Ok, my oldest daughter, who is 22, and her boyfriend just met with me to tell me that she is 9 weeks pregnant. This is not happy news. She has emotional issues, has no job, no college (6 hours) and no savings. She has not been able to take care of herself let alone a child.
She and her boyfriend want to keep the baby and credit to him, he is willing to step up. At least he has a job, welder, and a place to live. He lives in another city a couple hours away. Her plan is to move there with him after her next doctor’s appointment in a month. I am worried about them. She has never been able to keep a boyfriend for longer that a few months because they get tired of her mental issues. Now with the hormones making those worse I just don’t know. Of course she won’t see a psychiatrist or a therapist.
Ok I’m ranting and just need a place to vent. She can stay on my insurance until she is 26 but she will have to get insurance for the baby. I am an older parent (in my 60s) and not in a medical position to care for a child if this doesn’t work out.
Apparently she told my son a couple of weeks ago, and told my sister. Now she has to tell her dad which will not go well.
Just needed some listening ears.
We will listen.
This is rough news to get - and give - when the circumstances are less than ideal.
Does this D live with you now? I’m wondering if the idea of her going to live with him is just because of the pregnancy. If she wasn’t planning on doing it before pregnancy I have to ask - is it better for her to continue staying with you for the time being? You who know her and her mental needs?
I just think sometimes people are trying to do the right thing for the wrong reasons. “You’re pregnant with our baby so now I should take you under my wing and provide for you and the baby - even if the relationship is not where I would want it to be under un-pregnant circumstances”.
She was planning on going before the pregnancy. They were just waiting for the right house to be ready to rent. She has had a lot of bad things go on here so it might help her emotionally to be away knowing she can come back if needed. I did talk to them a little about that.
I’d check with your insurance to see if they would also include the baby-to-be on your insurance, as your D is still a dependent and the baby will be as well.
I know I’m always saying this, but I highly recommend you take a NAMI Family to Family class if you haven’t already. It’s a free course that will give you lots of good advice and tools for dealing with your daughter’s issues. The word I’ve heard most often to describe the class is “lifesaving.” You can Google “NAMI [name of state] Family to Family” and you will find class locations. Even Maine has classes in many locations. Hugs to you!!
I’m sorry. No words of wisdom but I hope everything will work out for your D! I have a close friend who got unexpectedly pg at that age and is still happily married 20+ years later with the baby’s father.
No advice but here to lend a sympathetic ear. That would be tough news to hear, especially given your concerns about your daughter. Does the boyfriend seem more emotionally stable? How long have they dated? If it’s been a while, he may be aware of her issues and well-suited to support her personality and emotions.
It’s so impossible to know from the outside what any relationship is like on the inside. I hope you have more discussions and that they are productive.
Do you have a therapist for yourself? I have two daughters about the same age, and for sure, a pregnancy would stir up a lot of unwelcome anxiety for me.
I can already hear one of my kids say, “But it would be none of your business.” Bless.
I also know people who had babies young and unplanned and rose to the challenge.
I know this is tough news to hear, especially from a child with mental health issues. But there are some good aspects to this, it seems. Her boyfriend wants to keep the child. This means he is committed. Even if they are not able to sustain a relationship, it sounds as if he will step up to the plate when it comes to caring for their child. Even though it’s not ideal, these can be two separate things.
Also, if she begins to feel really bad emotionally because of the hormones, she may decide to seek help on her own.
Is it possible for you to offer to take care of her during her pregnancy? Not all the time, but for stretches at a time?
Does your daughter’s boyfriend have family living near him that might lend a hand of support once the baby is born? Always nice to have family nearby.
Although she has resisted therapy in the past, perhaps she might consider it now if it is “best for baby”.
How long has she been dating the BF, and have they spent real time together or has this always been a distance relationship? I know these things are not in your control, but does he know she has mental health problems? Have you talked about abortion as an option with her? With them both?
How long until you don’t have workplace health insurance that would cover her?
Wow, what tough news. I remember your daughter’s struggles (and the anguish that they caused you). She is older now and many times that can help. At this point I think you are on the right track just offering support since she isn’t asking for advice.
