Grade my SAT essay please

Test Preparation
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Prompt: Do people accomplish more when they are allowed to do things their own way?

Essay:

In some environments, people are forced to do things in a specific way, which they may or may not enjoy. In others, they are allowed the freedom to make their own choices, and do things their own way. It is in these environments that people accomplish the most. This is illustrated through the differences between the free market and communist markets, the advantages of open curriculums and the different kinds of intelligences documented by psychologists.

In a free market, people make their own choices about what to buy and where to work, and firms decide who to hire and what to sell. In a communist market, the government decides these things.Although communist markets are more equitable, free markets are more efficient. This means that each person accomplishes more, and that they do this because they are given the freedom to work how, and where they desire. The per capita income in free market countries is much higher that that in totalitarian countries. In the market, poeple accomplish more when they are given the freedom to do things their own way.

Many colleges offer open curriculum, allowing students to create their own curricular requirements. These colleges are often liberal schools that believe that the student knows what he/she should study better than the colleges themselves. Students in these programs can pursue their own interests to the greatest extent possible. This gives students the most freedom possible, and allows them to accomplish as much as possible in their field of study.

Finally, psychologists recognize that there are different kinds of intelligence, from kinesthetic to emotional. Since everyone is intelligent in a different way, each person will also accomplish the most in a different way. Kinesthetically intelligent people will accomplish the most by doing, while logically intelligent people will accomplish the most by thinking. These different approaches should be embraced, because they clearly allow each person to succeed to the best of their ability.

People don’t accomplish very much when they are forced to do things according to someone else’s strict rules. They accomplish the most, and reach their full level of achievement when they do things their own way, as evidenced by the difference in efficiency between free markets and communist markets, the merits of open curriculums and the different intelligences that people exhibit.

Thanks!

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You should transition more fluidly between your body paragraphs. Your 1st body paragraph answers the prompt directly, clearly, and efficiently. Your 2nd body paragraph, while on point, doesn’t actually “show” that an open college curriculum necessarily leads to greater accomplishments or more of them. No concrete examples provided. Your 3rd paragraph, while intelligent and obscure (in a good way), is based on assumption rather than concretion, and it has a tenuous connection to the prompt. You assert that respecting or allowing different kinds of intelligences to flourish will result in people accomplishing more, but you don’t actually show us when or how this occurs. But you do say “why” - which is good. You have a few errors here and there - nothing that disrupts the meaning of your points. You have unique topics. Not enough concrete evidence however. And your conclusion is merely a summary of your main points. I would say 9 or 10 at most. But I’d rather be more severe here.

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Thank you for your comments.
What should I be doing differently for my conclusion?
And for the second and third body paragraphs, your saying that I need more hard data (as in studies or experiments that would prove my point)?