Grade my SAT Essay

[jubiepie]

Assignment: Can there be something beneficial to suffering great hardships? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support you position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.

Hardships are evident in everyday life, whether we choose to acknowledge them or not. However, the true question is not if hardship exists but rather how we choose to approach sufferings. Adversity can be beneficial only if we choose to face it with courage and discipline, as demonstrated by Achilles and Hector in the Iliad.

Achilles is not the true hero of the Iliad, because in the face of hardship, he becomes selfish and vengeful. In the beginning, Achilles leads the Greeks as they defeat Troy. However, upon learning that his best friend Patroclus, was killed in battle by Hector, he forgets his duty as a warrior to keep fighting and lead the Greeks to victory. Instead, he cowardly withdraws, crying to his mother about the death of his friend without much concern of the welfare of his mother. He focuses solely on his misery, which then turns into thoughts of revenge. Leaving his mother, Achilles seeks vengeance, going directly toward Troy to find Hector. While having Hector under his control, Achilles listens as Hector begs, not for his life, but for his family and city. Hector pleads that the Trojans be able to properly mourn their beloved prince. However, Achilles shows no mercy, dragging Hector’s body by the ankles behind his chariot while the citizens of Troy watch. Thus, Achilles demonstrates no heroic attributes in the face of adversity.

Some may even say that Hector is the actual hero of the Iliad, because he retains his bravery and his discipline in the face of Troy’s downfall. Despite the pleading of his wife, Hector remembers his duty as a prince and warrior of Troy. He tells his wife that he cannot be cowardly by staying with his family behind the walls. When he ventures outside the walls and is attacked by Achilles, Hector always has his family’s and Troy’s best interest in mind. He gives up his kleos by begging Achilles to let Troy mourn its beloved prince properly. Therefore, Hector, not Achilles, is the true hero of the Iliad.

Thus, hardship is not always beneficial. The outcome of hardship is dependent upon the character of the person.

[Woandering]

Organization: 5.
Thesis: 6. To ensure that 6, it would be better to phrase the thesis something along the lines of “Since facing adversity with courage and discipline is akin to being heroic, adversity can be beneficial.” This thesis provides a clear reason for your key statement that adversity is beneficial.
Supporting details: 4. Both examples could be clearer.
Diction: 4
Grammar: 5

Overall a 9-10/12

[merlion]

I would give you a 4 out of 6, so about a 7-8 on 12.

I feel like your essay would be a very interesting traditional high-school essay, where you really have to give an interesting thesis and explore it.

Your thesis, “Adversity can be beneficial only if we choose to face it with courage and discipline, as demonstrated by Achilles and Hector in the Iliad”, is unclear. Every SAT Essay prompt is a yes/no question, and you should answer in kind. Don’t muddle the reader in “only if”. Give one strong point of view in your thesis and stick to it.

Don’t try to defend both sides. Here, you use the example of Achilles to say that hardship is not beneficial, and then you use a counter-example, Hector, to say the opposite. Stick to yes or no.

I thought that your examples and thesis weren’t well suited to the SAT, even though it’s a very interesting point of view on its own.

Structurally, the essay is very good. You have the Intro-Thesis-Examples-Conclusion structure down, and you make sure to circle back to your thesis and really connect your examples to it.

Your grammar is good, diction could be a little better (lots of word repetitions, awkward phrasings). Among other things, I would have defined kleos, because the grader might not know what it is and they don’t have time to look it up.

In conclusion, you have a structurally sound, well written essay with a very interesting thesis; it just isn’t suited to the SAT.

[clpony7]

Good compare and contrast example, but I agree with merlion that your thesis should be a yes or no answer. Could someone also grade my essay on the same prompt, as well, please? I think my essay has the same problem too, though? I haven’t written one in a while so it’s ridiculously short.

Great hardships endured are a lesson learned, patience gained, and experience acquired. One could think of hradships as tests administered by life-- if you pass, you advance to the next level.

Hardships are challenges, and there’s two ways one can respond to a challenge: one can face it or one can give up. The result of each is known to us as an irrefutible law of the universe. If one gives up, nothing is gained. If one boldly overcomes the hardship, he gains strength.

Take, for example, Thomas Edison and his inventing the incandescent lightbulb. Edison’s invention was a product of his genius, yet he never would have been able to realize his goals if he had not persevered in his cause. Edison’s long years of trial and error, experimenting with thousands of different materialls, and unrelenting determination are what allowed him to overcome predicaments. As a result, look around you, we reap the benefits of Edison’s work.

“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” people always say. Well, they’re right. Life without hardships just wouldn’t be life; and oftentimes a hardship is a path to great gain.