I am beyond angry right now. My son is getting married in three weeks to a lovely young lady we have known for years.
My parents divorced when my kids were toddlers and my dad remarried right away. He has been in his current marriage for over 20 years. To be honest, they are both awful. A few months ago, my dad said his wife had a dress she really loved and wanted to wear and wanted me to give contact info for the bride. He said it was “kind of white”. I said very clearly that if she had any question about whether it was appropriate, the answer was no. I thought we were done.
My dad’s wife texted my son’s fiancé today during the workday, then called her when she didn’t get a response. She wants to wear a “winter white dress but understands it is a problem for some brides, even though I have lots of dresses I could wear to your wedding”. That is paraphrased but pretty close. My blood is boiling right now.
I will sleep on it but damn, I am mad as hell right now. These kids have enough on their plate without some 70 year old woman trying to reclaim her glory days!
I’d talk to your son and encourage he and his wife to reply honestly…if they don’t want her to wear white they should feel free to say so. After that I’d step away - it is their choice.
While I still remember the name of the woman who wore white to my wedding 34 years ago, I can’t say it ruined the day or was anything more than a blip. If it bugs your future DIL, she can just say “Please don’t”, since she was called for permission. Honestly… as MOG, I’d say you should stay out of this. You don’t control her behavior (obviously), and if she wants to be a boor, let her. If FDIL isn’t bothered enough to stamp it out, then you should let it go.
My D would have cared. I know because she told me that I couldn’t wear white. That being said, does your son’s fiance care? If she does then someone (either you or the bride) should tell your stepmom no. She could never steal the show because she is not going to look as good as the bride. On the other hand, my D was concerned I was going to look better.
It’s not the absolute social rule it used to be. If it bothers the bride, she or your son can say so. But while the old thought was white takes away from attention on the bride, I just think a 70 year old woman isn’t a threat. Anyone who knows the rule will think she’s the one who made the faux pas, will tsk tsk, and move on. Your step mother won’t be the center of attention.
I think that the old lady should wear whatever she choses; there is no way she will detract from your future DiL’s beauty. If it were me, I’d just say that the winter white dress is fine and perhaps she (old lady) could wear colorful accessories ie. hat / bag / shoes / scarf / jewelry etc. Regardless, nobody will mistake her for the bride!
I would understand a twenty something maybe not knowing wedding attire etiquette but a 70 yr old definitely knows what is right and wrong at weddings. What is it about weddings that brings out all the strange relative drama?? I bet a working bride has all kinds of free time to deal with these crazy texts and phone calls.
The three women in the band that played at our wedding all wore white. I don’t think they’d ever actually done a wedding, because it dawned on them at the end of the evening and they apologized. I thought it was pretty funny - their white tea dresses looked nothing like my long satin dress, it hadn’t even occured t o me it was a problem. I’m guessing whatever stepmom wears will be similarly so obviously not a wedding dress no one will be bothered. I’m more bothered by people wearing funereal black dresses.
I asked my son’s fiance if there were any colors I should or should not wear. She said not white (wouldn’t have dreamed of it) and not black as if I was going to a funeral.
I wore blue. MOB wore a full length silvery white gown. I actually heard someone from our side that had not met DIL say in a very surprised tone “is that DIL’s name”? as she was ushered down the aisle.
I do think it’s inappropriate for a guest to wear white. But I don’t think it detracts from the bride at all - just causes a few raised eyebrows.
To me the point is she knows it’s frowned upon on she wouldn’t be “pretending” to ask permission. Old or not she knows what she’s doing - I for one would shut it down. As nicely as possible obviously ? !
My MIL wore bright turquoise to my '80s pale pink themed wedding, it was very much a look at me moment that was true to her character. I actually was not upset about it on the day, but I certainly never forgot that and some other shenanigans she pulled that day and judged her accordingly. In a way, it was a helpful warning, but I hope this woman backs off and doesn’t play those sorts of games.
If it was me, I’d just deal with it now and take if off the B&G’s plate. “Dad and Stepmother, wrt to your question to the bride about you wearing white, don’t. It’s not appropriate, but thank you for asking. I’m so glad you mentioned that you have lots of dresses to pick from and that you have three weeks to make an alternate decision.”
And yes…if she shows up in white…I’d alert the photographer asap that she will not be in pics with Bride (or anyone else )
One of my guests, an older lady, wore white at my wedding. I would not have noticed or cared…but someone told me that it was inappropriate. And I still didn’t care, she looked lovely. I think it’s incredibly silly to care what someone wears to your wedding, as it seems small. I wanted people to be comfortable, enjoy themselves and have fun. Apparently they did, as after we left for our honeymoon, there were tomato fights in my house, and a lot of hookups!
I agree with posters who say a 70 year old lady who wears white will not be seen as a big embarrassment and the bride will still shine.
But obviously this upsets you and I suspect you have some history here.
I understand completely your being upset. I hope in a bit you can think with less emotion and let it go. But I get being upset especially if there is a back story.
Who cares what anyone wears to a wedding? My maid of honor wore the dress my mother wore for her second wedding. It was off-white and looked beautiful on her and it didn’t cost her anything. She did not overshadow me, and the pictures are lovely.
I agree that something deeper is afoot here. Address that issue and let the dress go.
I’ve told this story before, but my own mother wore white to my wedding. She was supposed to wear something blue, but she called me from a phone booth outside a shopping mall in the pouring rain. In tears. Apparently the only possible dress she could find within 100 miles was white. What could I say? I didn’t really mind and wasn’t all that cognizant of that rule. I was in my early 30’s and we saw the wedding as a opportunity to host friends and family, not to adhere to “rules”.
It was a floor length beaded white gown that she later took on cruises; would have been appropriate for a vow renewal or second wedding. So in the pictures, she and I are both in white. But DH and my father were both in black, so it looked ok. And everyone knew I was the bride.
After she passed away, we found the suit she wore to her wedding tucked away in a box in the attic. All the pictures were in black and white, so I assumed her suit was white. It was ice green.
So Mom wore green to her wedding, and white to mine.
)