Grade my essay?

<p>Simplified Prompt: What motivates people to change?</p>

<p>Essay (with typos and mistakes and some Bush-hating):</p>

<p>Ever since the dawn of time and the creation of life, change has been happening. Life started out as single-celled prokaryotes and changed into multi-cell eukaryotes and changed into the diverse species of plants and animals we have today on earth. Change is an essential part of life. As shown in the rise of Hitler in post-World War One (WWI) Germany and the election of Barack Obama to the position of President of the United States in 2008, the most prevalent cause for people to change is the appearance of setbacks.</p>

<p>On November 11, 1914, Archduke Franz Ferdinand of Austria-Hungary was brutally assassinated by Gavrilo Princip in Sarajevo. This event sparked a war unlike any other in the past–WWI. Austria-Hungary immediately looked to a powerful, almighty Germany for help, which Germany gave. German general Otto von Bismarck had brought Germany to prominence with his military conquests and made Germany into a power to be feared. Going into WWI, the Germans–from the leader, Kaiser Wilhelm II to the poorer citizens in Hamburg, Munich, and Berlin–were confident that a swift victory would come and make Germany even stronger. However, that was not the case. Germany lost, and the draconian Treaty of Versailles imposed such strict punishment that Germany had never endured such a setback in its history. Morale was low, especially among the normal citizens, on whom rampant hyperinflation had caused havoc. The new democratic government was weak; the Weimar Republic could not do anything. These seemingly insurmountable setbacks caused a change that would have been unfathomable any other time, a change cheered on by Germans rich, middle-class, and poor, a change that gave Adolf Hitler full power over Germany. Even now, many people worldwide–even Germans–cannot understand why Hitler was given power. However, the setbacks from the German defeat in WWI were so terrible that the citizens would do anything for change.</p>

<p>More recently, the United States of America (USA) named Barack Obama its President–its first African-American president. Only a century and a half removed from a time when African-Americans were slaves, this sudden change from the status quo surprised a good deal of foreigners and many Americans, too. On the surface, an abrupt departure from the “tradition” of white Presidents would render many incredulous and speechless. However, under George W. Bush, the 43rd President, America suffered a terrorist attack. America poured billions of dollars into an unwinnable war. America allowed thousands of needless deaths in the Middle East. America began going into the toughest economic times since the Great Depression of the 1940s. These tremendous setbacks caused a loss of trust in the Republican Party and a steep drop in morale. When the 2008 elections came, the setbacks under George W. Bush served as a catalyst that spurred Americans to elect a black Democrat to the Oval Office for the first time in history.</p>

<p>Setbacks and bad times are what motivate people to change. When people are happy, they don’t feel a need to change anything. After all, the old American saying goes, “Why fix something that ain’t broke?” However, when something is “broke,” it must–and will undoubetdly be–fixed through change.</p>

<p>12/12
Excellent</p>

<p>The word “changed” is redundant in the opening.
“evolved” is a nice word to use.</p>

<p>Your essay is well written that’s for sure ;]</p>

<p>I’d also give a perfect score</p>

<p>“America suffered a terrorist attack. America poured billions of dollars into an unwinnable war. America allowed thousands of needless deaths in the Middle East. America began going into the toughest economic times since the Great Depression of the 1940s”</p>

<p>wut?</p>

<p>Tentative 12.</p>

<p>Honestly, I’m shocked to see the high scores being given; this was my first-ever essay.</p>

<p>xxsleepyheadxx, I repeated the word changed in the first paragraph several times since the prompt specifically mentioned change, so I thought using the word repeatedly would be appropriate.</p>

<p>Mikethechimp, praising Bush wouldn’t exactly support the whole “setbacks cause change” thesis I have. But, the terrorist attack is 9/11, the unwinnable war is the whole Middle East conflict, the needless deaths are the deaths of soldiers and civilians in the Middle East, and the though economic times are what we’re suffering from right now. IDK, I think it fits my thesis rather well.</p>

<p>Any other opinions? Thanks for all the feedback so far.</p>

<p>I would say this essay is somewhere between 10 and 11. </p>

<p>One thing though. In your opening paragraph you keep repeating the word ‘change,’ which I realize was intentional (you were trying to emphasis your point), but I think that a variety of vocabulary would benefit you more. Basically, don’t keep repeating the same word over and over.</p>

<p>^^No, I pointed it out because you repeated the word ‘America’ and didn’t combine sentences when you could have, resulting in poor prose. Here’s one fix for a guaranteed 12: “America suffered a terrorist attack. In retribution, billions of dollars were poured a futile war which caused thousands of needless deaths and contributed to one of the toughest economic times since the Great Depression of the 1940s.”</p>

<p>^I repeated the word America for a type of effect that ingrains the idea that bad things happened to the collective group called “America” and in turn, caused major change. I believe I did the same in my paragraph about the Germans wanting change:</p>

<p>

</p>

<p>The parallel sentence structure (America+verb+effect) and the brevity of each sentence is done for effect. I’m not sure if the reader would appreciate such an effect or if he/she would think, “What the f*** is this kid doing? Doesn’t he know to combine sentences?”</p>

<p>^Just felt to me like rhetoric turned into poor prose. It’s definitely not common to put short sentences together for that increasing sound effect you do in speech. Readers may watch out for things of this type, because they show the writer has not enough writing experience and is forced to use oral mechanics in text. Could be the difference between 5 and 6.</p>

<p>Here are synonyms for the word ‘change’: advance, development, difference, evolution, distortion, diversification, diversity, innovation, metamorphosis, modification, modulation, mutation, novelty, permutation, reconstruction, refinement, remodeling, reversal, revision, revolution, shift, surrogate, switch, tempering, transformation, transition, transmutation, turnover, variance, variation, variety, vicissitude</p>

<p>Notice the variety in literal meanings. Some of them fit a lot better where you just vaguely put ‘change’. For example: “Life started out as single-celled prokaryotes and [diversified] into multi-cell eukaryotes which further [evolved] into the species of plants and animals we have today on earth.”</p>

<p>OK then. I’ll try not to write like a lawyer (I’m on Mock Trial, so I hear opening statements and closing arguments A LOT).</p>

<p>very good essay 6/6</p>

<p>please score this essay <a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/981838-can-you-score-my-sat-essay-please.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/981838-can-you-score-my-sat-essay-please.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>Anybody else?</p>