<p>Hello, I wonder if anyone has words of advice. A distant and very old relative died today. He’s on my husband’s side of the family and was for many years estranged. We visited last summer, when he was 99. That was the only time my daughter met this relative. We planned to visit this summer (he just turned 100). Until a month ago, he lived in his own home, was fully independent and even drove still. Really amazing. Caught pneumonia and passed away.</p>
<p>I was sad, of course, but also somewhat relieved for him–he was not going to be able to go back home, probably ever, and there were plans underway for a nursing home. He is one of the few at that age that lived his life without having to be in a nursing home; he was sharp as a tack. I am sad for her, but I am not feeling grief myself.</p>
<p>What I need advice on is how to comfort my 16 year old daughter. She had a very strong reaction to his death. So strong that it took me aback. I tried to be comforting by saying what a rich life he had, but I realized the second I said it that I was trying to rush her past her sadness. We have no connection to his ‘other’ family (when he was estranged from H’s family, he moved 2,000 miles away & remarried). I don’t think there will be a funeral, and even if there were, not sure flying across country to go to it would be what she needs.</p>
<p>I think she’s mourning the loss of a relationship that she really never got to have, and I believe her pain is very real and sharp. I want to help her through this/acknowledge her pain. Any ideas?</p>
<p>At your D’s age a lot of people haven’t experienced the death of people they know or relatives. If this is really the first she’s experienced then there can be extra emotions as the carefree life of a kid meets this particular reality of life.</p>
<p>One can’t really ‘justify’ the death because even though a person lives to be 100, they still are just as meaningful to the individual and the loss is still real. Discussing how he led a full life is fine but it doesn’t necessarily lessen the grief.</p>
<p>All you can do is support her, try celebrate his life in some way if possible (do something related to what he liked to do, eat a meal in his honor, make a donation in his name to a charity he’d appreciate, etc.), and give it time for her to come to terms with it.</p>
<p>Personally, I don’t find attending a funeral helpful at all - it just makes it worse for me.</p>
<p>I think there is something magical about a person you know (even a distant relative) living to be 100 in essentially good health, and that has been taken away from her. I think you are on target with allowing her to have her sadness. </p>
<p>I like the idea of honoring his memory in some way.</p>
<p>My 86-year-old aunt died when my daughter was 13. She also had a very strong reaction. At the graveside service, she was crying so hard that the rabbi who conducted the service (we had never met her before) gave me her card in case I needed to call her. She knew my aunt but we certainly didn’t have a warm and cuddly relationship with her.</p>
<p>My daughter was fine by the next day. It seemed like she got all her grieving over with on the day of the funeral, and that was that.</p>
<p>I hope your daughter feels better soon. If not, perhaps some short-term therapy is in order.</p>
<p>I don’t think what you said about him having a wonderfully long life was rushing her past any part of the grieving, it is what we say to get perspective and appreciation for the life lived. I have had similar experiences with one of my dds, seems to not know how to handle grief or change. We have had two family deaths while she’s been a teen - the one that hit her unexpectedly hard was the uncle that she met once when she was around 6 or 7, speaks a different language and when we heard of his death, we were sad but she was despondent and inconsolable. I think you are right that she’s mourning a loss of a relationship she never got to have really. Something done in honor of the person, maybe a tree planted or a small ceremony at your home might help with closure?</p>
<p>I agree with others to do something as a family to mark his death. I know people who have had each family member light a candle and say something about the person who died. Perhaps there would be a momento of him she could have, a photo of the visit or a small personal item.</p>
<p>I also think that talking about her memories of the visit, what she was looking forward to with him this summer, and what she enjoyed about his personality or interests could be helpful, if done in a way that suggests you are all thinking about him and it is nice to remember. It also seems likely that the grief in a relationship that couldn’t be is particularly acute here, because much of his life, he was estranged. It is natural to wish for more, especially when circumstances are extreme. She may not only be sad, but also angry that he was apart from the family for so long. This could lead to some good discussion at some future time: how do families ‘stay the course’ even with tensions, how do you decide when to keep relationships going or when to let them go, etc.</p>
<p>This loss may be tweaking some experiences she has had recently outside the family as well. As others have suggested, some kids are expressive by nature, and get it all out and move on. I’d be a kind ear, talk when she receptive, not push, but role model some ways of handling grief. Best to you all.</p>
<p>I don’t mind memorial services or funerals.
I think they can be very beautiful and moving, especially if you did not know the deceased well, hearing how his friends and relatives remember him, adds depth to your honor of his life.
It also gives comfort to the friends and family, to have others there who share their loss.</p>
<p>I agree with travelnut, that this loss may have brought up other feelings of loss and has made her reaction stronger. She may not even realize that this is happening.</p>
<p>A memorial service may be too painful if the loss is particularly sudden/ close, but in this case it may be a good introduction to rituals that we have designed to honor our loved ones, and it may comfort her.</p>
<p>By age 13, a teen has grasped the concept of death. when a distant, elderly person dies, the teen may not be mourning that person, but imagining the death of people she knows and loves. she may have many questions about heaven, the soul, an afterlife, whatever. i would not hesitate to have your DD speak to a religious figure, or a counselor. </p>
<p>I recall when a client went to the funeral of a friend’s mother. She had never met the woman, but sobbed so hysterically, she had to leave. she was thinking of losing her own parents.</p>