Just wanted to offer some cyberhugs. This has to be the last thing you wanted for your dd at this point in her life and her mental health journey.
It sounds like the dad has a job and his own place to live, so maybe they have a plan for supporting the child. I suspect both are old enough to understand their options. This is a tough situation, but if OP suggests that they end the pregnancy or put their baby up for adoption they may end up resenting her. Her grandchild probably won’t be thrilled when they find out either.
They’ve apparently already discussed it and it sounds like they plan to raise the baby together. If they separate and OP’s daughter can’t raise the child on her own then custody would probably go to the dad. He wouldn’t be the first single dad to have primary custody of his children.
Thank you all for the support. To answer some questions.
They have been friends for 2 years but only dating for about 3 1/2 months. He is very aware of her mental issues. He is very stable himself which is good.
He has no family in the picture. His father is in his late 70s and very ill. His mother is estranged from him. He has no siblings that he is in contact with. He has been his own for several years and has some decent savings. He swears he has “run the numbers” and can afford this.
He wants my dd to stay home with the baby. I did discuss her doing pet sitting and finishing learning to groom dogs because those are things she could do and still be home but earn money. (She has experience in these areas and is very good at it).
They are renting a house and he can afford it on his salary.
We will help financially with baby care items, etc. He does not want to accept help at this point except for things like that.
She is adopted and is totally anti-adoption. He is also against it. Abortion is not in the discussion for either of them.
She won’t listen to anything I have to say at this point. She left to go to his town yesterday for a couple of weeks. I’m hoping she will look for a doctor there but I’m not sure. Insurance may be an issue but she has a plan (sort of).
I can’t solve her problems. She is not a child that will listen to me. In the future we will step up and make sure the child has a safe place to live. We just will not be in a place to raise it ourselves. We will make sure the child is first priority.
I have seen a therapist here. The NAMI chapters here have not met in several years and do not even answer e-mails any more. The nearest one that meets in an hour and a half away and I can’t get there after work. It sounds great and I wish there was one closer.
Again than you all.
I read somewhere on CC some time ago a piece of advice to wade carefully with significant others. That BF or GF you may feel “eh” about, might just be in your life & be family for the next 40 years.
This was extremely helpful to me at the time, and to this day. I think you @momocarly might be able to apply this kind mental jiu-jitsu. What if you worked to cultivate a sense of “this is going to be great for this couple and for this baby”?
After all, with challenging kids, I think we as parents can get used to expecting the worst. If not the worst, something on the “bad” side of the spectrum of outcomes. But we don’t know. No one has a crystal ball, and although we may feel certain that “this will not end well”, we just don’t know (hat tip to my therapist!).
It’s going to happen, whatever happens, so why not try to find the joy, or at least contentment & acceptance in what life throws our way. As you said, it’s their problem to solve. How different would you feel if you believed both of them were 100% capable? You deserve peace of mind! Hugs!
I’ve seen that happen as well. And it’s very sad.
I would do what @MaineLonghorn suggested and go to NAMI. That sounds like an amazing resource.
True, but a lot of people don’t. A baby doesn’t magically solve everyone’s problems. My cousin has two granddaughters…one of them married a guy at 20 when she got pregnant and later when on to have two other kids with him…she found out he was having an affair and left him. Sure, this doesn’t happen to everyone, but kids don’t necessarily solve everything…
@momocarly I’m so sorry this has happened. I think sometimes you have to step back and let your D work it out. That said, you mention you are not in a position to raise the child…this is something you may have to make clear to your daughter. That said if you are willing to help out in some way, you definitely should and let your daughter know what you can and can’t help out with…
Yes, but you HAVE to bring up all the possible issues.
I, too, hope the OP can find the joy. I spent all of my pregnancy worrying about what could go wrong and did that for my daughter’s first year. You have to remember to find the joy. The problems will all be there so just handle them one at a time, starting with the insurance coverage.
It is unfortunate that the dad has no family to back him up, but it does sound like he has a plan and the means to support a family. Again, hoping for the best–that your D has a healthy pregnancy, that you are able to enjoy grandparenting. Do you think your D will be able to take care of the baby while her boyfriend is at work? Is she excited about being a mom? (Fwiw, my niece–who did not go to college/has learning disabilities/is married with a baby-- works as a dog groomer, a good job for her.)