<p>Also, the OP should discuss this with his parents. Believe me, they have been dealing with Grandma far longer than he has, and probably have a good idea of the best approach to take to keep the peace and make GF feel welcomed. If son ever has a similar issue, I really hope he’ll discuss the grandparent thing with me. I have 48 years of experience in how to approach grandma with news she may not be thrilled by.</p>
<p>"I disagree with the “just show up with the gf and let the chips fall where they may,” advice. "</p>
<p>I disagree with this, too, as it would put your girlfriend in a potentially very painful and embarassing situation.</p>
<p>I don’t see any reason to let the GM know about the girlfriend’s race until a situation approaches in which the grandmother will have to meet the girlfriend.</p>
<p>How much do you normally tell GM about your girlfriends? I doubt that you normally give lots of in depth info about girlfriends to your GM. So, I suggest just providing the usual info now without mentioning race.</p>
<p>Only at the point that GM has to meet girlfriend would it be necessary to mention the GF’s race, and then if GM indicates that GM will act in an inappropriate way, you could kindly tell GM that behavior wouldn’t be acceptable to you, and you could ask her to be polite to your girlfriend. If GM refuses to do that, then you and girlfriend could avoid the gathering or you could go alone.</p>
<p>Also, do let girlfriend know about any potential problems before putting her in a position in which GM might be present. Give your GF the opportunity to opt out of that situation.</p>
<p>Right now,your relationship is in its early stages. It may be that if you move on to marriage, GM will no longer be alive, so the issue will be moot. It also may be that by then, GM would have changed her perspective. Yes, that does happen.</p>
<p>I agree that it would be wrong to cut your GM out of your life right now due to her bigotry. She is still your GM.</p>
<p>I am, incidentally, black.</p>
<p>So, how long do we give grandma? What if it was about hiring someone? Do we just ease into, letting people take their time to get used to the idea?</p>
<p>Why is it that we let some relative get away with behavior and beliefs that we wouldn’t support in our friends or in greater society at large?</p>
<p>If everyone just eases into it, hides relationships, it re-enforces the idea that there is something wrong with the relationship</p>
<p>If indeed grandma is going to have issues, what is the point of dragging it out? If she is not, then there is no reason to ease into it. THe young lady in question is black. How sad that people still need to be “eased” into the idea that one of their relatives is dating someone of a different race?</p>
<p>how many more decades need to pass for this to be a non issue? And I am so tired of this idea that, well, she is old, etc. That is not a valid reason to condone bigotry, just because she is grandma.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t pussyfoot around it at all. I would be straight up, and I would also tell her, that because of her past comments, her own grandchild is afraid of her reactions and embarrassed by them. How do you ease someone into not being a bigot or racist? </p>
<p>Again, if this woman was hiring someone and had issues about someone’s race, would that be acceptable? Just because she is old? And why do we condone that kind of thinking for relatives, but wouldn’t for other people? </p>
<p>There are many people of certain generations that, after all these years, are still racists, because people just let it go. That to me is wrong. If you can’t tell your family members to step up and act right, than how can you expect the world to change? We are so afraid of causing rifts in families by speaking up, that the patterns continue.</p>
<p>This is grandma’s actions, her words, her beliefs that are causing fear in her own grandson, do we just let that continue until SHE decides to change?</p>
<p>Grandparents and relatives can be jerks, and just because they are related doesn’t mean we have to tolerate their beliefs.</p>
<p>I love my family, but I will not and have not tolerated racists jokes, hateful talk. And if a realitve continued in that vain, I have no problem cutting them out of my life. There are enough kind loving, decent people in my world that I wouldn’t need to have a toxic on in it, relative or not.</p>
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Sorry, but if you cannot see the difference between a business relationship and a parental/grandparental one, then there is no point in this discussion.</p>
<p>And as far as I know, there are no laws that require a relative to accept any personal relationship of other relatives, while there are many about employment and business relationships.</p>
<p>“I love my family, but I will not and have not tolerated racists jokes, hateful talk. And if a realitve continued in that vain, I have no problem cutting them out of my life. There are enough kind loving, decent people in my world that I wouldn’t need to have a toxic on in it, relative or not.”</p>
<p>I think this is where the disconnect is in what you are saying. A relative can have racist views, and still–for the most part–be a kind, loving, decent person. Those of us from the South, in particular, may have many relatives would would have to be “eased in” to the idea of a nonwhite girlfriend, but who are far from being toxic personalities.</p>
