Grade my WR essay?

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>I used this guide for the format <a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/645763-how-write-12-essay-just-10-days.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/645763-how-write-12-essay-just-10-days.html&lt;/a&gt; This is also my first essay, I’m just copying it from the blue book. Contains mistakes (word for word, letter for letter).</p>

<p>PROMPT:
Should people take more responsibility for solving problems that affect their communities or the nation in general? </p>

<p>ESSAY:</p>

<p>People should take responsibility for renovating their communities because otherwise, people would never be able to stand up for themselves and change will never occur. Several examples from modern and historical events prove that taking responsibility and taking action are vital to a communities success.</p>

<p>In the 1920s, Charlie Chaplin delivered many “Four-Minute” speeches in order to inspire US citizens to take action for their country. Chaplin integrated reaching humanity in his speeches so that people would be able to believe their own actions could conclude as progressful. Although the US was in a time period between WWI and WWII, where many national level conflicts were resuming, the US economy and national status grew exponentially because of women joining the workforce to help, the US commonplace citizens becoming white-collar workers, and much more. Without the millions of Four-Minute speeches delivered by Chaplin and other Four-Minute Men, the US would not have grown as it did during the 1920s.</p>

<p>In India, Mahatma Ghandi inspired his fellow citizens of India to display civil disobedience against the British during the Amritsar Massacre. Had the citizens not united together to supress the British soldiers’ immoral actions, India would never have gained independence from Britain. Ghandi’s actions of uniting Indian citizens together, India would never have gained independence from Britain because of their passivity.</p>

<p>Last September of 2011, strikes against the US government were initiated, named as the Occupy Movement. Members of the Occupy Movement protested without violence for what they foresaw was a corruption of the police in the US. Many police officers began to contemplate their attitude towards the protesters, and their fixation has to occur under the pressure of the protesters. [didn’t have time to analyze much here]</p>

<p>Through examples of Charlie Chaplin’s Four-Minute speeches, Ghandi’s leading of civil disobedience, and today’s Occupy protesters, it is shown that peoples’ actions of responsibilities toward their community indeed prove as benificial towards their community.</p>

<p>LENGTH: less than half a page left.</p>

2

<p>8/12</p>

<p>Try to fill up every single line on the 2 pages :).</p>

<p>Nice try, but your language is too mediocre. I find your vocabulary level to be too basic, and your writing too confusing.</p>

<p>Your thesis is weak because it is too vague. I still can’t see a link between “renovating one’s community” and “stand up for themselves and change will never occur”. I also don’t see how “change will never occur” is an important issue.</p>

<p>You are also wandering off topic in your examples. Stick to explaining why these examples support your thesis. For example, in your Chaplin paragraph:</p>

<p>“Although the US was in a time period between WWI and WWII, where many national level conflicts were resuming, the US economy and national status grew exponentially because of women joining the workforce to help, the US commonplace citizens becoming white-collar workers, and much more.”</p>

<p>This is off-topic. Your example is on Chaplin, not the US in 1920. With that being said, you should say something like “Chaplin’s speech motivated people to contribute more to society” or anything along the line to “show the positive effect of Chaplin’s speech”.</p>

<p>Secondly, there are several awkward sentences in your essay, eg:Ghandi’s actions of uniting Indian citizens together, India would never have gained independence from Britain because of their passivity.</p>

<p>Awkward wording in conclusion. </p>

<p>Try to write clear, simple sentences. Throw in a few conjunctions to join closely related sentences. When you try to use complex structures, you run the risk of creating fragments, awkward wording sentences. Also be careful with passive voice.</p>

3

<p>I don’t understand. If your thesis is that people should do things that affect their ommunities, then why all your examples show people doing things that affect their nations in general?</p>