Please grade my essay. I actually wrote this for a past SAT, but I want to see how you guys grade it. Personally, I don’t like it.
ASSIGNMENT: Is it better to care deeply about something or to remain emotionally detached? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.
Many people believe that people must be emotional to do better work. This is understandable. After all, there are a few outstanding stories about passionate individuals the persisted throughout obstacles. However, in general, It is actually better to remain reserved. Since a clear and rational mind will support better decision-making, it is much better to remain emotionally detached.
Firstly, this concept is portrayed in Warren Buffett’s life. Now famous investor, Buffett once made a few mistakes in his early investing career. For instance, Buffett continues to regret his investment in a small airline company. Spurred by deregulation, many entrepreneurial airline companies entered the market. Both entrepreneurs and investors were excited at the prospect of earning exorbitant sums of money, and Buffett was no different. Spotting a small and relatively cheap airline company, the excited Buffett immediately invested. Unfortunately, soon after The company began to do worse and eventually filed for bankruptcy. Buffett lost all of his investment because he quickly made the decision to the invest based on his emotions. Therefore, it is not beneficial to let emotions affect judgment.
Furthermore, that it is better to remain detached is a common theme exemplified throughout literature. For example, in the Hunger Games, Katniss is distracted by her confusion at her emotions for Peeta. In the first case, just before the start of the game, Katniss catches the eye of Peeta, and she tries to interpret his emotions. Because of this distraction, she is not able to get her silver bow and arrows. Later, Katniss is hiding in a tree when she hears the Careers nearing her tree. While they talked, she did her best to stay still and hidden. However, she was surprised to hear Peeta’s voice join that of the Careers. As a result she swung around the tree branch and almost fell out. Again, kindness is distracted by her feelings for Peeta. Finally, kindness is distracted again when she is running from the Careers. Peeta leaps out of the bush to encourage her to run, but her confusion about Peeta’s true loyalties and her emotions made her hesitate. If Peeta had not pushed her on, this hesitation would have been fatal. Overall, Katniss would have made better decisions cheering her time in the games if she remained emotionally detached and did not care about Peeta.
Finally, this theme is also shown in Harry Potter. In the sixth book, Harry has a vision of Voldemort trapping Sirius, Harry’s godfather. He immediately gathered his friends to go after Voldemort. However, his friends, who are more emotionally detached than Harry, recognizes this as Voldemort’s trick and urges Harry to stay put. Nonetheless, he goes and they follow him. When they arrive, they find out that the vision was indeed an illusion and the rescue attempt was a trap. Harry was too emotionally impacted to make good decisions.
In summary, it is better to remain emotionally reserved that you care deeply about something. This policy will help people make better and more beneficial decisions.
I would give it a 5 out of 6.