Graduate School Roommate and LDR issues

College Life
1

Hi! So I’m 23 (F), my roommate is 27 or 28 (F), and my bf is 25 (M). My roommate and I are both graduate students (I’m a Master’s student and she’s a PhD student), so we’re both high-strung, quiet people. He travels a lot for work (like, he’ll be somewhere for 3 months at a time or more), but is sometimes able to stay with me. This is the first time he’s visited and is staying for a week, and will be leaving in a couple of days. My roommate and I had talked about it a while ago, so she knows that he’ll be visiting occasionally. My boyfriend and I had been trying to be quiet, we don’t have sex when she’s in the house, and we try to stay out of her way. She usually comes home later in the day and works on homework, which she had been doing this week, so I thought that nothing was wrong. Then, last night she asks if she could speak to me privately and talks for 2 hours about how she wants to know when he’s leaving, how she wants to limit the amount of time me and my other roommate (who wasn’t there at the time) have boys in the house, how she thinks that he’s rude because he offered her wine (to be fair, he likes to ramble and said something about how he doesn’t want to be rude which I admit was in poor taste), was mad about how we didn’t invite her to dinner or how he didn’t bring a present for her/the house when he came to visit, how he hasn’t really tried to interact with her. To be fair, it’s apparently her midterms week (which I didn’t know about because she never said anything!), so I’m sure all the stress plus having an extra person in the house isn’t helping her feel any better.

I listened to her and now my boyfriend is just going to stay in my room, be sure to DEFINITELY stay out of her way when she gets home from school. But also he has some continuing education unit (CEU) sessions that he plans on attending in a few weeks, and they’re close to my house so I thought that he could stay with me again. For this, he will be out of the house for the majority of the day, and will only return to sleep.

I really consider myself a good roommate. I’m quiet, I’m out of the house a lot, I organize payments for and make sure that most of the bills are paid on time, I never have people over, and since I’m the only one with a car I give my roommates rides to places if they need it and if my schedule allows. I frankly think I go above and beyond when trying to be attentive to my roommates’ needs.

To add to this, she has a boyfriend who lives abroad that she had also talked to me about having stay for a few months (as long as legally possible). We’d talked about this around the time that I told her that my boyfriend would be visiting a bit later in the semester. I told her that this was ok. But even with us talking all of these things out MONTHS ago, she has made it very clear that she doesn’t want my boyfriend to stay here for his CEUs. I’m probably going to wait until she’s less stressed and check back in about it then, but I think it’s a little hypocritical that she’s ok with having her boyfriend stay for months, and won’t let my boyfriend stay for 2 weeks tops during the semester, and once before I graduate in the spring. I was wondering if anyone had any advice for dealing with my situation. I don’t want to start anything, but I also don’t want to be a doormat!

2

Yeah, if you’ve agreed to let her BF stay, and now she is kvetching about yours, it is out of line. At a minimum, I’d tell her that her BF can’t come for months.

If I were you, I’d review your lease and see what it says. Many leases have rules about how long visitors can stay. You and your BF should stay within those rules, and she and her BF should as well. Let her know that is your position on this going forward. And, of course, ask your BF to be a good guest. If she usually studies in the living room or dining area, he shouldn’t have the TV on or be playing music or something when she is there. If you guys cook something, offer to share.

I admit when I read this, I wondered if maybe she and her BF had split up and she hasn’t told you, and she is lashing out because of that (perceived unfairness of life and all that).

3

Thank you so much for the advice! I really appreciate it! I’ve definitely addressed him being a good house-guest, and am going to be REALLY careful about it going forward. In terms of the lease, I highly doubt that it even mentions anything about houseguests. Our landlords are an older couple, and the house had been passed down to them. The lease is very short and they’re very informal about pretty much everything (they just come and go as they please when it comes to maintenance). Like, if a renting company is a business, this would be like a garage sale. It’s a very informal leaser/lessee situation. If this isn’t on the lease, should I talk to my landlords about it?

4

how she thinks that he’s rude because he offered her wine
(to be fair, he likes to ramble and said something about how he doesn’t want to be rude which I admit was in poor taste),
was mad about how we didn’t invite her to dinner or
how he didn’t bring a present for her/the house when he came to visit,
how he hasn’t really tried to interact with her

So she doesn’t want a boy in the house, but is mad because he didn’t interact with her? I don’t get it.

5

Well, it does sound like maybe he hasn’t been the most considerate houseguest. Like… was she studying for midterms when he offered the wine, and had he been making noise/hanging out where she usually studies beforehand?

I don’t think you are going to get far with the lease option, given your description of your arrangement.

I’d ask her to sit down to chat after midterms, and try to lay out some ground rules for guests. I’d say that it wasn’t just for his visits, but also for her planned visit with her BF coming up. Maybe acknowledge that your BF wasn’t the best houseguest on the last visit, but you’d like to try to figure out how you can both have guests and try to still respect each other’s needs in the apartment.

6

Stress makes people crazy. Little things suddenly become major deals. I would revisit this after midterms.

7

My daughter was in the hospital this fall…I stayed in her apartment at night. I was the ninja visitor. Never much saw her apartment mates. Left the apt. early and came home late.

8

I think none of you should be letting your boyfriends stay for any extended period of time (more than a few days to a week, with ample space between each visit). Often roommates will say “sure, that’s fine” and then not realize how much of a strain it is on the relationships and the household’s resources until it’s already in-progress. Resentment can easily build up when a partner stays over too much.

I think it’s reasonable for your roommate to want to know when visitors - of any kind, but especially ones who are staying overnight - are arriving and leaving. It’s also fair for her to want to limit the amount of time that all the residents have any kinds of visitors, including boyfriends, especially if y’all are grad students. Being in graduate school is hard enough without having to be distracted by a parade of people you don’t know well through your own apartment.

The rest of it seems like weirdness, but that doesn’t invalidate her other concerns.

Frankly, people in long-term/serious relationships and/or who want to have their partners over frequently for extended periods of time should rent their own places. And I say that as someone who’s had a long-term, serious partner all of my adult life, through several roommates. One of the sacrifices you make for the lower rent is reduced control over what goes on in the household and mutual agreement and respect of the space.

And no, don’t talk to your landlords. This isn’t their problem; most landlords have that clause in their lease so if there are problems caused by long-term visitors they can kick them out easily. But this isn’t a landlord issue. This is a roommate relations issue and you need to handle it with your roommates.

9

^ Is on the money when it comes to landlords, but I also think it’s important

For the record, being LDR is a personal problem, and some of the things she expects are unreasonable (and also confusing), but I’m just wondering, did you know they were LDR before you moved in?