Growing Up, Talking to Parents

Parent Cafe
1

<p>Hi! I don’t post on these forums very often, but I would really appreciate some input from parents. First, let me describe my situation–I am a senior in college. As a high schooler, I pretty much skipped the whole “teenager” phase. I got into some fights with my parents, but generally, I followed the rules very well–in fact, sometimes my parents would encourage me to “break” some rules at school (not in the home of course). </p>

<p>Now, as a senior in college, I realize that my lack of audacity–which was rewarded so much at home and in college–is bringing up some problems. I’m not really grown up. I mean, I am very “safe.” I never get into dangerous situations or anything like that, but I rarely take risks. This is because of my failure, in the past, to confront rules that seemed stupid (or even to think about these rules). My parents aren’t helping the situation much though. For example, even though I am in college, they will call me regularly to ask whether I ate the right food, whether I applied to the right job, why I didn’t get it, etc. I still feel a lot of pressure from them and I feel I need to live up to their expectations.</p>

<p>So here is the deal: I want to grow up, take my own risks, and become my own person…at the same time, I want to “skip” the typical teenage phase when all of my parents’ rules are thrown out the window. I know they have valuable experience. But I also know that they tend to hold this experience over my head, and that I have a tendency to rely too much on this experience.</p>

<p>Do any of you parents have any advice as to how to deal with this situation? I know other kids in similar situations have either taken drastic steps (left the house entirely, cut off communication with overprotective parents), or have wallowed in this childish state and had their parents make marital and career decisions for them. I know that my parents have advice, but knowing my own nature and that of my own parents, I will rely too much on their advice and they will give too much of it. Is this problem still salvageable if I talk to them? Do you have any advice as to what steps I could take on my own to fix it? Does this HAVE to be a collaborative effort or can I do this on my own? What were YOUR experiences, as kids and as parents, with this?</p>

<p>Thank you, I hope I don’t come across as whiny in this post.</p>

2

<p>Some people are risk takers, others aren’t- don’t equate risk taking with maturity/growing up/being successful. Totally separate from being your own person. One skill to learn (my son learned it long ago, sigh) is that you don’t have to answer every question your parents ask. Practice this- ignore questions they don’t need answers to. Let them be upset and do not let yourself be bothered by it. Evasion is a skill I accuse my teenage college son of, a skill to also learn. You do not have to rebel violently or negatively, be subtle in taking control of your life. Do it in increments, each time you evaluate their questions and choose which to answer is a step towards independence. Many such steps will change their habits- they will get used to not knowing every detail. Of course they make it tough for you and try to insist on an answer, but you don’t have to give them one unless you choose to. Be vague when asked for details if you do not want to give them. Remember that you can listen when they give advice or instructions but you never have to follow it. Different personalities keep things to themselves, others, like myself, want to share every detail. There is no formula that works for everyone, as I hope you have noticed, you make the decisions. It may help to not inform them of things until they are a fait accompli, ie don’t tel them interim grades, only the final one (and that only if you wish), tell them when you get and take a job offer, not when you apply. You can still ask for their advice, but it may work best to do it in general/theoretical terms so you don’t alert their radar to your plans.</p>

<p>Being aware of how you react to your parents is a sign of growth into adulthood. Evaluating situations without getting their input (substitute others such as professors, friends…) is a way of being independent. Think of the many decisions you have made without asking your parents or even telling them about them. Do not worry about hurting your parents.</p>

<p>I understand your need to break away and you probably have done so more than you think. It is scary to make decisions on your own, practicing small ones will give you the confidence in your ability to handle progressively bigger decisions. Ask yourself the consequences of your decisions, do not be afraid to make mistakes- most mistakes are not life altering. Depending on your parents’ probable reaction you may even want to tell them at some point that you have decided to not tell them as many details about your life (I thought of saying withhold information, but you want to put a positive spin on your actions, therefore avoid using words with negative connotations). Learn to separate your love for them with their being a part of your world- being more distant is not a lack of love, they may feel it is and you may have to tell them you still love them but don’t want to share as much as you did before. Your parents may always want to know more about your life than they should (I do) but they will let go if you cut the ties impeding your growth. Hope this helps.</p>

