Graduated 1 year ago, Didn't like Degree, Don't know what I actually want, Embarrassed

College Majors
1

This is a long one, but I really need help.

I graduated a year ago with a marketing degree with a good deal of communication coursework from a nearby private college. I never knew what I wanted to do in college, so just ended up in marketing thinking it would be a versatile degree, and thinking my actual calling would come to light by the time I was a senior. Well, it didn’t, so I just finished my degree so I could have one being so close. Also during that time, I was toying with changing to a communications major, hence a lot of classes in the area. I also completed an internship with a large regional hospital doing internal communications work, mostly writing. I didn’t end up liking the type of work at the internship.

This whole time, I started to develop a distaste toward marketing. I didn’t feel like I was learning any actually useful knowledge, I decided I was not in the right field, and post-college, none of the job opportunities are remotely attractive. They are all sales, or other similarly monotonous things. I also developed an inferiority complex about it all in my junior year. I felt embarrassed I was in a field deemed easy (which it was at least at my school. Just BSing and easy A classes). I compare myself to people in things like engineering, medicine, hard sciences, math… basically STEM people. And it makes me feel inferior, stupid, and like dirt. It makes me further hate myself than I already do. The whole campaign of commercials for STEM careers hit at a great time to rub it in my face. I have a history of being bullied, and it may have something to do with me letting it get to me.

The whole time I have seriously struggled to determine what field is right for me to be in and what major is right. Without trying anything, I don’t know how I am supposed to know. Laying down a bunch of money to “try” a major after already being a graduate in debt I don’t think is a smart move. It doesn’t help that coursework often is much much different than what the actual job is like. I also started to lean toward a job in a science field. Partly because of my inferior feelings, partly because I used to always love science (Bad experiences in science and math during high school made me think “no more!” at the time. Who likes hard classes?) From 3rd grade, I always thought I wanted to be a meteorologist. I loved the weather and reading about it, and still do. Passing physics with a D and not being close enough to a college that had meteorology (I was very afraid of going to college and wanted to live at home), as well as few job opportunities scratched that idea off the list. Maybe something like chemistry would be for me. Content wise, I found it the most interesting and made the most sense to me in high school. But are there jobs in straight-up chemistry? Maybe something like engineering? My mom always thought I’d be one when I was younger. I honestly don’t know what they do though. And I perceive it as way too hard. It would put to rest my inferiority though, and maybe I really would like it, or at least dislike it as much as my worthless marketing degree.

MEANWHILE, beginning in high school and all the way to the present, my absolute dream job is to be a musician. I want to be in a solo/small group band playing indie and electronic music. This dream has never left me and I keep trying to teach myself post-college on how to produce music. It’s just not going very well because it is very hard. I live in a very “backwards” area when it comes to music so I know nobody who shares the same dream in a similar genre. I am currently in a alternative rock band however, which was quite a blessing. While the music is good, It just isn’t the music that I really truly feel and am excited about. The idea of being a musician is one thing that has not wavered for me. The thought of not achieving this in some form has brought me to tears.

So in addition to being totally lost on what to do as a “real career” kind of job, I hope and pray that I can be a musician so am afraid of even landing a “real job” in fear of it shelving my music dreams. How will I get off work if I need to? Even in my current band, we have had shows 3 weekends in a row. We want to do small tours. How could I do this with a real 9-5 job? On the other hand, it takes years to become successful and live off of your music, if ever. I developed this dream late while in high school and didn’t begin working toward it till maybe half-way through college and only lightly.

I forgot to add that after I graduated college, I was looking for jobs despite not liking my degree. I often tried to stretch my skills and apply to different jobs that aren’t really marketing in scope. Jobs including IT Help Desk (I’ve always been pretty good with computers. No training or anything. Think the field could be something for me), supply chain jobs, and purchasing jobs. Anything to try and side-step out of marketing. I’ve had zero interviews, though I’ve probably only applied to 24 jobs since graduating. Applying as well as getting any sort of reply is mind-numbingly terrifying for me. I feel extremely sick to my stomach after applying and regularly for the next week or two, and if I get any phone calls or emails, my heart begins pounding very hard and my face goes cold. It is a terrible and terrifying experience. It causes me extraordinary anxiety. That and the fact I don’t care for any of the jobs I applied for have stunted and now completely halted my applications for jobs.

