Grade my Essay?

<p>Hey CCers. I'd really appreciate it if you could give me a hand here. This is my second essay I've written and I need a couple tips on how to improve it.</p>

<p>If you guys could leave me some extra tips on these, I'd be eternally grateful.
- Transitions (this one's big. I've never been good at transitions)
- Word choice
- Structure
- Length (as in, how do I make my essay as long as possible without making it redundant?)</p>

<p>Here's the essay!</p>

<p>A young girl, no older than the mere age of fifteen, trudges along the empty hallway, her eyelids heavy with sleep. She stifles a yawn as she enters her next class: AP Chemistry. As her figure drops into the empty seat, a wave of laziness takes over her. She knows that it is a difficult class and she knows that this stuff is going to be on the final exam. With a disgruntled sigh, her eyelids droop and everything is black.</p>

<p>School has many purposes but the undoubtedly predominant one is to help students learn. School is for teaching students both the basic and not-so-basic fundamentals to get you into college. It is a vital part of one’s life. But what’s the point of going to school is you can’t even focus? What’s the point of taking rigorous honors classes if you can even stay awake during the lectures? When students don’t get enough sleep, they are going to make up for it in some way. Some may resort to heavily caffeinated drinks whereas others sleep at other convenient times—a. k. a. during those boring yet crucial classes.</p>

<p>Take me for example. I’m a fairly good student. I listen, take notes and ace pop quizzes—for the most part, that is. I go to bed around 10 (after I’ve finished all my homework, extracurriculars and dinner) but I fall asleep around 11-12. I wake up at six which gives me an average of 6-7 hours of sleep. According to studies, the average teen needs 10 hours to sleep. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that I, along with a hundred other teens nationwide, do not get enough sleep. This results in sluggishness of epic proportions during the first two or three classes.</p>

<p>However, fast forward a couple days to our school’s first two hour delay of the year. Instead of waking up at six, I wake up at 8, giving me a total of 8-9 hours of blissful sleep. Those two hours make all the difference for me. During that day, I feel fresh, alert and ready to learn. No longer do my eyelids feel like they weigh a ton.</p>

<p>Some will disagree with my stance. They’ll say something about how kids should go to bed early. What they forget, though, is that a lot of people can’t. I have a friend who has a legitimate sleeping problem. It doesn’t matter whether she goes to sleep at 6PM or 11PM, until the clock strikes midnight, she just can’t sleep! I have another friend too. He’s in the varsity football team, he has a job and he’s currently enrolled in several AP classes. By the time he’s done with his homework, practice and work, it’s already eleven o’ clock. Another thing that seems to be highly overlooked is how different youth is now. You don’t hear about afternoon parties ever. It’s always Thursday evening or Sunday night. Teen social life in the 21st century revolves heavily around night time. It’s just how it is. If someone were to fall asleep at eight every day, they would miss everything from parties to school sponsored events like prom of football games (which tend to last till 10PM, minimum). This causes people to lose sleep and they pay for it the next day. </p>

<p>As I stated before, I think starting school a few hours later would be beneficial in the long run. As Johnathan James once said, “what’s the point in going to school if you are unable to pay attention?”</p>

<p>Thanks!</p>

<p>I'm interested in grading but I don't want to start until I know the prompt. Othrwise, I might not "see" the essay as I would have had I known the prompt.</p>

<p>Oh shoot, see I knew I was forgetting something! </p>

<p>My bad, here's the prompt: </p>

<p>Some high school administrators debate whether to begin the school day several hours later in the morning, even though this would result in a later end to the school day. Some administrators support this schedule change because they think most teenagers are alert later in the morning. Other administrators do not support this change because they think it would limit students' opportunities to work or participate in extracurricular activities after school. In your opinion, should high schools begin the school day several hours later in the morning? In your essay, take a position on this question. You may write about either one of the two points of view given, or you may present a different point of view on this question. Use specific reasons and examples to support your position.</p>

<ol>
<li>I don't like the "you's" in th eseond paragraph. Maybe use "one" to seem more formal.</li>
<li>From your first 2 paragraphs, I can tell what your stance is...but I had to infer to figure it out. You never gave a clear thesis statement explicitly stating your opinion which is something all SAT/ACT graders are looking for. It gives clarity and imprints your opinion into the reader's mind.</li>
<li>In the fifth paragraph, you talk about someone with a sleeping disorder. The fact is, most people do not have this disorder and, thus, makes this argument very weak.</li>
<li>For your points about the friend and the nightlife, there is little analysis. You bring up your stance, but you don't really analyze and prove to us why you are right. "Why is missing aprties bad?" "How are they going to pay the next day?" "How will starting two hours later help your friend with the disorder?"</li>
<li>Last paragraph. Dont use "I think". It makes you sound unsure.</li>
<li>I like the fact that you ahve specific examples. That's always good.</li>
<li>Bringing up an opposing viewpoint is also good. It give your essay good dimension.</li>
<li>It wasn't a glaring problem, but more fluid transitions would be nice instead of "however". Try "Although" phrases as dependant clauses to lead into pragraphs.</li>
</ol>

<p>All in all, not bad. I would give this 8/12</p>