<p>It always amazes me when parents are afraid to say, NO, to their children. If your daughter is going to pout and stomp like a two year old because you won’t allow her 15 year old boyfriend (whom she is most likely having sex with) to stay in your house over the Christmas holiday, what’s the big deal? Let her stomp. Let her sulk. Let her threaten to stay in Sweden. Let her act like an immature kid. One key to being a parent is to not give in to their tantrums.</p>
<p>I also think it’s very strange that the OP is even thinking about the possibility of marriage at this stage. He’s a 15 year old boy. The daughter’s relationship with this boy shouldn’t be viewed as cute, funny, or exotic (being Swedish) in any way. IMO–it should simply be viewed as wrong.</p>
<p>The best thing IMO is a swift, non emotional response that he’s too young and there will be no holiday visit. End of story. Don’t respond further, don’t get involved in the relationship (by doing so you don’t pay for trips or allow a visit). If she wants to go there she can figure it out. You don’t have to make it a battle, you are really giving this way too much power. It gets said one time. You move on. If she doesn’t that’s her issue. This is not true love you are standing in the way of. And by all means do not friend this kid on FB! Your daughter needs a parent to step up and point out that this isn’t appropriate.</p>
<p>Your place is to not get emotionally distraught about this…it’s not about you. All that does is show your daughter how much pull she has in this matter…“Gee she’s flipping out! She says no visit but I bet if I throw a big enough fit and threaten to go away for Christmas she’ll totally cave and I’ll get my way!”. Tell her no holiday visit and move on.</p>
<p>My D is on a return trip to this same farm in Sweden she went last year . She is very green ,very into sustainable agriculture . Harvard PAID for her to go back with a grant . There goes the H word again ! The boy she met is the Godson of the mom on the farm .</p>
<p>FM,
CALL HIS PARENTS! You will learn much from a call to them, and can express your discomfort gently.
p.s. Your involvement may take a little of the “mystery” and “magic” away from this in your D’s eyes…
p.p.s. You are considering “hosting” a minor, and you need to connect with this minor’s parents to make sure they are aware of all this, approve of it.
p.p.p.s. It is your home to open or close to whomever you wish.</p>
<p>Honestly…I don’t see the issue. If this is a true romance, so be it. If it’s not…so be it. So what if he’s not a Harvard student. So what if he’s three years younger (it’s not like they are planning to marry tomorrow). </p>
<p>I agree with others…if you are uncomfortable about having this very young man as a guest in your house over the holidays…just SAY SO…and let the chips fall as they will.</p>
<p>@ fauxmaven - you honestly felt you had to PM me that response? Unless you’ve PM’d many others here I think my post was right in line. </p>
<p>You’re giving a ton of emotional energy to this. Sometimes our kids don’t need a friend, they just need a parent who is calm and even with a quick, deliberate response that is not up for negotiation. You can be both to your daughter, but not at the same time. Time to swap hats and drop the emotional temp on this one. It doesn’t deserve this reaction. I’m well aware you are waiting to talk to her. I don’t agree, but that’s your right. In the meantime you should in no way encourage the thought that you are interested in getting to know this young man (ie pictures, friend requests). It gives the impression that you approve.</p>
<p>I was hoping he was the grandson of a Saab executive or some such :-). </p>
<p>OP, have you had the ‘talk’ with DD regarding where she sees this here relationship going? Also, has her ‘H’ (there - I did not say it) performance been affected by the long distance relationship? or is there a risk of same?</p>
<p>The decision has two components - one is the emotional, parental component for which we can’t be of any help, and the other is the practical component, where we can provide some things to consider. </p>
<p>Other questions - what do your DD’s non-Swedish friends look like? i.e. has she demonstrated the ability to pick ‘parent-approved’ friends or do her friends look like the break room in the ‘Teen Mom’ studio? </p>
<p>Take as much emotion out of the decision making process first, run a 5-Why and a Six Sigma if you must on the available data, and then, once you have sorted these out, consider the emotional components.</p>
<p>I agree, and even as it pertains to their adult, dependent children.</p>
<p>My adult D at H (I purposely didn’t write it out so as not to offend;)) dated an H student whom I did not like at all (immature, odd, self-centered, not-well-liked-by-peers type of guy), and I told her I thought she should break up with him because I knew she could do better. She did (on both counts). End of story.</p>
<p>"My adult D at H (I purposely didn’t write it out so as not to offend) dated an H student whom I did not like at all (immature, odd, self-centered, not-well-liked-by-peers type of guy), and I told her I thought she should break up with him because I knew she could do better. She did (on both counts). " I many years ago MARRIED a guy because prior to this point , I had always done EXACTLY what my parents told me ! My 1 act of rebellion had turned into an abusive relationship -marriage and a little son who is now 31 and very close . At least I found MR . RIGHT (from H no less !) In August we celebrate 25 years of marriage …</p>