Grade My Essay

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
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<p>This my unedited essay. I got a 6 out 12 last month in the SAT so I really need to improve. Please free to comment.</p>

<p>Excerpt</p>

<p>“I have been gravely disappointed with the….moderate who is more devoted to “order” than to justice; who prefers a negative peace which is a absence of tension to a positive peace which is the presence of justice…Shallow understanding from people of good will is more frustrating than absolute misunderstanding from people of ill will. Lukewarm acceptance is much more bewildering than outright rejection.”</p>

<p>Excerpted from Martin Luther King</p>

<p>Assignment: Are there certain kinds of peace that are unacceptable?</p>

<p>Essay:
When we stand aside without acting against the injustice and the wrongs being done right in front of us for the sake of preserving peace, such peace that is preserved becomes meaningless and unacceptable. When we allow the rights of people to be violated simply in order to preserve the existing peace and order, the meaning of peace that ensues becomes utterly distorted in the process.
In China, general peace and order seem to abound throughout the country, but in truth many Chinese citizens force themselves to suffer in silence under a tyrannical government, and they have to sacrifice their personal freedom in the process of the preserving the existing peace. For example, the tyrannical Communist government has broadcasted distorted ideologies of having to control the freedom of speech to preserve the general order of peace by reducing the emergences of dissidents. Anyone who dares to voice out against the corrupt practice of the government is a branded a dissident and a threat to the country’s peace. Immediately, this citizen who tried to exercise his right to free speech will be imprisoned for many years for daring to disturb the country’s order of peace. Thus, the peace that is preserved in China is unacceptable because such peace is a result of blatant violation of human rights in that country.
In the South East Asian region, many countries refused to speak out and act against the tyrannies of the Burmese government against the citizens of Burma because they simply wanted to preserve the peace and harmony in that region. The neighboring countries of Burma did not want to get in the middle of the internal affairs of that country because they wanted to maintain good and peaceful relationship with Burma. Thus, for the sake of preserving peace, they stood by and allowed the massacre of countless innocent citizens of Burma in the hand of the cruel Burmese military. The peace that results from allowing the senseless killing of the innocents is not only totally unacceptable, but also utterly deplorable and should be rejected straight away.
While seeking peace is justifiable, if violence and violation of human rights are used to achieve peace, such peace should be rejected straightaway and branded unacceptable. Thus, laws that are put into place to preserve peace and order should also ensure human rights are not breached in the process of preserving peace to ensure that the peace is acceptable to every segment of the society.</p>

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<p>bump…bump…I know it is kind of boring to read my essay but if u guys can help out to give any opinion, I will appreciate it.</p>

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<p>Introduction: It sounds like you repeat the same thing twice.
Body paragraph 1: To summarize, you said that many people suffer in order to preserve the current order. Then you say, “Thus, the peace that is preserved in China is unacceptable because such peace is a result of blatant violation of human rights in that country.”</p>

<p>Okay, in order to show you what is going wrong with your essay, read the prompt again: </p>

<p>“Are there certain kinds of peace that are unacceptable?”</p>

<p>It sounds like your initial reaction is “Yes! There are! For one, look at what’s happening in China.”</p>

<p>But here’s where your thinking process, which ultimately leads to your essay, went wrong. The prompt is so bland. “Are there certain kinds of peace that are unacceptable.” The thesis that is expected is “There are certain kinds of peace that are unacceptable.” But what does “unacceptable” even mean? My definition of unacceptable isn’t necessarily yours. Unacceptable to what? To humanity? To progress? The fact that Chinese citizens have to suppress their thoughts in order to preserve the order, supposedly, is unacceptable to what? That’s what I think about when I read the statement: “Thus, the peace that is preserved in China is unacceptable because such peace is a result of blatant violation of human rights in that country.” Your argument runs like this: In China, people have to suppress themselves to preserve the general peace. Therefore this is unacceptable. </p>

<p>Huh?
After all, I might accept what you said was unacceptable!</p>

<p>Okay, so what was your thesis? “When we stand aside without acting against the injustice and the wrongs being done right in front of us for the sake of preserving peace, such peace that is preserved becomes meaningless and unacceptable.” But you don’t PROVE that in your essay? You give an example and say that it’s unacceptable. But what makes it unacceptable? Why is it unacceptable? How do you even define the word unacceptable? And does everyone think that what you think is unacceptable actually is unacceptable? For example, a lot of people felt that the “peace” of 1950’s America was acceptable!</p>