Grandparents not coming to son's HS graduation- advice please...

Parent Cafe
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<p>Sigh…these family relationships can be painful. I have found I am happiest with all my relatives when I’m able to have no expectations of them at all. I don’t mean that in a hostile or angry way…just that I choose to let their decisions and actions have little or no impact on my happiness. If they’d like to come, wonderful. If not, that’s ok too. I arrange to find meaning and happiness in my important events whether they come or not.</p>

<p>OP, congratulations on your son’s graduation! I am happy for you.</p>

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<p>At our son’s recent college graduation, his only living grandparent had decided she could not make the trip (flying terrorizes her, and she is in her mid-80’s, cannot blame her), husband was involved with the ceremony, and I would have been left to sit alone for 3-4 hours. A dear friend took a day off work to sit with me, and I had the best time sitting with her. It could not have been better.</p>

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<p>Enjoy the day without them. </p>

<p>I was estranged from my parents when I was planning my wedding because I was living with my husband-to-be. We were 25 and 30. A week before the wedding, my younger sister called to alert me to the fact that my parents would be coming, and bringing my three younger sisters. It would have been easier had my parents stayed home. But I was glad my sisters were there. We got through it. We have been married for 30 years this year. Some things never change, and my mother has not. </p>

<p>They are not going to change. So congratulate your son. As he becomes an adult he can decide what relationship he will have with them. Live your life. Stop spending the ONLY vacation each year visiting them. Go every few years, or let your daughter go for a trip in the summer. </p>

<p>Funny, my mom never got along with her MIL. I became close with my grandmother, however, and she came to visit for a few weeks several times in the final few years of her life. She lived to be 92. At some point I realized it was NOT my grandmother (my mom’s MIL) that was the problem. It was my mother. Hopefully your son and daughter will be able to have a relationship with her. And no I am not saying you are the problem AT ALL. Just showing that your son and daughter can have a relationship with their grandparents when they become adults, thats all.</p>

<p>Hang in there. It is what it is. Don’t let them spoil his day.</p>

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<p>Yes, congratulations on you son’s graduation. Should have written that first. Hope this vent makes you feel better. You are not alone in having dysfunctional family members.</p>

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<p>So here’s a novel idea. Forget the idea that they have to show up at any ceremonial event in your town (h.s. graduation this time) to show they care about their grandchildren. Evidently, something works for your kids positively when they are in the grandparents’ own home. </p>

<p>How about this summer, send the son and 14-y.o. together by plane for a week alone at the grandparents’ home, providing of course everyone wants that. Clear out of the middleground and let them enjoy each other. </p>

<p>That week, have a stay-cation with your spouse, or just a simple bed-breakfast change-of-scene two towns over with him. Advise your kids to do it the GP’s way and not demand to be entertained; learn to bowl, play canasta or whatever. Leave the vid-games home since lots of GP’s take the sight of kids playing on them to mean total lack of interest or care in them, and they don’t even try to connect.</p>

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<p>This thread is making me feel better. I thought MY inlaws were the only ones with these issues. We have been married 29 years. For the first 25, I invited them to every birthday, and holiday event we had…plus concerts, special school shows etc. THEY NEVER CAME…except for the two high school graduations. I finally gave up. We live about a 4 hour drive from their home and they had every reason under the sun why they couldn’t come here…but they expected us to come there (which we did…for years…not Christmas, but all the other holidays). Finally I said NO MORE. What infuriated me more was that SIL and family live the same distance away. We found out after the fact that they spend EVERY holiday with them now. And they never miss a party or event. Honestly at this point, my kids don’t expect them to come. My kids always make plans to drive up to see their grandparents when the kids are in town. If the kids are here for 4 days, they will use one for that trip. I’m glad my kids have a good perspective on this.</p>

<p>OK…rant over.</p>

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<p>*However, it does get old always being the family that has to do the traveling. *</p>

<p>Exactly!</p>

<p>My H and I both come from large families. We have nearly 50 nieces and nephews! So, we’ve had to make it clear that we can’t all travel for every one of their “big events” - especially those that are during the school year. </p>

