<p>Can someone please grade this essay on a 1-12 scale? Any feedback is also appreciated!
The essay does have some grammatical errors, but I think that they are minimal. Also, is taking this pessimistic stance a bad idea on the real SAT?</p>
<p>Prompt:
A mistakenly cynical view of human behavior holds that people are primarily driven by selfish motives: the desire for wealth, for power, or for fame. Yet history gives us many examples of individuals who have sacrificed their own welfare for a cause or a principle that they regarded as more important than their own lives. Conscience––that powerful inner voice that tells us what is right and what is wrong––can be a more compelling force than money, power, or fame.</p>
<p>Assignment: Is conscience a more powerful motivator than money, fame, or power? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.</p>
<p>Susan Plyte once said, “Power and Greed are the true drivers of humanity.” Too often, money and power trumped conscience in terms of importance for the human race. Indeed, greed and power more powerfully motivates people than conscience. A myriad of literary, scientific, and historical examples substantiate this concept.
Madame Bovary by Gustave Flaubert serves as a compelling illustration of the power of avarice. In the novel, Emma Bovary, unsatisfied with her convent lifestyle, marries Charles Bovary in order to live a more luxurious lifestyle. She eventually grows to become unsatisfied with Charles and has numerous affairs in the hopes of gaining a more ostentatious life. However, in the end, the affairs end and she commits suicide. This novel shows the power of greed as Emma had cheated on her husband due to her cupidity.
A study conducted by the University of Georgia in 2010 additionally exemplifies the motivation of greed and power. Professor Justin Williams surveyed several prominent entrepreneurs and businessmen about their thoughts wen making an executive decision. He found that the CEO’s and bosses usually had little regard for people’s jobs or financial stability if it limited potential profit or advancement. Therefore, avarice dominates conscience as the CEO’s did not care of the impact they had on their employees.
The Industrial Revolution finally demonstrates the power of greed over one’s morals. During the eighteenth century, several factories started to grow in England. These factories drove out small family business and forced people to work in terrible factory conditions. The owners would force employees to work long hours in extremely hot and dangerous conditions; in fact, several people lost limbs while working in the factory. The owners paid little attention to these terrible accidents because they did not want to replace their machines because of expense. Thus, profit outweighed the wellbeing of others furthering the point that greed trumps conscience.
Avarice and power eclipse conscience as a motivator for success. These qualities too often are of more importance than the overall wellbeing of others, and it seems that conscience may not have place in humanity’s corrupt hands. </p>
<p>I would give this essay 6/12 (I may be wrong. Don’t panic!), based on the CB rubric. I hope you take my feedback sportively and use it to better develop your writing.</p>
<p>First off there are many errors in your grammar, diction, and spelling. These include
-tense changes throughout the essay (always use present tense for SAT essays!)
-General spelling (Did you spellcheck?)
-Repetition. You used avarice too much and greed too little. Just because you use a slightly advanced word over a conventional one will not get you vocab points. The key here is variation. Use different phrases and words to mean the same thing.
-Plurality. A couple of times you mixed up singular and plural forms of words and made the sentence slightly awkward to read.
-Awkward sentences. Not sure what they’re really called, but when you repetitively used a word or phrase in a sentence, it sounded weird. Make sure you review your essay when you finish.
-Vocab. Do not vomit a thesaurus into your essay, Some sentences seem to have been created to accomodate “vocab words”. If I am wrong, forgive me. Just try to let the words flow, and not seem like you’re writing vocab sentences for English class.</p>
<p>Next, your ideas didn’t really flow well. You stayed within a given structure (which is fine), but you let that structure constrain you. Going from Idea 1 to Idea 2 needs a smooth transition. We were talking about older English literature and then suddenly jumped to 2010! Try to link your ideas in some way.</p>
<p>Don’t say “A myriad of literary, scientific, and historical examples substantiate this concept.” The reader already knows that. That’s the reason why this prompt was created. It really looks like filler, so try to hint at the main ideas of your big points in your introductory paragraph.</p>
<p>Your ideas did not really support your thesis. Your thesis is that greed and power motivate more than conscience. You did not talk anything about Emma’s conscience or even the absence of her conscience. You just briefly showed how she was motivated by greed. The idea was more informational than persuasive. You told me something. You didn’t convince me about anything. Your last 2 ideas were acceptable for your thesis.</p>
<p>Don’t say that this is how this supports my thesis. We know that. That’s why you’re telling us. Prove it through your writing.</p>
<p>All in all, good attempt. Try to add more to your conclusion. Something that says BAM-I-AM-AN-SAT-BOSS. You get what I mean. 
Questions or comments?</p>
<p>They’d probably give you at least an 8 just because of the length and the vocabulary (although it definitely sounds too forced). I’d give it a 9.</p>
<p>@alwayssona </p>
<p>Thanks for the feedback! The essay was a little contrived, I am just a little disappointed with a 6 because my terrible essay in 8th grade received a 9. So hopefully I can work on making it a coherent essay.</p>
<p>@alwayssona
After reviewing your comments a little more in depth, I was wondering if you could elaborate as to your last comment about how this supports my thesis. What part are you specifically talking about?</p>
<p>Also
@ThanksIKnow thanks for your feedback!</p>
<p>Did you fabricate it or did you actually have a study relating to the topic to pull out?</p>
<p>@BassGuitar
I fabricated it. I do Public Forum Debate so I am pretty familiar with studies and can usually throw around terminology to make it seem legit. I didn’t really do it on this essay, but I usually do.</p>
<p>@thebossofbosses Well don’t listen to my score. I don’t know what I’m doing. I only gave you a score bc you asked. I can certainly correct your essay, however I can’t score.</p>
<p>“This novel shows the power of greed as Emma had cheated on her husband due to her cupidity.”
“Therefore, avarice dominates conscience as the CEO’s did not care of the impact they had on their employees.”
“Thus, profit outweighed the wellbeing of others furthering the point that greed trumps conscience.”</p>
<p>These sentences are all saying why your paragraph is directly related to the thesis. We know that. You’re writing the paragraph bc it is related to your essay. So show us. Don’t just say this topic relates to the thesis. Do you get what I mean?</p>
<p>@thebossofbosses Lol nice. I did that on my essay too. Maybe I ought to throw some professional studies in next time instead of making up another fake leader</p>
<p>@alwayssona Yeah I get what you mean. I think it is just habit because that is what I have been taught to do in school, but I will change that for the SAT.</p>
<p>@thebossofbosses That’s okay. Feel free to message me with any questions and good luck! :)</p>
<p>How long is the length on paper? More often than not, if you have two full pages, you will get at least a 10.</p>
<p>@puzzled123 I wrote until the very end. I write slightly bigger than most people so the word count may be lower though. Word says about 350</p>
<p>They won’t count the words. They just think you’re smart if you write two full pages lol. </p>
<p>@puzzled123 lol thanks. Hopefully I can do well on the writing section. I am aiming for a 2300+ in October. Right now at 770-800 in math. 740-760 in CR an my writing is low, usually at 670-690. Hopefully I can improve my score with a higher score on the essay</p>
<p>Good luck! The key is to never get discouraged. I started at a 1700 and got to a 2310 in two months (took the October exam). My writing jumped really fast (took 5 exams in one week and went from 700 to consistent 770+), while CR was the hard one for me. Just know if you practice a lot, it will work out :)</p>