Right now, I am working two part-time jobs that are at a high school level. One at a more-so upscale chain restaurant, and the other at a wealthy country club. The two are quickly burning me out as I often go right from one to the other. I wake up between 3-5 a.m. and don’t get home until 7 p.m. This doesn’t leave me any time to work on my true passion of music, let alone figure my entire life out that I’m spilling out here. I could write a lot more, but this can’t get too long. I am extremely depressed, embarrassed with where I am in life, exhausted, and losing any hope of ever being happy. I’m embarrassed even writing this post, but I don’t know where to turn.

2

That’s the good news.

Going to college should be regarded as a privilege. You’re lucky to have had it, even though you feel it didn’t do much for you. It may have done you more good than you know, though. I notice that you’re logical and your writing is quite good.

First off, since I don’t know you, but I do know most Americans aren’t anywhere near as frugal as they could be, I exhort you to be very frugal. It very likely will save you having to work so many hours. I worked at 8-hour a day job at little more than the minimum wage and supported myself and two daughters on it, so I know it can be done. Frugality may be hard to learn at first, but it hugely reduces the money-making burden.

Furthermore, while you are employed, keep applying for jobs. If you widen the variety of jobs you apply for, you may find one you like. If they reject you, it doesn’t matter - you’re still going to be OK.

I don’t think going back to school is called for. The only thing you are clearly interested in is music, but there wouldn’t be justification in spending money to study that. You don’t seem suited for the hard classes of science (“Who likes hard classes?” “Passing physics with a D”) You’ve had the college experience, have in fact gotten a lot out of it, and now you have debt from it to pay.

You may get some amount of money for playing in shows. Both the environments you work in and your major fit with your music activity. They may give you ideas/opportunities for getting more shows set up. Yes, marketing fits. Don’t go on a tour, though, unless the money from it really is good or you know you can get your jobs back.

Life almost never gives people all that they prefer. It’s worth considering that you may get more money playing music that isn’t your favorite but is someone else’s.

3

Could you look for marketing opportunities in the music business? You might have to move to a new city – but go look at the websites of large music companies like Sony, EMC, etc.

4

First of all, it sounds like you are dealing with some issues with depression and anxiety. Can you get help for that? If you have health insurance, your insurance may cover this; if not, you can visit a community clinic. Even if you’re not clinically sick it can be helpful to talk to someone and air out these issues and deal with the emotions so you can move past them.

That said:

  1. Don’t go towards STEM careers just because they are the “hot” field; they aren’t any better than any other field, and something new will always be “hot” in another 5-10 years. Find something you actually like. That said, every STEM company on the planet has a marketing division or some people who work in marketing. If you want to work in tech, think about tech marketing.

  2. You don’t need to follow your passion. Most people don’t work at something they feel passionate about, because many people’s passions either don’t make money or are too competitive to make money - like writing novels or being a musician. Instead, you need to find a job that makes you content and allows you to do the things you find important. For you, for example, finding a flexible 9-5 job that will allow you to pursue your music on the weekends is important. You don’t want an intense job that spills over into your free time. That said, we all have to give up something and shelve some dreams if our dreams are unrealistic OR if we don’t want to put in the effort. Choosing not to pursue a career as a professional musician, and choosing to pursue a regular non-music professional career, doesn’t have to mean giving up music. It just means changing your relationship with music and maybe diminishing the time you spend on it.

  3. Remember that no job is going to be perfect and many people make a series of career moves before they get into a job that feels right for them in most aspects. You said that you didn’t like the internship in marketing you did - what didn’t you like? That doesn’t mean you should give up marketing altogether, only that you didn’t like a specific marketing job. Try again and look for a position that you’re actually qualified for. You may not have found a job yet because one, 24 jobs in one year isn’t enough (that’s an average of 2 jobs per month) and two, you’re applying in fields you aren’t qualified for. You don’t have enough experience yet to make a lateral move - try starting out in marketing, working for some years (2-4, maybe) and then trying to move laterally into a non-marketing role.

5

@intparent gave you a great idea. I was already thinking if you want to be successful in music, the marketing degree will be helpful. This is even a better idea.

Was the marketing degree through a business curriculum? If so, you should have nearly 60 hours. Combined of marketing with economics, finance, accounting, and management. I’m sorry for your experience right now but a broad based business degree will serve you well over time especially when you don’t know what you want to do. Please note, not because of what the diploma says but because of what you learned.