<p>They don’t understand, but they all live in the same county with each other. They never have to travel for anything! </p>

<p>They get to take vacations to exciting places every year. We have to dedicate a chunk of vacation time each year traveling to visit them. They don’t seem to “get that.”</p>

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<p>My mom isn’t far, but she doesn’t like to drive at night. She also does not call, but gets very annoyed if I don’t call frequently. She comes to to graduations but had me reschedule Chistmas dinner! Yeah, Christmas day she cancelled and then expected everyone to re-gather 4 or 5 days later at my house where I cooked an entire Christmas meal again! She prevented us from going down to our other home for New Years in the bargain which the petty, suspicious part of me was pretty sure gave her some satisfaction. She is only 69, but she takes care of my handicapped father. I don’t blame her for being unhappy with the way things have worked out for her, but she has always been like this! She wouldn’t even look at my engagement ring, she made a comment about the stone being “showy”. It still hurts but you move on.
My MIL and FIL on the other hand come to crew races, they even flew to Cincinnatti for the Nationals last year. They came to middle school lacrosse and football games, grandparents days, plays all of it. They are even good to their “grand dog”!</p>

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<p>paying3tuitions and sunnyflorida- I would love to send my kids during the summer. Every year we would hear that they couldn’t come because both GPs worked (they are young) so when FIL retired, we thought we would be able to send DD to them for ONE week. My DS kept asking and asking, when can I go to GPs house for the summer. That first summer FIL was off, I told her to ask her GP. Me, thinking this would be a simple, sure you can come… turned into MAJOR disappointment for my DD. She couldn’t come because my MIL was still working!! It didn’t matter that FIL, SIL and adult niece would be there during the day…oh no! MIL not there, then no can do. DD was heartbroken. The funny thing is she still thinks they are the greatest people around. And they are… when WE visit.</p>

<p>DS figured them out about 4 years ago when he asked me why didn’t GPs ever call or visit us? I told him I didn’t know and that maybe he should ask them the next time he talked to them. He said no, that’s ok, it’s not that important. I am very happy and grateful that he can handle their lack of connection.</p>

<p>Thanks again for letting me rant and rave. I feel much better than this morning and you guys are right- it’s not that important. The important people will be at DS graduation. I will take your advice and limit our contact. I don’t need to write a letter that won’t be sent. You guys are as good as going to therapy! :D</p>

<p>Although, I do like to stir the pot… We do have one thing to do for them on their 50th anniversary which is coming up in 2 years… We’re going to send them a “happy 50th anniversary” on their anniversary. I know this sounds wierd but nobody knew when their exact wedding date was because they HAD to get married in the early 60’s. I found out by looking up the vital statistics website for the county they got married in- no easy feat since they didn’t get married in their home town. They had to go “visit” relatives to do it. MIL was 15 and FIL 17 y.o. when SIL was born and DH was born 11 months later. So I found out the county and lo and behold, the vital statistics were available online. I gave the approximate month/year and paid the $18. Within 6 weeks we had a copy of their marriage license/certificate. They still don’t know that we know. I figure we’ll get them something nice and gold and make sure it arrives on that special day in September… Or maybe not, depending on how things go between now and then. :eek:</p>

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<p>Hmmm, maybe your knowing the exact date is the gotcha if things don’t go well the next couple of years ;)</p>

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<p>^^ maybe… :)</p>

<p>It has always annoyed me that their anniversary has been this BIG secret. When I talked to MIL a few years ago, I told her that in this day and age, they should be proud to say they’ve been married for over 40 years. But no, it’s got this stigma attached to it. </p>

<p>That and I just wanted to see if I could find out the date. For the last 4 years we have been sending them a gift in September- MIL thinks it’s DH’s birthday gift to them since his BD is in September too. So in two years, we may not have to worry about visiting again if we let this cat out of the bag…</p>

<p>says chuckle sitting in the corner with a big pot and huge spoon… stirring away… :rolleyes:</p>

