Grade this essay please :D.

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>SPOILER ALERT—my answer has a spoiler to The Watchmen graphic novel/movie and Harry Potter series</p>

<p>I did this in 20 minutes as it would be done in the SAT, so forgive the errors. I’m not this bad of a writer, heh. </p>

<h2>Question is from the Blue Book’s Writing practice section. I don’t think the quotes are necessary. </h2>

<h2>Is deception ever justified? </h2>

<p>Deception is sometimes justified, for it can lead to a positive outcome. There are often philosophical debates discussing whether the ends can justify the means. The truth is, it can. The placebo-effect is used to cure patients of many illnesses. The character Ozymandias in “The Watchmen” uses deception to even save the world. Lastly, in Harry Potter, Snape must deceive the Death Eaters to trick them into sparing Harry and saving the world as they knew it. </p>

<p>Statistics verify the usefulness of the placebo-effect. This strategy of giving patients pills filled with nothing but sugar has such a powerful psychological effect on patients that it can actually cure patients altogether. For the process to work properly, doctors must deceive patients by even creating false names for the pills. While ethically grey, this method is allowed world-wide. </p>

<p>In the famous book “The Watchmen” a character must create a faux-alien to save the world from a nuclear disaster. This mechanical “alien” is released on NYC and ends up destroying it along with millions of people. Nevertheless, because the world saw the hardship the U.S.A. was faced with, it united and remained neutral with its weapons. Had Ozymandias not deceived the world into thinking an extraterrestrial force blew up NYC, the U.S.A. could’ve been destroyed regardless.</p>

<p>Snape must deceive the evil Death Eaters into thinking he is on their side, when in fact, he is loyal to Dumbledore and the Order of the Phoenix. This type of undercover work is used by the United States CIA to gain intelligence and defend the U.S. from attacks. </p>

<h2>Therefore, while deceiving might seem wrong, there are always exceptions to the rule. It is up to us to decide whether the use of deception outweighs the moral negatives. More often than one might think, it does. </h2>

<p>X/12</p>

<p>THANKS!!!</p>

2

<p>First off, I just wanted to say that you have a pretty good work ethic… I could never bring myself to do those essays when I was prepping for the SAT since I hate writing :)</p>

<p>This probably gets a 8-9 out of 12. Here are the reasons:

  1. It seems kind of short first off. Try adding details to your examples to bolster your argument.
  2. I’m not sure Harry Potter is a good example. It’s too “pop-culture-y” and I don’t think it aids your essay at all in this case - you talk about Snape for one or two sentences and then talk about the CIA… I’m not sure why you included that at all…
  3. Consider using a hook in your intro. It’s hard but I got it in in my last SAT.</p>

<p>Essentially, you need to make your essay longer by lengthening your paragraphs and giving specific examples. </p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

3

<p>Thanks! My problem was basically time. Otherwise it would’ve been longer and better. After reading it, I think I could’ve replaced the whole Snape point with an in-depth CIA paragraph.</p>

4

<p>I think instead of using 3 examples, it would be best to use 2 examples instead. That way you can prove your point better and go more in-depth. For 20 minutes worth (I thought it was 25 lol) it’s not a bad essay at all.</p>

5

<p>25 minutes!? o wow im dumb. those five minutes could’ve made this essay a lot better, heh. seriously :D</p>

6

<p>I would give it a 7. Reasons:</p>

<ol>
<li><p>Your introduction was decent, but I can clearly see that time stresses you more than most; you started out with an OK first supporting paragraph on the placebo effect, a bad paragraph on the Watchmen, and a terrible paragraph on Harry Potter. </p></li>
<li><p>You used repetitive 'save the world’s. Like what Dark said, I would stay away from pop culture references. In fact, try to stay away from going in detail on your supporting paragraphs altogether. </p></li>
<li><p>Even though it’s true that you can get away with factual errors, it’s not a good idea to depend on them. Your info on placebos and the Watchmen isn’t exactly correct. “book” “character must create a faux-alien to save the world from a nuclear disaster” Most graders are English teachers and I’m sure many have read the Watchmen.</p></li>
<li><p>Starting from “Had Ozymandias…” Huh? Odd grammar usage, then a mixed two sentence paragraph that doesn’t support your thesis that talks about Harry Potter and the CIA?</p></li>
<li><p>Weak conclusion. As I said, time takes its toll on you. My advice to you is to spend less time brainstorming (useless technique) and start writing.</p></li>
</ol>

7

<p>8 - 10. Sentences are awkward, lack of advance vocabulary. Okay examples, but you should link it more to the thesis (In this case, deception triumphs because of its blah blah).</p>

8

<p>post #6, a 7?? u’re kidding me. i didn’t read the whole thing,but i read the intro. i think its at least an 8. there’s no way someone can earn a 3 with that o.o
and brainstorming is useless? well hm. i always thought it’d be neat to spend 2 mins gathering up some convincing examples.
from the length,i’d say u’re gona get an 8</p>

9

<p>“i didn’t read the whole thing”</p>

<p>seriously? I can’t believe you can type that then criticize the grade I gave him after I read the whole thing.</p>

10

<p>while i agree you probably have to read the whole thing, I’ve written worse essays than this on the real SAT and gotten 8 and up…so i think ren is right</p>

11

<p>I think about an 8. It seems painfully formulaic, but you do have 3 examples that you made relative to the prompt, so I’ll give you that. Also, I think you need better transitions or develop each point better, rather than stating each point and then abruptly moving onto the next paragraph. Sorry if that was worded a little to harsh, but it was just constructive criticism :)</p>

12

<p>I would try beginning the essay with a quote or general observation, and stating your thesis in the last sentence of the first paragraph.</p>