Grandmother showing favoritism; how do I handle this?

Parent Cafe
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<p>Hey all! I have another question for you.</p>

<p>I posted in the “parents caring for parents” thread about my grandfather (dad’s dad.) Now I have a question about my grandMOTHER (mom’s mom.) Mom’s dad and dad’s mom are both no longer with us.</p>

<p>Grandma has always had a somewhat difficult relationship with the rest of the family, to put it mildly. To be fair, she has had things a bit rough; her parents both died before she was a teenager, leaving her and her several siblings orphans, and they got passed around from family member to family member during the Depression. While she’s the family member with money (she’s not wealthy but she’s very financially comfortable), she is VERY frugal (again, probably because of her situation growing up) and doesn’t like to spend money on hardly anything.</p>

<p>She was the family member who, whenever you would tell her what was going on in your life, would immediately say, “Well when I did that X years ago…” she was the expert on everything and had always done it just a little better than you.</p>

<p>Recently, however, something has changed. I started emailing back and forth with her several months ago and she has been nice, genuinely interested in my life, etc.</p>

<p>And the odd part–she has started sending me gifts.</p>

<p>She was always the grandmother who gave odd Christmas/birthday gifts. One year each of us got a beach towel. One year, Swiss Army Knives. Then waffle irons. It just depends.</p>

<p>When I started college, she handed my parents a check for $500. I was floored. Again, she does not spend money like that.</p>

<p>When I was job searching, she sent me another check (not as much money, but still a sizeable amount) for “job search expenses.” </p>

<p>Shortly after I graduated from grad school, she sent me an email saying she had a gift for me but didn’t want to put it in the mail. I didn’t think a lot of it as she is just somewhat odd sometimes (see above.)</p>

<p>When I told her I accepted my job in Colorado, she said she would go ahead and send the gift since I probably wouldn’t get to see her before I left (she lives about a 6 hour drive from my hometown so it is difficult to see her too often.)</p>

<p>The gift arrived on Saturday–a single strand of real pearls and matching earrings. They are absolutely gorgeous but I know they were very expensive (she left the price tag on; whether on purpose or accident I’m not sure.)</p>

<p>She was talking on the phone last night with my mom and was asking what appliances I didn’t have that I would need for my new apartment.</p>

<p>My brother and sister have started making comments about me being the “favorite”, etc. And while I am so thankful that she has finally taken an interest in my life, I do feel guilty that she is spending all this money on me and not my siblings. My parents always did a pretty good job of keeping things equitable between the three of us, so this is very new territory for me and I’m not really sure what to do.</p>

<p>Grandma is difficult because if I tell her anything other than “thank you,” she will think I’m being ungrateful and will completely cut me off. And I have actually enjoyed emailing with her (for an 80yo she’s pretty tech savvy!) and being able to share my life with her.</p>

<p>Sorry this is such a novel, but any advice from anyone? </p>

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<p>How do your siblings know about these gifts? Things are not always equitable among family members, but if possible keep things to yourself. </p>

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<p>^My sister was at home when the pearls arrived. It will be easier to keep it quiet when I move out next week, but it makes me sad that I have to because it is so nice that she has finally taken an interest; just in a different way.</p>

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<p>My mothers mother, also considered me her favorite.
I was her oldest grandchild, but I also was the one who called and visited her, and when H and I started a family, we moved closer to her to help her & my grandpa.</p>

<p>I also felt guilty about the attention, but as I said, I was the one who called and visited.
Your siblings have as much opportunity I bet to improve their relationship if they want.</p>

<p>Just appreciate it & dont try to change her.
I do expect it is making your mother uncomfortable though, especially if she is asking her what you need, but is making a point not to ask about your brother and sister.
In that case, I would tell your mom to tell HER mom, to keep gift giving between you& not make your mom the middleman. There isnt any reason for your siblings to know the extent of her gifts.</p>

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<p>Has your sister achieved the same milestones as you (grad school graduation, job search, new job and relocation)?
Maybe she will do the same when your sibs get to the same point.
My MIL went shopping for appropriate clothes with each of my kids when they reached the job search/interview stage.</p>

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<p>mominva, no; sister is still in school getting her teaching credential and living at home. That’s entirely possible I suppose; she emailed that she went with the pearls because she thought I might need some nicer jewelry now that I’ve “made it.” My brother is much older than me and is already married with a 6yo son, so that is a different situation. They have a decent relationship I think, from what my brother says, but it kinda starts and stops. I have tried to keep it consistent.</p>

<p>EK, I didn’t think about it making my mom uncomfortable. I will talk with her if it happens again, but that was the first time (as far as I know) that they’ve had that particular conversation.</p>

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<p>In our family, the young adults stop getting gifts from some people upon college graduation; others stop gifts when there is a new generation born, as in your nephew would get gifts, but not your brother.</p>

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<p>I agree with the others to not try to change her or say anything other than “Thank you.” I also would keep quiet about it with your siblings. Your sister knows about the pearls, but the money and other things don’t need to be mentioned.
You are showing an interest in her, and started a relationship with her, and she’s responding in her own way. She has no obligation to keep things equal among her adult grandchildren. Some have chosen to know her, and your siblings haven’t made that effort. There’s nothing strange about it, really.<br>
If you and your siblings were still little children, I’d say equality is the only way to go; but you are an adult and you and she now have an adult relationship. If you talk about the gifts, then you’re asking for trouble, but otherwise, enjoy the relationship and know that you are adding a lot of quality to your grandmother’s life by taking the time to talk with and get to know her. It’s a kindness, and something you shouldn’t feel guilty about.</p>

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<p>Mominva, I think she does send things to my nephew sometimes. Good point.</p>

<p>Thank you all for the advice. This is just a big transition from how things used to be. I will keep it quiet from now on…at first I was sharing because it was such a novel thing (“OMG you won’t believe what grandma did”) but I really just don’t want to cause drama.</p>

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<p>I like moon child’s advice. You are all adults now and can understand what is going on. Be discrete.</p>

<p>If she were a millionaire and left it all to you, however…well, I might advise you to share unless you could point to some great benefit you had conferred on granny that the others had not. </p>

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<p>I think part of it is that you are reaching milestones that she is enjoying acknowledging, and she will probably acknowledge the other grandchildren as they reach those milestones as well.</p>

<p>I also think the greater part of it is that you began emailing with your grandmother…and that she is rewarding the interest you have shown in having a relationship with her.</p>

<p>There also is the fact that some people just relate better to “older” children–they have a hard time being close to/being interested in younger children, and find grandchildren a lot more interesting and more capable of a rewarding relationship when they have grown up.</p>