<p>8/12</p>
<p>Try to fill up every single line on the 2 pages :).</p>
<p>Nice try, but your language is too mediocre. I find your vocabulary level to be too basic, and your writing too confusing.</p>
<p>Your thesis is weak because it is too vague. I still can’t see a link between “renovating one’s community” and “stand up for themselves and change will never occur”. I also don’t see how “change will never occur” is an important issue.</p>
<p>You are also wandering off topic in your examples. Stick to explaining why these examples support your thesis. For example, in your Chaplin paragraph:</p>
<p>“Although the US was in a time period between WWI and WWII, where many national level conflicts were resuming, the US economy and national status grew exponentially because of women joining the workforce to help, the US commonplace citizens becoming white-collar workers, and much more.”</p>
<p>This is off-topic. Your example is on Chaplin, not the US in 1920. With that being said, you should say something like “Chaplin’s speech motivated people to contribute more to society” or anything along the line to “show the positive effect of Chaplin’s speech”.</p>
<p>Secondly, there are several awkward sentences in your essay, eg:Ghandi’s actions of uniting Indian citizens together, India would never have gained independence from Britain because of their passivity.</p>
<p>Awkward wording in conclusion. </p>
<p>Try to write clear, simple sentences. Throw in a few conjunctions to join closely related sentences. When you try to use complex structures, you run the risk of creating fragments, awkward wording sentences. Also be careful with passive voice.</p>