<p>I’m a white male who has been dating a black female for a little over 4 months. We both go to the same college. She has met my immediate family and my maternal grandparents (both of my parents have no siblings). She hasn’t met my paternal grandmother though, who is the only close relative on my dad’s side. My paternal grandmother is very old-fashioned and certainly would not be happy if she knew I was dating a black girl. Is just not telling my grandmother the best way to go here? It doesn’t feel right doing that though.</p>
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<p>You mean racist, not old-fashioned.</p>
<p>Perhaps you can slowly introduce your friend to your grandmother in a very low-key way as a good friend. Give her time to get to know your friend as a person rather than as a prospective daughter-in-law. This will also give you both time to decide how serious you are about each other. If you are, then you can really get to work helping your grandmother to welcome your friend in the family.</p>
<p>Talk to your girl friend. Is it important to her to meet your grandmother? If so then if your relationship with this young woman is important to you then you should respect this and talk to your grandmother.</p>
<p>While racism may certainly be an old-fashioned way of life it is not now, nor should it ever have been, acceptable. Racism is simply wrong – you know that. Be upfront with your grandmother…don’t underestimate her ability to change her old prejudices…and if she can’t accept your relationship then it’s her problem.</p>
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<p>There, you have it. It’s always good to listen to the little voice inside your head ;)</p>
<p>Your grandmother may be upset at first, but as she gets to know your girlfriend, she will most likely warm up to her. My mother (in her 80s) was very opposed to my nephew’s choice of an Indian fiance when she first heard about it and for quite some time, until she spent a couple of days in her presence. Now it seems this young woman can do no wrong! My mother was able to see her wonderful personal qualities.<br>
I can imagine that your girlfriend might be hurt if you tried to hide your relationship in your grandmother’s presence.</p>
<p>Is anyone else seeing the “Afroromance” ad above this thread? That is so “big brother”!</p>
<p>I (African American) dated a Jewish guy for many years, and my brother dated a European (can’t remember from what country, but not more than one generation removed) girl for years. Their families (or so they said), could just not deal. But we are much older.</p>
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<p>No, I’m just seeing “Looking for a Booty Call”, “Guideposts Grandparenting”, “Meet Sexy Asians”, “Grants for Single Mothers” & “Black Girls Dating”.</p>
<p>Google, the great comedian.</p>
<p>How serious is your relationship?</p>
<p>Does your girlfriend want to meet your grandmother?</p>
<p>I’m just getting ads for the New School, very dull.</p>
<p>I’d warn your girlfriend that your grandmother may have problems. How do you know this, by the way? Have other people had black boy or girlfriends? Maybe she’ll surprise you. I agree that it would probably be easier for her to meet your girlfriend before you are really serious and give her time to get used to the idea.</p>
<p>My D’s BF for the past 18 mos is kinda black, my parents who are around don’t think anything of it, and they are not only older generation, but also grew up in a city with lousy black/white interactions back in the day.</p>
<p>My in-laws don’t know the race because they don’t travel any more, there is no reason I have ever thought to include that in a description, I don’t really discuss my kid’s romances with them anyway. If there had been a good prom photo or something I am sure i would have sent it and not worried too much if it was odd for them.</p>
<p>If your grandmother is part of your life, lives nearby, and is around, then she would meet her and know this as a matter of course, if she is far away, I am not sure the point of announcing it.</p>
<p>I think that kids of any generation do things that bug their parents & grandparents, I don’t bother announcing every little thing, but go with what is natural conversation. If a grandparent is not going to see the tattoo, I am probably not going to mention it, ya know? If they are around to see it, then they can comment as they so desire ;)</p>
<p>He said HE is not comfortable with it.</p>
<p>“Is just not telling my grandmother the best way to go here? It doesn’t feel right doing that though.”</p>
<p>So what does that feeling mean?</p>
<p>I can relate to the OP. Given the way my boys were raised, it is certainly possible that one or more of them could end up with a young woman of a different race. I so want them to find a person who makes them happy (and vice-versa) etc., etc., that race is not an issue for me. This would not be the case with my parents, or many of my extended family members. </p>
<p>If the girlfriend is of a different race, I would probably send a picture of the kids at some event, (Johnny and Susie at Homecoming, etc.) and let the fallout happen long distance. My greatest concern would be that something hurtful might be said when the introductions finally occurred. If I really think that would happen, then grandma just doesn’t get to meet the girlfriend, and it’s her (grandma’s) loss.</p>
<p>OP - this is only peripherally about your grandparent’s racism. Ultimately it is about your happiness, and you and your partner taking care of each other. When you get to the point where that trumps your concern about grandma, then it’s time to tell grandma and let the chips fall where they may. Good luck to you.</p>
<p>somemom,
you said D’s BF is “kinda black.” What does that mean? Kinda in a Barack Obama kinda way?</p>
<p>Isn’t it just so sad that people have to worry about “tradtions” like racism? Families tiptoe to often around the words, and it allows the racists to think their belief systems are okay with everyone else. </p>
<p>I think the parent of the OP should tell the grandmother. This is one area I don’t think one needs to respect their elders. </p>
<p>I understand the OPs problem, they don’t want to hide the relationship, as that could be percieved they were ashamed, when they are not. But they also don’t want to hurt the GF. The person’s whose feelings shouldn’t matter is the “tradtional” grandmothers.</p>
<p>I’ll bet the OP’s grandmother isn’t only a racist. I’ll bet she’s also a loving grandmother who raised one of his parents, and probably cares deeply about him. It’s easy for people to tell him to kick her to the curb, but that isn’t right either. OP, pay attention to the suggestions on how to ease your grandmother into the situation–perhaps have your parents tell her in the context of how much they like your girlfriend. Even if she does have old-fashioned racial ideas, she may be able to learn, and you will also find that many people with such ideas will make an “exception” for the wonderful girlfriend their grandchild brings home.</p>
<p>You said it better than I could have…</p>
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<p>The grandmother isn’t going to change her position on racism overnight. Even if she does say it is fine, I can bet that she will never accept the fact that the girlfriend (or eventually wife) is black.</p>
<p>I see the AfroRomance one too!</p>
<p>Ahh, the racism of the elderly.</p>
<p>The elderly of Asian families are the worst for racism. Not my family in particular, but in my birth country, the elderly class are the most socially powerful and they are responsible for probably 75% of the ills in my country – the Chinese elderly in particular.</p>
<p>The government’s demographic policies (subsidies to particular families for having children, regulations on which family can take what public housing, as public housing houses 80% of the population) are targeted with goals of not having the Chinese population fall below 74%. Muslim population cannot rise above 15%. Indians never above 9%. Eurasians and “Others” – well, they are nice but they should know their place too.</p>
<p>Well, implicitly anyway, according to the gerontocracy. They live in the prosperity of the present, but socially it’s as though the British are still colonial masters of Singapore where all the races must be segregated and only occasionally comingling is encouraged. I heard one Chinese grandmother publicly complain about racial ratios to her friend. ON THE TRAIN. Only social taboos and the cultural mantra of “respect your elders” – and probably the law – made me refrain from smacking her across the face. It’s not uncommon to hear of old dragon ladies still stuck in Imperial China who refuse to get on the lift with a minority family and wait for the next lift.</p>
<p>Thankfully here in America, the OP’s grandmother isn’t part of an entrenched culture, and she would probably not hold as much social power as she would in an Asian society.</p>
<p>Hunt – Very nicely said! </p>
<p>Change is not easy for anyone…but who knows the OP’s grandma may be more accepting then he thinks…especially because she loves and cares for them. I think there is a good possibility that she could change her prejudices and possibly already has.</p>