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<p>I understand the frustration with grandparents who seem uninterested in attending important events in their grandchildren’s lives. I also understand that you’re just venting here, ChuckleDoodle, and I’m glad you’ve come up with a plan B that will make everyone in attendance happy on the big day.</p>

<p>But oh, dear. I don’t get why they’ve kept the date of their marriage secret all these years. I mean, they must have known when it was. I don’t understand, especially if everyone in the family knows they HAD to get married, why they didn’t just tell everyone what the anniversary date is. If they’ve kept it secret, or not considered it significant enough to share with the rest of the family, will they be happy to have the day commemorated - especially on a “surprise” basis? </p>

<p>(just wondering, as the product of two people who HAD to get married … 56 years later, it’s not terribly important.)</p>

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<p>Argh!! Some of the stories that you all have may make me appreciate my own dysfunctional family. Z=mom, if that happened to me (bleeding and pregnant) unless they both were crippled and under a building, I would never have spoken to them again (ever). </p>

<p>I also had been bullied into not taking vacation because my SIL was coming to visit, amtc, and yes she could not have been bothered to come to my D’s bat mitzvah over thanksgiving as well. I know she has no other SIL, but yours sounds like a clone of mine. I now tell my inlaws that we will take our vacation when their D comes to visit, and they should stop telling me to see her when she obviously doesn’t care a bit about us. </p>

<p>To the OP, my inlaws actually told their D (my darling SIL above) that she should come to them because she moved away too. After a while, she basically stopped coming to them. In the 20 years that I know them, they went only once or twice across the country to see her. I ALWAYS thought that they were wrong. Now they are too old to travel, but 20 yrs ago, my MIL could have gone - she did not even work or have children at home, and she never went alone. Their relationship is at this point nonexistent, and FIL can’t figure out why.</p>

<p>This is where the F-U in dysfunctional comes from. </p>

<p>To the OP, you could send a 14 yo alone to visit GP, couldn’t you? My niece never came alone to visit her GP, and I really thought that she should have (at least once she was 16 or so. Now she is an adult, and she never comes either.</p>

<p>My own sick old widowed mother always visited us until she was really too sick to do so. She wouldn’t have missed it. But she WANTED to come. </p>

<p>If they don’t want to come, just suck it up and move on, as much as it hurts. I once tried to tell my inlaws that they hurt my feelings by forgetting major events (Bday, anniversary etc.) and they did not care to change. Most people who don’t do these things aren’t looking to improve the relationship.</p>

<p>I applaud all of you who work to making better relationships, but don’t waste your time on hopeless causes.</p>

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<p>frazzled- from what I understand… It’s just the way they are. Based on conversations that I have heard- both MIL/FIL/SIL hold tight to all things that have happened in the past. They won’t let go. For things that you and I might see as inconsequential, they consider still as important years later.</p>

<p>For example- I took the kids to visit them one summer. We went down there to pick up niece so she could visit with us for 2 weeks. It happened to fall on July 4th weekend. My kids wanted to know how we were going to see the fireworks show since we weren’t at home… we would miss it. I told them that we would go to the one on the riverfront and it would be just as nice.</p>

<p>When I told my MIL I was taking my kids to the riverfront for the show you would’ve thought that I was taking them to the bowels of the earth. MIL said to me “We don’t do that”. I tend to be thick headed, so I thought nothing about this comment until she said it twice more. The light bulb went on over my head. Here was my MIL telling me (at 42 y.o.) that I couldn’t take my kids to the riverfront! My own mother doesn’t tell me what to do… When I asked her when was the last time she had been down there after dark- the answer was 10 years ago! :rolleyes:</p>

<p>So when I asked her why, she says that all the drunks are there and it’s not safe after dark- her words. I told her (sarcastically) that I was sure the local visitor’s committee would surely not be promoting visiting this place if it wasn’t safe. Besides having been to third world countries, I can tell you this place had nothing on that experience. In order to placate MIL, I asked the hotel manager where would be a good place to see the fireworks display… He pointed to a family friendlier area near the convention center- same fireworks, different POV. </p>

