Grade my Essay please!!! I want at least a 10 or 11!!

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1

<p>Sometimes, it is necessary to challenge people’s authority because it forces other people or organizations to improve themselves. Evidence are shown in Animal Farm, One Flew Over Cuckoo’s Nest, and Fahrenheit 451. </p>

<p>First, in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, by Ken Kesey, the main character McMurphy challenges the authority of Big Nurse. For example, he does not follow the institution’s regular schedule. He wants to watch a baseball game at the time they are supposed to clean. He even tries to negotiate with the Nurse by offering to clean earlier to watch the game. However, because the Nurse does not want to show weakness or looseness in her authority, she refuses. This does not stop McMurphy and instead of conforming, he goes against this by having other patients to join. Even though they didn’t get to watch the game, Big Nurse who is always silent and calm, loses control and her emotions break out.
Therefore, by challenging the authority, the patients realized that they are not weak and it gave them courage that they can form their own opinions. </p>

<p>Secondly, in Fahrenheit 451, Montag who is a fireman, is ordered to burn all the books which are considered illegal. However, when he visists one house, he sees an old woman who refuses to leave the house and tells them to burn her with all the books. Montag, then, challenges the authority by hiding the books at home. Even when his own wife turned against him, he attacks the chief and runs away with his books to the Book Society. By doing this, he is not only corrrecting the flaws of the society, but he is also trying to build a society into a better one. </p>

<p>However, in Animal Farm, the animals did not challenge the authority. If they had, it would have turned out better. For example, when Napoleon took over the farm, the animals did not go against him. Instead, they were forced to work harder under the power of Squealer. Therefore, Napoleon and his power turned more like human beings by dressing like them and eating like them. Unfortunately, Boxer got sent to a slaughterer to be killed and Napoleon got the money to buy himself more whiskey. </p>

<p>Therefore, as shown in One Flew over Cuckoo’s Nest and in Fahrenheit 451, it is sometimes necessary to challenge the authority to have better society. And the book Animal Farm indicates what happens if no one does and it will result in one person having all the power and rule over others. </p>

<p>Thanks for reading…
What would you give? Any areas for improvement? Feel free…
I got an 8 last time, mainly because I didn’t really have any good examples, but I really need a 10 or 11.</p>

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<p>looks pretty standard to me. i think u described ur examples well but what is still missing is ur own thinking (critical) which draws the connection between the examples and ur conclusion…
i mean, sorry, but the conclusion u offer (if i understood it correctly) is: it is sometimes necessary to chellanede authority to have a better society. um, that is, to put it bluntly, a bit weak. u shud rather say sth like: so, as shown in … it is necessary to question authority (sometimes?? lol i wud say continuously :P) because it puts a stance of control on those who control us or sth. u have to show that ur r not only able to think of good examples (which btw r too detailed for me, but i am not the essay grader, just think about cutting them to the essential and then have more time to elaborate on ur conclusion), and use them. i mean ur examples r perfect!! but u don´t use their full potential in using them to prove ur point. well, but that is only an opinion.
otherwise, i think it is very well written and it doesnt sound artificial, which is good!!
ok, finally, if i were to give it a number (again, i am probs not more entitled to do so than u, probs less, cause i am not a native anglophone), i´d give it a 9.
work on ur conclusion and it is an 11… good luck!!</p>

3

<p>ok, thanks!
So, I should probably develop the “connection” between my examples and my own opinion and work on my conclusion!</p>

4

<p>A few thoughts:</p>

<p>I think three examples is excessive given the limited amount of time available for the essay. It seems like you arbitrarily threw out book titles and character names to show your knowledge of literature rather than actually drawing meaningful connections to the prompt.</p>

<p>Examples from literature can be fantastic, but only if used carefully. Remember that these three books are intended to serve as political commentaries rather than scientific evidence. The outcome of a fictitious story is not relevant unless you make it relevant. As a grader, I don’t care whether you remember poor Boxer’s untimely end. The message of Animal Farm is not that Napoleon drank whiskey; it is that those who claim to speak for the masses in fact subvert their duties and abuse power. You need to emphasize the meaning of your example, explain why we should care about it, and finally show exactly how it upholds your position.</p>

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<p>good point =)
So, I think I should just use 2 examples and really try to develop those…
that was about 8 or 9 right??</p>

6

<p>^ That would be an improvement.</p>

<p>I would have given it a high 7 or low 8, but I tend to be a harsh grader.</p>

7

<p>I would give it an 8 or 9. The essay is very basic and does not go above the standards.</p>