I really do think a visit with NAMI like @MaineLonghorn suggests, might help you define your daughter’s strengths and weaknesses and how to del with them.
Sending all positive energy your way. So many of us could be in your shoes.
I’m sorry you are in this difficult situation. Hoping for the best. If your D hasn’t been with the boyfriend long, I wonder if he is fully aware of her issues? I wonder if you should talk to him privately? Do you know the boyfriend’s parents? They will likely be involved. (I’ve known of a few cases where spouses of people with mental health issues later blamed in-laws for not informing them about their partner’s history. Couples that stayed together did so with much support from grandparents–though many of them broke up. Often the grandparents had to raise the child/ren.) If your daughter is unable to take responsibility/parent a child, and you say you are not able to take on this challenge (due to age/health), I wonder if your daughter would consider adoption?–unless the father and his parents really want to raise the child.
Some insurance may not need to cover maternity related care for a dependent (insurance that existed before 2010), but most of them do (my sister told me that a while back, and you can google). I would just double check with your insurance. It definitely would not cover your grandchildren. If your daughter is moving in with her bF and is pregnant with his child, could she get on his insurance and also have the baby covered after birth.
It is hard to give advice on this. I want to quote Dr Phil, “All I care about is the unborn baby.” Are they in the best position to raise a baby now? Having a child is a lifelong commitment. Ask them what would happen if they should split up? Who would take care of the baby if your daughter is not able to? Would/could he take time off from work to help out? Does he make enough money to support all three of them? Have you had such discussions with them?
I am sorry you are going through this. It is almost every parent’s concern - their kids having unplanned pregnancy. There is no easy answer.
Hugs. I’m pro-life. I’m from a Catholic family, but I’d estimate that three fourths of my cousins’ kids are no longer practicing Catholics. However, a surprising number of them just couldn’t go through with an abortion when they or a GF became pregnant in less than optimal circumstances. (Yes, I know I don’t know about those who did.)
I’d estimate that in about 80% of those cases, the baby was the best thing that ever happened to the mother and/or father–even though nobody thought so at the time. I have extended family members who really got their acts together BECAUSE of the baby.
That said do NOT push marriage; that is a separate decision. It is important to have the dad sign the birth certificate when the child is born. (Social workers arrange this in many, if not all,US hospitals.) That simplifies child support if the couple does split up.
I respectfully disagree with @oldfort I know that OP’s daughter has had mental health issues, but IMO this approach–discussing all these questions with them-- infanticizes the couple. This is their problem and the mind set OP should create is that she can’t be counted on for any help at all; the couple has to figure it out for themselves.
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quote Dr Phil, "All I care about is the unborn baby." <<<<<<<<<
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That guy sucks. the already born people are much more important at this point. If the BF doesn’t know what he is getting himself into, this girl will bounce right back home with a baby in tow, to an older parent. There are way worse things than making sure abortion is discussed, financed, and supported by OP at least. The background seems so complex and pregnancy may well exacerbate all the symptoms that has so far been managed.
They could also discuss the option of adoption, depending how the DD feels, that might be a more tenable option for her, or not?
OP- I am sorry you are faced with this struggle.
I can’t see this gal going thru pregnancy and then allowing the baby to be adopted. Nor can I imagine her being able to mentally and financially support the child. There is the possibility that the boys family will invite her and the child to live with them, and share in the raising of the child. My heart goes out to the OP
For what’s worth, I am pro-choice, but I am very pro-baby once it is born. It doesn’t appear OP is considering abortion, so the baby would most likely be born. In my opinion, the baby’s well being should be a very important consideration (what Dr. Phil would say)
It is a bit irresponsible to bring a child into this world if they could not support the child. I do not believe having a baby is a way of solving people’s problem. Mature people fix their problems first before they bring a child into this world.
I agree with @bookworm. My heart goes out to OP.
OP, if you don’t mind my asking: am I correct that your daughter is an adoptee herself? If that’s the case, she may have very complicated feelings about relinquishing her baby.