<p>So thinking this would make MIL happy, I told her where we would be going instead… her answer- “we don’t go there either”. So I told her that’s too bad, we were still going and we’ll see them later. </p>

<p>Because I can be small and petty, I called them to let them know we were there safe and sound (and that we hadn’t been mugged yet) :slight_smile: … but the night was young. And that I would call them when we got back to the hotel since they were worried. Niece answered the phone and regretted not coming with us. I told her if she could get her GP to drop her off, I would bring her home. It ended up they all came and MIL then said that it was the best July 4th they had in a long time and that next year they would do it again.</p>

<p>So very loooong story longer- their anniversary is something they built from a mountain out of a molehill- something they are good at.</p>

<p>I know I should give up, but I have don’t give up easily. I guess that flat forehead (from eating my head against the wall) will be a constant. Thanks for making me smile- it’s nice to know I’m not alone in the wierdo family group. :cool:</p>

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<p>I grew up 700 miles from both my parents’ families. We went to visit the relatives every year, often twice a year. Very rarely did anyone come to visit us, even though we lived near NYC with all its exciting tourist attractions. When we would drive all the way to the relatives’ area, we’d stay with my mom’s sister, and go around visiting a few people. Inevitably we’d hear a complaint that “You didn’t come to my house.” Well finally my mom had enough. She said, “We drove 700 miles, and they can’t drive 10 miles?” And my favorite quote, which fits the OP’s situation:
THE ROAD RUNS TWO WAYS.</p>

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<p>My father is like this (my mother died 30 years ago). Even when I was a single mother (a widow) with four small children he didn’t have time for me.</p>

<p>You will be healthier when you can just let it go. Your son is better off without a toxic relationship <em>hugs</em></p>

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<p>Chuckledoodle…I hear you…DD was home for 12 days last summer. She called her grandparents BEFORE she flew home…wanted to drive up for one night or even for just a day trip. They did NOT have time for her at any point in the two weeks she was home. Her feelings were very hurt. She just couldn’t believe that they couldn’t meet her for lunch…or something. When the winter break came, she did drive up for a day trip only. That time they were mad at her because she didn’t spend the night. She figured they didn’t have time for her (based on her summer experience). </p>

<p>Oddly, they ALWAYS have time for the children of their daughter (as someone up thread pointed out…must be that kids of daughters are preferred). </p>

<p>Don’t these grandparents KNOW that these kids notice when these things happen?</p>

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<p>You know, Chuckdoodle, about the wedding date…My mom used to say that the first child can come at any time; all the rest take nine months.</p>

<p>My kids lost their last surviving grandparent when the older of the two was 16. Never in the sixteen years did grandpa see either of my kids do anything (sports, music, etc.). But when he died, wife #2’s grandkids got up and talked on and on about what a great guy he was. That was a bit much.</p>

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<p>At the end of day, it’s the grandparents who would be missing out. A teenager is not going to be that upset that his grandparents didn’t show up at his graduation, he would be too busy with his friends and his family.</p>

<p>My daughter is turning 21 in a week and I am no longer in the same country as she is. I am going to make a point of seeing her on her birthday. It is not because I think she would really be that upset not having me there, it is because I want to be there to share that special day with her.</p>

<p>If your kid’s grandparents do not feel it is important to be at their grandchild’s graduation, there is nothing you could do to change who they are, and I would say not to waster your time in being upset. Your son will have the most important people in his life at his graduation.</p>

<p>Congratulations.</p>

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<p>“A teenager is not going to be that upset that his grandparents didn’t show up at his graduation, he would be too busy with his friends and his family.”</p>

<p>In reading this thread, I realized that my in-laws, my S’s only living grandparents, didn’t come to S’s high school graduation. S and H get along with them. I don’t. </p>

<p>However, until this thread was posted, I never even missed their attendance. There was no indication S or H noticed his parents didn’t come. They live out of state. I have no idea if they attended their D’s child’s graduation. She lives out of state, too</p>

<p>S had a great time with us and his friends. He didn’t want a party, so we didn’t throw one for him.</p>