3

<p>If you feel too ‘emeshed’ w/someone (parents, spouse, whomever) the easiest, least hurtful or potential harmful way to recitfy is just share less w/them. I find this helpful w/any relationship where you want to establish distance. Try to break the habit of presenting to them all your details/options & thus setting yourself up for direction/advice. Focus on analyzing your choices/options on your own (or w/trusted friends whom you know would be helpful/logical). This is likely something you’ll have to do on your own–discussing the situation w/them will defeat the purpose of independently establishing your emotional autonomy.</p>

<p>You’ll feel lots better & more independent once you start living on your own and making your own $$. Invest in caller-id too, so you can screen your calls & talk to mom & dad only when you are strong, rested and prepared to not share all your concerns/details out of weakness or tiredness. One thing–once you start distancing, your parents may worry. You can strongly reassure them how great you are doing and how very happy you are to talk to them (they’ll object to the decline in frequency of conversations less if you are positive during the ones you have).</p>

<p>FWIW, agree w/above post—not everyone has a ‘rule-breaking’ personality–many people become very, very successful and happy w/out dramatic rebellion. Drama is not a necessary rite of passage–you can become independent and mature w/out it.</p>

4

<p>I think it would be a good idea to talk to your parents about what you are thinking. As other posters have said, broach the subject carefully. Emphasize how grateful you are that you have such a close relationship with them and that you know you always will have. </p>

<p>Nevertheless, you can tell them that you feel like you have been too dependent on them and that you need to grow up some. Ask them to help you by being understanding if you don’t share as much with them as you used to. It’s not that you don’t trust them or believe they have good advice; it’s just that you need to practice thinking for yourself.</p>

<p>You could even ask them for advice on how you could break away from being so dependent on their advice. Now that’s tricky, isn’t it?! But seriously, asking them that will help them to be more understanding and more supportive of what you are trying to do.</p>

5

<p>One thing that helped me with my mother’s advice is a simple phrase: “I’ll think about it.” I didn’t have to respond immediately, I didn’t have to say yes or no. She got to say what she wanted to say, and then I could decide whether to listen to her advice totally, partially or not at all. That doesn’t require “risk-taking”, but it does require some fortitude. Then if your parents ask why you didn’t do what they suggested, you simply say, “I decided that this was the better route for me. Thank you for your suggestions.”</p>

<p>I also didn’t have the “risk taking” sort of personality. I played it safe; I did things my parents wanted me to do, even to my own detriment. I didn’t do the whole “teenage rebellion” stuff. That didn’t stop me from growing up, and I did pretty well out of school. I have my own career and my own family.</p>

<p>The alternatives are not just following your parents blindly or “throwing all their rules out the window.” Maturity is choosing to look at each rule individually, and then decide which ones you want to keep and which you want to revise or discard. That’s how you learn from their experiences while creating your own life.</p>

<p>Good luck to you.</p>

6

<p>Take up some sort of reasonable project, hobby, volunteer work, political campaigning, whatever appeals to you, on your own. Vow to make do with the least possible input/guidance from your parents.</p>

7

<p>Thank you for all the suggestions. I definitely think keeping many details of my own life to myself is a good idea. After reading your suggestions, I started seeing how I was prompting my parents’ (somewhat overzealous) behavior by sharing too many of my concerns with them. So, it is a two-sided thing. </p>

<p>As for the riskiness part…I realize that is part of my personality, and that being an adult requires balance. A risk-seeker would show childish behavior like speeding, taking drugs, etc. My risk-averse behavior exhibits itself in childish behavior like not taking the chance to drive long distances, being afraid of asking others out, and not applying for jobs.</p>

<p>Thanks again, I am still open to any advice, this is an ongoing process. Also, are there any people my age out there who are going through the same thing?</p>

8

<p>You are very mature and self-aware for a young person. The good thing about (healthy) risk-taking (e.g. asking people out, seeking out jobs & things you desire) is the more you do it, the easier it gets! You 'll likely eventually find that you like it!</p>

9

<p>When faced with those reasonable risks, I always found it helpful to ask, “What’s the worst that could happen?” Answers were similar to “I won’t get the job. But I certainly won’t get the job if I don’t apply,” or “He’ll say no. He may laugh. But if he does, then I wouldn’t want to go out with him anyway. And if I don’t ask him, he won’t have the opportunity to say Yes.”</p>

