Grade my SAT essay please

<p>If anyone could grade my essay, please do so! My essay is killing my writing score. Thank you!</p>

<p>Topic: Should people take more responsibility for solving problems that affect their communities or the nation in general?</p>

<p>Independence, a word that helped to create the U.S. If we do things ourselves, we will be much better off. That was the original belief of our founding fathers. By being independent, we would solve our own problems, rely on ourselves, and work to the best of our abilities. Following this tradition of independence, individuals should do as much as possible by themselves to solve the problems of the community or even the country. </p>

<p>Individuals can impact a society far more than most people imagine. Martin Luther King Jr. was on person who led millions to solve a problem, racial inequality. Through his speeches and actions, he gained followers eventually changing a scattered movement into one unified clamour for equality. As one person who had a dream, Martin Luther King Jr was a major component to obtaining racial equality in the U.S. </p>

<p>Civil Rights leaders were not the only individuals who solved problems, presidents did too. Franklin Delano Roosevelt created the New Deal programs in 1933 to help end the Great Depression. To achieve this, he had to have a plan, so he created agency after agency, known as the alphabet agencies, to provide relief to the average American, reform the economy, and revitalize businesses to bring prosperity back to the U.S. Almost every bill FDR proposed was approved by Congress to promote a speedy recovery. FDR was also just one person, afflicted by polio, who helped millions of people find jobs, improve the economy, and increase business. </p>

<p>Big name historical figures are not the only ones helping to solve problems. Ordinary citizens do so as well. At my school, the National Honor Society started a recycling program to reduce the amount of waste at our school. The school approved of our plan, so we received TPTA money to help fund our program. Now we have recycle bins in every classroom on campus as well as bottle and cans recycling cans in the hallways and at lunch which collect recyclable trash which we, the Honor Society, take out twice a week on Tuesdays and Thursdays and throw out for Waste Management to collect. By implementing this program, we have estimated that our school will reduce the amount of waste produced by about 18 tons a year. This was all made possible by the work of a few individuals.</p>

<p>Individuals can make a huge impact in a community, so everyone should do their part to solve problems. Every little bit counts. If 100 schools did what our school did then we could save around 1,800 tons of trash a year. That makes a difference. </p>

<p>Independence, a word that helped to create the U.S.

  1. Fragment.
  2. A word can’t create anything; it’s a word.
  3. I don’t think independence is really what the question’s asking. It’s asking about RESPONSIBILITY, not being free from something.</p>

<p>Martin Luther King Jr. was on person who led millions to solve a problem, racial inequality.

  1. On person?
  2. problem: racial inequality. (not a comma.) And he didn’t really end up “solving” it.</p>

<p>Through his speeches and actions, he gained followers eventually changing a scattered movement into one unified clamour for equality.
This paragraph is only three sentences long, and it’s SO VAGUE. What did he actually do? Are you just name-dropping him because he’s famous?</p>

<p>Civil Rights leaders were not the only individuals who solved problems, presidents did too.
Run-on sentence.</p>

<p>To achieve this, he had to have a plan, so he created agency after agency, known as the alphabet agencies, to provide relief to the average American, reform the economy, and revitalize businesses to bring prosperity back to the U.S.
Long and grammatically convoluted.</p>

<p>afflicted by polio,
Irrelevant.</p>

<p>Big name historical figures
This is cringey</p>

<p>Now we have recycle bins in every classroom on campus as well as bottle and cans recycling cans in the hallways and at lunch which collect recyclable trash which we, the Honor Society, take out twice a week on Tuesdays and Thursdays and throw out for Waste Management to collect.
Long and grammatically convoluted. If you decide to keep this as one sentence (which you probably shouldn’t), take out some details. Who cares what days you use to take out the trash???</p>

<p>we have estimated that our school will reduce the amount of waste produced by about 18 tons a year.
I don’t know if I can trust “we” to make an accurate prediction–sounds sketchy. Could rephrase as “our school expects to reduce the amount of waste produced…”</p>

<p>Individuals can make a huge impact in a community, so everyone should do their part to solve problems.
You finally get around to making your point. The previous three paragraphs just talked about historical/personal examples; they didn’t emphasize why these examples actually matter. They matter because you’re saying that these people took initiative and responsibility for their community’s problems. But you didn’t SAY that.</p>

<p>Every little bit counts.
Cliché.</p>

<p>If 100 schools did what our school did then we could save around 1,800 tons of trash a year.
Are we just ignoring your other two examples, or is this a plug for your recycling program?</p>

<p>Overall, formulate a better thesis that specifically addresses the question being asked, and relate your examples back to that thesis in each paragraph and in the conclusion. Three vague sentences does not a paragraph make. Relevant details are the spice of life (and irrelevant details, such as “We take out the trash on Tuesdays and Thursdays,” make the reader go, “What?”). Good luck!</p>

<p>Thanks for the feedback! I’ll try to keep out the irrelevant stuff and put in more analysis. </p>