Grade my Practice Essay

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1

<p>I just wrote this practice essay (from the Blue Book) today, and I’d like some feedback/criticism. On a scale of 2-12, what do you think it would receive?
Any feedback is appreciated! :slight_smile: </p>

<pre><code> Prompt: Can Success be Destructive?
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<p>The words “fame” and “fortune” are far too closely intertwined. When people dream of becoming popular and successful, their thoughts rarely wander beyond the glamour of privileged life. Unfortunately, success brings a host of new challenges and daunting responsibilities. The pressures of her successful life are Nastasya Fillipovna’s downfall in Fyodor Dostoevsky’s novel THE IDIOT.</p>

<pre><code>After an unhappy beginning to her childhood, young Nastasya is taken in by a kindly wealthy man. For the rest of her life, Nastasya lives richly; she wants for nothing. Through the course of THE IDIOT, Nastasya lives in a breathtaking suite adorned with gold, jewels, and fine furs. When people visit Nastasya’s apartment, they are blown away by her wealth. To them, she is the epitome of success and happiness; any Russian peasant would kill to live in such a place. But poor Nastasya is not comforted by her wealth. Her life feels as cold and hollow as the ornaments that surround her. She resents how people focus on her extravagant lifestyle, and not HER. Her richness does not satisfy her.

Nastasya is also a talented theatric and dancer; her incredible beauty lands her most of her jobs. She is always presented with multiple job opportunities. It would seem that her natural talent and beauty equal a perfect recipe for her success. Alas, though, Nastasya’s beauty-driven success is more of a curse than a blessing. She is unhappy that her success in theater is largely resultant of her appearance (not so much her character or ability). She feels exploited when her colleagues and acquaintances act artificially towards her, because they usually do so in an attempt to earn a slice of her earnings/career, or, in men’s cases, to become physical with her. Nastasya is weary of the false glory her looks have earned her.

Nastasya’s success as an actress, socialite, and woman eventually cause her breakdown. Her intense schedule, social obligations, constant partying, and empty lifestyle wear her out and leave her soul feeling lost and empty. At the end of THE IDIOT, Nastasya, fed up with her lifestyle, runs away with an abusive lover and, as a result, dies. The pressures of her success were too much for her to bear. She was physically exhausted and spiritually deprived. She abandoned the success that so many blindly long for.

Although success can afford comfort and luxury, it’s couture nature is often a mere illusion. The fictional Nastasya Fillipovna, and even many celebrities to this day, are unfortunate testaments to the hidden pain, hypocrisy, and emptiness behind fame and fortune.
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2

<p>Okay so I would give this a 10. The biggest criticism is you spent a little too much time on one example, when you really should delve deeply into about two examples. Maybe a film or personal example would be good. Also, that prompt just screams for a pop culture example. Lindsay Lohan, anyone? I would just try to be varied as opposed to sticking to one example. But, on the other hand, you’re example is very good. It should be your first, primary example. Then just one more supporting example.</p>

3

<p>I agree with dreams.
It is well written but there is only one example.
The example is great but you should have two examples to be safe.
You can include a fake story about someone fake that you “heard” in the news or you can just barely describe Britney Spears a year ago and Linsay Lohan.</p>

4

<ol>
<li>The first two sentences of your opening paragraph don’t seem to serve any purpose to the overall essay (you make your biggest impression on the grader during the first paragraph, so make it good). Your thesis (“Unfortunately, success brings a host of new challenges and daunting responsibilities”.) doesn’t really directly answer the prompt. It doesn’t directly address the idea of destruction.</li>
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<p>Sometimes one example can work, but usually it doesn’t, and this is one of those cases. While your analysis of the example was good, your whole second paragraph was basically plot summary. While you need to fill in all the space provided for the essay, you need to do it effectively. Your essay should demonstrate a higher level of critical thinking.</p>

<p>Sentence structure, variation, and vocab seems to be good.</p>