<p>And Jolynne is absolutely right - it does get easier with practice!</p>

10

<p>Nice that you want to grow up and be more like what you perceive to be an adult; and to be treated more like what you perceive to be an adult. Imo step 1:
Thank parents for raising you to where you are now and don’t take any more money from them. You pay for everything in your life. Your schooling, your home, your meals, your utilities, everything. Naturally, you pay for any student loans for your previous schooling, whether in your name or parents. The primary key to being an adult, I believe, is paying your own way. They paid for your stuff at 2, they paid for your stuff at 10, if they are still paying for your stuff, you are still a child- at least as most parents see it.
When you are a self supporting adult you will have a confidence about yourself that will open more doors. Asking for dates becomes easier, just because one thinks more of oneself. Even though its easier, they may not always say “yes”. But, it hurts less knowing that person missed out on you! Job interviews are easier too, for the same reason.
Of course if you cannot support yourself then you are not yet an adult, and are not yet ready to be treated like one. Also, as you gain more of life’s experiences you’ll probably find your parent inquire about your health and habits all your life, although it may not be their business to know. My mother does(I’m 50) and her mother asked her until she passed.<br>
Would be great ifI had some magic words so you’d slap your forehead and say- “It’s all so clear now”. But I don’t. Your feeling are common for one on the verge of adulthood, and things will clear up for themselves as you get older and more mature. Many of your problems solve themselves. patience.</p>

11

<p>I have to admit that my older daughter and I probably have similar relationship as you and your parents. She also did not go through teenage rebellion thing. We have always been very tight. This past year she would call 3-4 times a day just to chat. At one point she said that we had some co-dependency thing going on. </p>

<p>This spring I noticed that she started pulling away from me, not disclosing as much about her personal life to me. I was hurt and upset, and we had a few fights. It got so bad that we stopped talking for a while. It was my husband that played the go between(poor guy). He pointed it out to me that our daughter was just growing up and I had to let her go. My daughter and I had a very long talk about it. Things are better now, but it’s still not perfect. It’s work in progress. I need to LEARN let go. In our case, it was good that my husband was willing to help out, he facilitated our discussion. </p>

<p>If both of your parents are like me, you may want to enlist a close family member to help out. They may be hurt initially, but it’s healthy for you to break away, whether you are a risk taker or not. My daughter is a calculated risk taker, very independent, but just never from me before.</p>

12

<p>I’m really glad to hear all sides of the story (well, from parents who actually dealt with this and parents who currently recognize it as a problem). You see, the problem is that I think my parents are very afraid that I will mess up. I guess when you’re a parent, everything your kid does (from grades to the first job) seem like really important things. So, for example, my parents want to hear every question I was asked in a job interview, or every question that I got wrong on a final. And when they hear the mistake, they make a big deal out of it.</p>

<p>And, I think that they genuinely feel that it is a big deal. In any case, it is kind of tough to avoid answering my parents, since they really get mad. Does anyone have suggestions for how to deal with angry parents, especially when they are mad over something that might hurt me in the short-run, but will help me in the long run? </p>

<p>Jolynne, Chevda, thanks for your tips. Oldfort, I’m glad that you recognize that you and your daughter need to become more independent from one another…although it is great that your daughter and you have a good relationship.</p>

<p>Younghoss, I’m a little confused by your post. You write “what you perceive to be an adult,” but is there something else that comes with being an adult (aside from obviously supporting yourself)? Also, I’m guessing that you have supported yourself…obviously, I will be supporting myself in less than a year, when I graduate, but do you have any tips to create short-term financial independence? I don’t think my parents mind THAT much about my using their money…it is just their constant fear that I will mess something up. I think that will persist, in their minds, even after I start earning.</p>

13

<p>Learn to ignore your parents and their reactions. Stop sharing - do not even tell them about any interviews until you are offered a job, and then only after you have evaluated the offer and know where you are going with it. You are not unique/alone- there are thousands of young people in your shoes. Try relating to them as you do to other adults, not as child to parent. Of course parents worry that you will mess up- we all remember our children at a previous stage and when you are away at school we are not privy to the growing up changes you make. Maturity is gradual- none of us are the same people we were at 20, or 30 (or even 40 and 50).</p>