GRE Essay Feedback?

Graduate School
1

<p>Hi! I would greatly appreciate it if anyone can give me feedback/scoring on my GRE AWA essay below. In return, if you post one of your writing samples below I will give you feedback too! Thanks!!</p>

<p>The best leaders are those who encourage feedback from the people whom they lead.</p>

<p>Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.</p>

<pre><code> Leadership is a position in which an individual is in a position that is removed from a group in terms of power, influence or status. This individual provides guidance and oversees the actions of the group. There are many types of leaders, but very broadly, a leader can lead either through influence or through micromanagement. The most influential type of leader is the one who leads through inspiring.
</code></pre>

<p>Take for example Steve Jobs. The man behind the Apple empire. Jobs did not single handedly draft up the Apple technology that we know today, but drew feedback from his workers and even competitors at times. Through this melting of ideas, he was able to turn an initial idea of innovation into a successful product. </p>

<p>Not just in the business arena, but politically, leading by encouraging feedback has been seen effective in the past as well. Martin Luther King Jr.
was known to be very personable and open to many of those that followed him and shared his passion of eliminating racial segregation. It can be argued that King grew his following and influence through listening to feedback. These individuals helped him identify challenges he faced and network for more resources than he would have alone as one man.</p>

<p>It can be argued that too many cooks in the kitchen will ruin the soup. That it is sometimes more effective to have one single designated voice of a leader leading the pack. However, there can be consequences to discouraging feedback from the people. The consequences of this can be witnessed in China today. Chairman Mao, back during the days of the Cultural Revolution, had what was initially a grand idea to help the people of China prosper, but through ignoring feedback from the people, caused much suffering instead. Creativity was oppressed, much of the vibrant more local cultures died off during the revolution. Individuality became non-existent as everyone took on one voice – the voice of Chairman Mao. Some modern day consequences China is facing today is the struggle in catching up to the rest of the world in terms of innovation and technology. And an even more real struggle is overpopulation and the affects of the One Child Policy. </p>

<p>Sometimes not encouraging feedback can lead people to feel disconnected from the leader. A good leader leads not out of fear but out of love. Historically influential leaders, Martin Luther King Jr. and Gandhi would both agree to this philosophy.</p>

2

<p>(Make the position you take very explicit in the beginning.)</p>

<p>Leadership is a position in which an individual is in a position that is removed from a group in terms of power, influence or status. This individual provides guidance and oversees the actions of the group. There are many types of leaders, but very broadly, a leader can lead either through influence or through micromanagement. The most influential type of leader is the one who leads through (inspiration). (Use a noun, not a verb there)</p>

<p>Take for example Steve Jobs: the man behind the Apple empire. (The second sentence was a fragment) Jobs did not single-handedly draft up the Apple technology that we know today, but drew feedback from his workers and even competitors at times. Through this melting of ideas, he was able to turn an initial idea of innovation into a successful product.</p>

<p>Leading by encouraging feedback has been seen effective in the past, not just in the business arena, but politically as well. (This did not make sense with the way you wrote it) Martin Luther King Jr. was known to be very personable and open to many of those that followed him and shared his passion of eliminating racial segregation. It can be argued that King grew his following and influence through listening to feedback. These individuals helped him identify challenges he faced and network for more resources than he would have alone as one man.</p>

<p>It can be argued that too many cooks in the kitchen will ruin the soup. (Not a fan of popular sayings, but it depends on who’s grading you) It is sometimes more effective to have one single designated voice of a leader leading the pack. (This was also a fragmented sentence) However, there can be consequences to discouraging feedback from the people. The consequences of this can be witnessed in China today. Chairman Mao, back during the days of the Cultural Revolution, had what was initially a grand idea to help the people of China prosper, but through ignoring feedback from the people, caused much suffering instead. Creativity was oppressed and much of the vibrant, more local cultures died off during the revolution. (Two items in a list need an “and” in there, not a comma if you’re not describing an object) Individuality became non-existent as everyone took on one voice – the voice of Chairman Mao. A modern-day consequence China is facing today is the struggle in catching up to the rest of the world in terms of innovation and technology. (I only saw one consequence) And an even more real struggle is overpopulation and the (effects) of the One Child Policy. (Wrong affect/effect wording. This sentence isn’t even needed to make your point)</p>

<p>Sometimes not encouraging feedback can lead people to feel disconnected from the leader. A good leader leads not out of fear but out of love. Historically influential leaders, such as Martin Luther King Jr. and Gandhi, would both agree to this philosophy. (Don’t give the impression that you think there are only two historically influential leaders)</p>

<p>(Is there anything that would go against your argument? A well-rounded argument would have considered the other side. Maybe the leaders that ignored the words of people that said they couldn’t do what they wanted to do? For some reason, Rosa Parks comes to mind as an example)</p>

<hr>

<p>Your ideas are good, you just need to execute them more effectively. I would put your position as the thesis of your loose essay format. The “inspiring” leader doesn’t say anything about if you agree with the statement or not. I can assume that you do agree with the statement, but I realized that only farther down the essay. </p>

<p>Your ideas are also kind of disconnected. Use a few more transition words.</p>

<p>Uh, I think that’s it. I’m no English major, but there’s my two cents.</p>

3

<p>Just a disclaimer, this might be a little harsh. My personal preference is to get the most effective feedback, and then I choose whether to take it or leave it, and I’d rather get honest opinions rather than compliments. That being said, you do a lot of things well, but I spent more of my time pointing out things I think could be improved because in the long run, it will help the most. </p>

