Grade my essay please.

[LoseYourself]

<p>Hey guys! I just started preparing my essay skills for the October SAT, so criticism would be nice. Please rip into my essay and point out every flaw if you can. I need criticism!</p>

<p>(Yes, I know I flubbed some facts as I couldn’t remember some stuff. I included all the mistakes and every type.)</p>

<p>Prompt:

Do people spend too much time trying to please others rather than reaching their own standards

</p>

<p>My essay:</p>

<p>

People do indeed spend too much time trying to please other people rather than reaching their own standards. While humans try to please others, they are inappropriately allocating time to ventures that would have worked out for them in the long run. Several examples from history and contemporary culture exemplify this action of misused efforts.</p>

<p>Hans Van Meegeren, an 18th century Dutch counterfeiter, shows through his notorious career that people spend too much time trying to please other people. Growing up, Meegeren aspired to become a world renown painter of the likes of Massachio and Leonardio Da Vinci, but his first painting was dubbed as 'incongruous" and “apalling” by his contemporary critics. This episode would lead Meegeren to imitate the artwork of famous painters as an act of retribution. He copied many paintings throughout his lifetime but the most famous was “Sunsets of Alvariola.” He spent 7 years on what modern day art connoissers call “the perfect imitation” by making his own paintbrushes and mixing his own paints to replicate the tools of Salvan Doricello, the original painter of Sunsets of Alvariola. When his masterpiece was complete, he anonymously handed it to a Salvan Doricello expert, who remarked that the painting was the most brilliant discovery of Doricello at the time. Five years after this scene, Hans van Meegeren would be caught in a national war crime, which put his name infamy throughout history. Had he devoted the time spent replicating on the his own skills, he might have made a genuine name for himself. Therefore, Meegeren shows that spending ttime to please critics could better be put to personal enrichment.</p>

<p>Likewise, Vince Vaughn, in the 2012 movie Bad Teacher, shows that spending time trying to impress a hot teacher could have better spent on his own improvement. As a gym teacher, Vaughn attemps to impress the hot teacher, Cameron Diaz, by flirting with her, holding open doors, and even doing errands for her; however, Cameron Diaz rejects all of his advances while Vaughn continually attempt to seduce her. In the end, Vaughn becomes himself and stops his advances at Diaz in an act of surrender as Diaz marries another man. Thus, Vaughn shows that time spent pleasing other could better be used in improving his own personal standard.</p>

<p>After careful examination of Vince Vaughn and Meegeren, it indeed becomes apparent that one should focus on one’s own standard instead of pleasing others.

</p>

[dchau503]

<p>I’d give it a 10 out of 12. The examples are the most lacking parts of the essay. The examples of Van Meegeren and Vince Vaughn point out the downfalls of pleasing others, they aren’t too specific of how the two can better spend their time would be better. It’s a pretty strong essay though.</p>

[LoseYourself]

<p>Thank you very much for your insight dchau503. I’m actually quite surprised by your grade for my essay as I thought it was terrible. Oh well… I guess I’m too hard on myself. I really appreciate the fact that you graded my essay, and if you have any spare time, I would really appreciate it (again haha) if you could read another SAT essay I wrote:</p>

<p><a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/1199724-grade-another-essay-please.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/1199724-grade-another-essay-please.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

[LilBallerx8]

<p>I would probably give it an 11, your writing style is really nice and makes me envious lol</p>

[bandgeek1]

<p>8 or 9 (maybe lower see below)
The effect use of vocab really made this essay, and your first example was awesome, but your intro and closer was weak.
You didn’t really use transitions between your paragraphs. You shouldn’t begin a body paragraph with “Likewise,”, you need topic sentences.
Your grammar wasn’t bad, no major errors, a few awkward sentences, but overall pretty good.
Your conclusion was really bad :x It’s the last thing the reader gets out of you and if it’s bad it makes every good thing you did before it seem not as good. It should be a full paragraph summing up the ENTIRE essay, not the last example you chose.</p>

<p>I personally would have had one more example, but it isn’t necessary.
I’m really tough on essays though so don’t feel bad about this, your score on this could be much higher.</p>

[LoseYourself]

<p>^</p>

<p>Yeah, I would agree with your evaluation of my essay the most. I didn’t write a better conclusion because I had no room, not because I had no time left. The first example sucked up WAY too much room.</p>

<p>If you could, please look at my other essay.</p>

[bandgeek1]

<p>It was a really great example though, very unique.</p>

[LilBallerx8]

<p>oh **** I didnt even read the intro/conclusion. Yeah that changes things lol. 9-10</p>

[computers65]

<p>Hi LoseYourself. </p>

<p>I woul give you a 9-10</p>

<p>I feel like there was a few problems with the essay itself. Just by looking at the general structure of the essay, the introduction and conclusion seemed extremely short, as some people previously discussed. You had some great info on you first body paragraph on the work of Meegeren. Your details certainly show adecquate understanding of your point. What i feel is lacking, though, is the lack of connection to your introduction. Your should constantly tie back to your main theme. “Are you trying to prove a point?” “Are you trying to refute the opposing statement?” How did he please others my merely imitating genii’s works? Couldn’t it be said that he IS actually to reach his standards of improving his skills and reaching the level of the master artists he copied. </p>

<p>Your second body paragraph is also lacking the connection to the introduction. But i think you chose a good movie for the second par., for, it is a funny new movie that many people in America has watched. </p>

<p>Thnx for grading my essay for me.
<a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/1199145-grade-my-essay-i-can-grade-yours.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/1199145-grade-my-essay-i-can-grade-yours.html&lt;/a&gt;
I would appreciate it though if you could give me some insight to why you gave me the 10 or higher, as i would really like to improve how i write for the upcoming SAT.</p>

[GoodJobBro]

<p>Great Essay ! I’d give 9-10 / 12
I would have used an example of Jay Gatsby because that’s another piece of literature but that’s just me!</p>