobility, the Chinese women were afraid to challenge the traditional practice of foot-binding. They may relate their sufferings in their personal diaries, but they feared voicing their opinions in public. Similarly, the Puritan community can be confronted with empirical evidence of Dimmesdales sin, but they rather ignore his sin and focus punishment on a weaker figure, like Hester Prynne. As power continues to lie with authority, people will continue to suppress their true beliefs and avoid challenging those in power. </p>
<p>Can someone please help me improve my essay and grade it as well? I’m really worried about the essay section of the SAT, and if anybody has any tips, I would greatly appreciate it! Thanks!</p>
<p>nice prolly 11, what did u score on ur past essays?</p>
<p>really? thanks! bc the essay grading service i use gave it a 9…
i frequently get 8s and 9s so im really worried</p>
<p>This is really good. It’s probably a 10 or 11. To make sure, you may want to provide a third example. You gave a historical and literary one…how about a common/personal or another current media event…? Just some suggestions, but gosh! this is pretty awesome.</p>
<p>Nice essay. I especially liked the Scarlet Letter example. Every essay I write, I try to use this book. Sadly, as evidenced by the December SAT this year, it seems essays are moving toward a trend of current events/times…thus making it harder to use historical/sophisticated literary examples.</p>
<p>I would say that if you included another example, this essay would be a 12 for sure (let’s say 11 or 12 though to account for the subjectivity of the graders). Despite anything CB says, the longer the essay, the better. I thought that you rambled a little on your Chinese example, so maybe get to the point quicker on that and add another example from history or literature (or maybe even put in some made up psychology studies). Another thing–I’ve always been taught that with SAT essays, the graders like to know your position from the first sentence. Even though you sorta did give your view in your 1st sentence, A) you used someone else’s words, and B) I had to think a little bit to process that quote in relation to what the prompt most likely was. I would maybe try incorporating what you said in the last sentence of the first paragraph in your opening sentence, and maybe saving that quote for later in the intro or the conclusion itself. Other than that, you have good diction, sentence variety, good and clear insight and overall it just looks and sounds good (the overall feel is very important, as a grader has about 2 minutes to grade it).</p>
<p>Hope this helps!
I got a 12 on the December 2009 SAT friendship essay using Harry Potter, social networking sites, and made-up psychology studies as my examples (up from an 8 on my June 2009 ACT).</p>
<p>guys, thank you so much for replying! that certainly assuaged my fears a bit! i was so scared before bc all my essays would be graded 8/9s, and yeah, im definitely going to try to incorporate a 3rd example. i couldn’t think of anything, so i decided to go with 2 lol. is it better to have 2 strong examples or is it better to have 3, even if one is made up/kinda wacky? thank you so much once again. i really really appreciate the feedback :)</p>
<p>Ok, so to answer your question about 2 or 3 examples, here is my actual essay that scored a 12 on this month’s SAT that has 3 examples…which to me, definitely has 1 or 2 random/madeup/wacky examples. I’ll save more comments about my essay at the end. I’m not taking the SAT again, but if I did, I would definitely strive for 3 solid examples, since this almost always makes the essay longer than having 2.</p>
<p>Prompt: Is it easier now to form friendships than ever before?</p>
<p>The prevalency* of social interaction in the world today creates the perfect environment for forming friendships more easily. The human race has steadily become a more social and emotional species, intent on seeking out those whom one can trust and call a friend. Modern literature, analysis of current events, and recent studies illuminate this phenomenon.
A prominent theme in J.K. Rowlings Harry Potter series is the value and necessity of friendship. The main protagonist, Harry Potter, is an outsider who must seek out friends amongst people he does not know. A sociable person, he readily becomes friends with Ron and Hermione, who share his qualities such as* deep courage and a thirst for doing the right thing. Though set in a past setting, these books therefore* allude to Rowlings milieua world in which friendship is becoming increasingly important. By its nature, this necessity constitutes the prime motivator by which establishing friendly relationships becomes easier. Nonetheless<em>, the technology of the present world climate further facilitates the ease of making friendships.
The social networking sites Myspace and Facebook provide a means by which individuals can maintain relationships and contacts with others. These sites have a feature that suggests adding friends of friends. Students and adults can therefore make temporary friendships online with great numbers of people by the mere click of a button. If both parties wish for the friendship to become more real, each can arrange to meet in person. Regardless, the technology and ingenuity of the Internet eases the potential hardship of having to seek out an individual in person. The friendships over the Internet may be fragile, but they are friendships nonetheless.
Studies in psychology in recent years having</em> yielded results pointing to the growing emotional attachment that humans possess. People are becoming more inclined to wanting to figuratively share ones life with another, trading secrets and such. Humans are also becoming more sociable, with almost religious connections with cell phones and texting. Those without friends are ostracized and looked down upon by peers. This intrinsic fear of being different and detached proves to be the greatest force that eases the access of friendships. If motivated by the thought of this devastating scenario, students and adults will do anything in their power to build friendships. In the past, popularity and emotional attachment were less important to those more focused on careers and self. Times are changing.
A desire to designate others as friendships has readily made the very action of establishing friendships easier. The innovation of the modern world coupled with inner human wishes and emotions developing in the human species further facilitate the special acts of making friendships.
<em>End of Essay</em></p>
<p>Ok so the fact that this essay scored a 12 proves a few things:
- The grading is subjective (this is definitely not my masterpiece of writing, and I personally would have given this a 10 or 11)
- Even 12 essays can have multiple small errors, and one to two big ones (the * indicates anywhere that I feel edits should be made) Some of my errors include:
– “Prevalency” isn’t a real word (should be prevalence)
– “such as” should be deleted to make the sentence flow better
– “therefore” is unecessary
– “Nonetheless” should be changed to moreover
– “having” is completely the wrong verb, it should be “have”
- You can put made up/potentially false information as long as it sounds plausible and addresses the prompt: I don’t actually have a Myspace, so I don’t truly know if it has the feature I mentioned, like Facebook does (maybe my grader only has a Facebook too)
- The insight you derive fromt he examples is more important than the examples themselves.
– You can’t just say “it’s easier to amke friendships” and then cite examples that show easier made friendships…you must specify (insightfully) WHY it’s easier. So two main points I make is because it’s necessary and because the fear of being alone drives it.
– I would say my HP example and made up psych stuff are pretty “out there”, but the insight I pulled from them was probably unique enough to get me a 12.
- The overall impression is more important than a detailed analysis of the essay. Read my essay slowly, absorbing every sentence, ever ambiguity, evey flaw…then read it fast, looking for the main insight and overall feel. I think you will see a difference.</p>