Grade my essay out of 6?

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1

<p>Prompt: When some people win, must others lose, or are there situations in which everyone wins?</p>

<p>A marathon nears its end; the athletes running in a frenzy toward the finish line. In the end, one athlete emerge victorious, having left the others behind. A marathon is an example in which not everyone can be a winner. These examples are pervasive throughout the daily lives of humans. That for one to win demands another to lose is an inherent property of life.</p>

<p>In the novel 1984 by George Orwell, free speech, as well as thought, is forbidden by the totalitarian government. Life is spend under total surveillance. Within this society lives the protagonist, Winston, a man who disagrees with the ideals of the overhanging regime. Winston is ultimately lured into a trap by the everwatching government and tortured until he conforms. Throughot the novel, Winston, the free thinking individual, is at odds with the government, which desires to strictly manage the country and stifle all seeds of opposition. Winston cannot maintain his will and win his struggle with the government while the government stands and wins its fight against the free thinking individuals. Thus, it is impossible for both Winston and the government to win-one must lose their struggle.</p>

<p>Many situations are similar to that between Winston and the government, with one side being the antithesis of the other. In some cases, a compromise is created. Although it may be claimed that a compromise allows both sides to win, and neither to lose, the reality is that by compromising, both sides give in to the other, and both sides lose. This is evident in the case of the Three-Fifths Compromise. This compromise between the Northern and Southern States declared a slave to be considered only three-fifths of a person for the sake of determining representation of each state in Congress. Initially, the North refused to count the slaves on the basis that they were simply property, whereas the South demanded the slaves be fully counted to obtain maximal representation in Congress. By compromising, neither side obtains their desired goals, and both sides effectively lose. In the attempt to ameliorate the tensions between North and South, the Three-Fifths Compromise pushed both sides to a loss.</p>

<p>Within history and literature, the fact that a win demands a loss is pervasive. Every struggle is at best zero-sum-only one’s loss can ascertain another’s win.</p>

2

<p>Any feedback?</p>

3

<p>I am not really a great grader, but I would probably give it a 4 as your intro does not give as much insight into the topic as your body paragraphs seem to do. Graders will mainly focus on your intro/conclusion/intro and conclusion sentences for body paragraphs in order to check for flowing ideas, so you have to make sure your intro is especially meaty as it should be the essence of your essay. Also, the intro to your 2nd body was misplaced; you could have just dived into the topic of the 3/5 Compromise, and have put the beginning part about compromises at the end to tie the topic back to the Q, as your intro should always introduce the topic of the paragraph, while your conclusion should tie the paragraph back to the main Q for the best flow. Also, in case you write small-ish, making this cover only 1 1/2 pages, keep in mind, the more space you cover on your 2 essay pages, the higher your score will be guaranteed. </p>

4

<p>I would probably give you a four or five (maybe a 9 total). </p>

<p>Your points are very specific, which is extremely important and something many students have trouble producing. I agree with Vinefeather in that you should try to further develop your introduction. I also think it would be valuable to restate your thesis and examples in your conclusion. Another great way to improve your score is by addressing the counterargument. You did this in your second paragraph, but I think the counterargument should also be stated in the introduction paragraph.</p>

<p>I realize that your are trying to diversify your language and sentence structure, but some of your sentences are a bit convoluted. An example: “Winston cannot maintain his will and win his struggle with the government while the government stands and wins its fight against the free thinking individuals.” </p>

<p>There are grammatical and spelling errors throughout the essay, but these are small and would be easy for you to correct. I will outline a few:</p>

<p>“Life is spend under total surveillance.” - “spend” should be “spent”
“everwatching government” - “everwatching” should be “ever watching”
“Throughot the novel” - “Throughot” should be “Throughout”
“By compromising, neither side obtains their desired goals, and both sides effectively lose.” - This statement should be written in past tense to match the rest of the example</p>

<p>I hope this helps!</p>

5

<p>Thanks for the feedback, Vinefeather and jdjunior</p>