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<p>Quite true. But, the above quote got me contemplating on the question: What is “a good person”? One thing I’ve observed in my 51 years, is that people are extremely complicated. Within the same body often dwells an individual who is both, terribly flawed and extremely noble. </p>
<p>It sounds like the OP loves his grandmother very much. There are probably very good reasons for that (other than the mere fact of her being his grandmother). I’ve experienced at least one instance of a person who, I know, accepted as axiomatic the belief that her white skin made her somehow “better” than me, but who nevertheless went went out of her way to help me during a difficult time, showing amazing kindness and support. If she were a “bad person”, why would she do that? She wouldn’t have approved of my marriage to my husband (a white man), but I wouldn’t render a decision about her entire character based on this knowledge. </p>
<p>Thing is, I don’t think she even realized that her attitudes were racist. Certainly, she wouldn’t say that she “hated” any other race of people. She just was never confronted to question that which she was raised to believe—that the races shouldn’t “mix too much”, and that some races are “better than others”. As a black woman who is almost always at the negative end of such an equation, I of course find that belief repugnant. Nevertheless, as I got to know this woman in her full complexity, her strengths and her weaknesses, her hopes, fears, and quirky peccadilloes, I couldn’t help but like her. I didn’t like her attitudes about race, of course. Nevertheless, there were aspects of her character that I genuinely loved and admired. Human beings are complicated. Most of us a combination of both good and bad. </p>
<p>So, for the OP, I would encourage him to be straightforward with his Grandmother. Tell her he has deep feelings for/is dating a black girl, and that he knows how she feels about interracial dating. Nevertheless, he would appreciate it if she would seriously reexamine her attitude about the issue, and if she can’t change her mind, at least be civil when he introduces his girlfriend to her. Who knows, granny might eventually come around. I’ve seen it happen before. </p>
<p>Good luck, TS8.:)</p>
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<p>I don’t think abybody who is racist is a decent person. Just my own personal opinion.</p>
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<p>How about a person who believes homosexual behavior is a “sin”? Or someone who believes women are naturally more “emotional” than men? Or someone who believes it’s alright to cheat a little on your taxes? How about the person who believes abortion is murder, or that the Death Penalty is just punishment? How about the person who smokes pot once in a while, or gambles, or cheats on his/her spouse? What constitutes a “decent person”?</p>
<p>Make the grandmother take anthropology, evolutionary biology and mitochondrial DNA courses.</p>
<p>No, I’m kidding.</p>
<p>But I’m not sure if racism is necessarily ingrained in character. Sometimes it’s just based on pseudoscience. The missteps of the historians who concluded that the Aryan migration into India was an “Aryan invasion” (a theory only recently disproved), are still being felt, especially among the elderly generation.</p>
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<p>The definition of racism is “The belief that race accounts for differences in human character or ability and that a particular race is superior to others.”</p>
<p>I don’t consider others decent who believe that their race is better than another race.</p>
<p>“I don’t think abybody who is racist is a decent person. Just my own personal opinion.”</p>
<p>You obviously don’t know enough people.</p>
<p>I agree with Hunt, you don’t seem to have any racist relatives yourself to understand/relate to the OP.</p>
<p>I would say from my experience that racism arises either from ignorance and inexperience (ex: never meeting or associating with a black person until much later in life) or the passed down beliefs of other relatives (ex: a parent teaching his child one race is superior). Unless one commits violent hate crimes, I’m pretty sure you can be a decent person and still be racist due to your background.</p>
<p>but again, I guess that’s jmho.</p>
<p>I think the question of whether or not a person can be racist and still basically be “a decent human being” has everything to do with how one manifests his/her racists beliefs. At no time is racism ever truly benign, but there’s a spectrum of racism, from the garden variety that most people are intelligent enough to be ashamed of possessing, all the way to virulent racism, that actually seeks to destroy it’s targets. I definitely wouldn’t hold that one can engage in the more destructive varieties, and still be a card carrying “decent person”, but the garden varieties of racism, the kinds that can be eradicated by education and a modicum of empathy, is as common to the human heart as dirt is to mud pies. If it’s true that any amount of racism precludes human decency, there’s not much hope for humanity. I’m not yet that cynical.</p>