<hr>

<h2>Leadership is a position in which an individual is in a position that is removed from a group in terms of power, influence or status. This individual provides guidance and oversees the actions of the group. There are many types of leaders, but very broadly, a leader can lead either through influence or through micromanagement. The most influential type of leader is the one who leads through inspiring. </h2>

<p>I’m honestly not a fan of your introduction. It seems too formulaic. I’d suggest either going for a more personal approach, or a stronger academic approach. Beginning your essay with a definition seems like following a formula presented in high school. Why not question how it is society chooses leaders? Or explain how leaders seldom fit a checklist of qualities and then use this idea to launch off into your discussion of Jobs and Martin Luther King Jr. </p>

<p>Based on your introduction, I should have a good idea of your argument and where your essay is going to go, but I don’t really get that. </p>

<hr>

<h2>Take for example Steve Jobs. The man behind the Apple empire. Jobs did not single handedly draft up the Apple technology that we know today, but drew feedback from his workers and even competitors at times. Through this melting of ideas, he was able to turn an initial idea of innovation into a successful product. </h2>

<p>You need to establish him as a leader if you are going to use him as an example. </p>

<hr>

<p>Not just in the business arena, but politically, leading by encouraging feedback has been seen effective in the past as well. Martin Luther King Jr. </p>

<h2>was known to be very personable and open to many of those that followed him and shared his passion of eliminating racial segregation. It can be argued that King grew his following and influence through listening to feedback. These individuals helped him identify challenges he faced and network for more resources than he would have alone as one man. </h2>

<p>Phrases like “has been seen as” or “it can be argued” are the figurative nails on the chalkboard for people who read and grade essays all the time. Take a stand. Be bold. </p>

<hr>

<p>It can be argued that too many cooks in the kitchen will ruin the soup. That it is sometimes more effective to have one single designated voice of a leader leading the pack. However, there can be consequences to discouraging feedback from the people. The consequences of this can be witnessed in China today. Chairman Mao, back during the days of the Cultural Revolution, had what was initially a grand idea to help the people of China prosper, but through ignoring feedback from the people, caused much suffering instead. Creativity was oppressed, much of the vibrant more local cultures died off during the revolution. Individuality became non-existent as everyone took on one voice – the voice of Chairman Mao. Some modern day consequences China is facing today is the struggle in catching up to the rest of the world in terms of innovation and technology. And an even more real struggle is overpopulation and the affects of the One Child Policy. </p>

<h2></h2>

<p>See above for “it can be argued”</p>

<p>You are misusing the word however, this is one of those times when conventional speech doesn’t translate to academic writing. </p>

<p>You can say: </p>

<p>However much I try to watch my weight, chocolate cake is always too tempting to resist.</p>

<p>Or I’m trying to watch my weight, however, chocolate cake is too tempting to resist.</p>

<p>But you cannot start a sentence with However, _______. (Granted, the first time I was informed of this grammatical rule was in graduate school, but it is indeed true).</p>

<p>Also, reconsider the order of your words. Rather than “Chairman Mao, back in the days of revolution, …” Consider “In the days of the Chinese revolution, Chairman Mao…”</p>

<hr>

<h2>Sometimes not encouraging feedback can lead people to feel disconnected from the leader. A good leader leads not out of fear but out of love. Historically influential leaders, Martin Luther King Jr. and Gandhi would both agree to this philosophy.</h2>

<p>One important thing to do in argumentative essays is to anticipate a possible counter argument, and address it. Or, use counterarguments to test your own arguments and if they do not hold up, drop them. This being said, what happens when leaders encourage feedback and appear to ignore it? This is your writing and your voice, so it’s your call whether this question poses enough of a threat to your essay, but when I grade papers as a GTA (admittedly very different from the GRE) this is something I look for.</p>

<p>I’m also not convinced by your inclusion of Gandhi or Martin Luther King because I don’t feel like you’ve given enough evidence that they were successful leaders, nor discussed their policies of encouraging and responding to feedback. It seems more as though you’ve included them for the sake of including them.</p>

<p>I know that sounds really harsh and I’m sorry for that. The ideas are good, but I think they could all use a bit more support. When I show my undergraduate classes how to write I suggest they use the “TEA” method for each paragraph. Topic sentence, followed by Evidence and Analysis. (Though you should have 2-3 pieces of “evidence” and 1-3 sentences of analysis for each piece of evidence).</p>

4

<p>Thanks for the detailed feedback historygradgirl! I’m quite used to “harsh” feedback because I was a journalism major in college! This was definitely helpful since it’s been a while since I’ve written a timed essay. Also, glad to hear from someone on the other end of the GRE/grad school app process :).</p>

5

<p>You should take a look at what the GRE graders actually score based on. I took it a good while back, and I’m a terrible writer, but I was able to get a 5.5 since I knew exactly what they were looking for on each essay. As I recall, they aren’t as concerned about style and validity of your answers as you ability to write coherently, spell words correctly, and show you can write in English. It’s a bit of a filter for students that just memorize scores of words, but can’t properly use any of them. I’ve known students that have scored in the 90 percentile on verbal, but can’t actually write or speak in English. They know you’re likely going to be pressed for time (especially if you’re not a really fast touch typist), so a lot of the things expected in more formal writing samples don’t apply here.</p>

6

<p>Thanks RacinReaver! It is pretty difficult to put together something fancy in under 30 mins. It’s reassuring to hear that there is a “formula” to the AWA section as well!</p>