Guilt in a Relationship

Parent Cafe
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<p>This is my first time creating a thread in the Parents Forum, but I sincerely felt that it was here I could get the most useful advice. I’m not used to speaking so candidly, but I’ll give it a shot.</p>

<p>I’ll be heading off to college as a freshman this upcoming week. I’m not too emotional about the whole affair - but then again, I’m not emotional about many things, which can make communication a bit difficult. </p>

<p>My parents and I have essentially stopped communicating about some things. With regard to my mother, she hasn’t talked to me in a decent conversation since elementary school, so I’m not too surprised there; my expectations in the way of communication have been sufficiently lowered so that I’m not too bothered by the way we function. </p>

<p>My father, on the other hand, is someone who to talk to me on a regular basis, someone who asks and cares how I’m doing, someone who listens when I talk - in short, someone who I have developed a meaningful relationship with. However, I feel that lately, he’s becoming rather reckless with his expenses. He’s half a million dollars in debt due to the real estate bubble - and he’s working two jobs to pay it all back - yet he still gives me expensive gifts that I don’t need, want, or deserve and that end up draining his wallet. I know he can afford these things - for the moment, that is - but if he’s breaking his back by working three back-to-back twelve hour shifts at two different jobs to give me these gifts, I don’t want them. I can’t help but feel guilty, and I know that this is making things between us awkward and strained. I have already ruined one parental relationship, and I can’t bear the thought of losing another.</p>

<p>I’m not too sure how to approach this. I’ve already told him point blank that I don’t want him spending his money like this, especially with over $6,000 of non-discretionary expenses monthly, yet he continues to feel some perverse obligation to be exceedingly generous; my request that he be a bit more prudent with his finances and his health have gone in one ear and out the other. I’d like him to work less, as he’ll be turning 55 this year and is starting to experience some health problems, but he is pretty much monomaniacal when it comes to work. I’m very troubled by the fact that I haven’t been able to do much, and with a younger sister still in the house, I would like to be able to ensure to some degree that my parents take care of themselves so that she doesn’t suffer.</p>

<p>In short, this problem is occupying a significant slice of my time, and I’d really appreciate it if some would comment on this. :)</p>

<p>Any advice from some parents who have experienced similar situations? How would you like your child to approach this if they were in a situation like mine? If you were my parent, would you prefer that I said nothing at all? Is it none of my business how he spends his money? Am I just being a worrywart, or is this a legitimate concern?</p>

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<p>You are the child. He is the parent and the adult. While you and I may agree that he is making poor choices, they are his to make. You cannot control him. You have voiced your objections and have done what you could. He heard it, and now it is time for him to make his own choices. Do not feel any guilt. It sounds as though he is having a hard time accepting the fact that he no longer has the income he once had. Just keep talking to him, keep the lines of communication open, and accept him for what he is. Just show him that you love him no matter what. Many men show their love by their ability to provide and their work. They do it by actions, not necessarily by words. If you father is one of those then he is feeling guilty and is torn. Just be supportive. Trust he will find a way out of this.</p>

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<p>^^ Yes, he is the parent, and you need to let him make his mistakes for many reasons, not least your own sanity. I was in a similar position when I was your age and I didn’t realize that I really COULDN’T help…blamed myself for years for not fixing it all. Go to school, do the best you can with your own life (You sound very mature and sensitive, I’m guessing you’ll do well.) The best you can do for everyone else is to be solid on your own two feet and take good care of yourself. Your good sense and considered actions will have a good effect on your family-- maybe even set an example for your father. I am sending you so many good wishes-- this is a very hard situation–please enjoy your new life at college, your studies and your friends. That really is the best you can do for others as well.</p>

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<p>I recommend that you seek help from a college counselor during this period of your life. Some parents are unable to support their children well during the start of a college experience. This can happen for many reasons. A good counselor will be able to help you define what is your responsibility and what belongs to your parents. A good counselor will help you to become who you want to be while still maintaining a healthy perspective and hopefully, a relationship with your parents. If the first counselor is not a good fit, try another. Most insurance plans will cover the cost.</p>

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<p>How about asking cash gift in place? He could satisfy his need to give and you can save it for later. Just make sure to phrase it as something you need not something wise to do.</p>

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<p>This sentence jumped out at me – you are most definitely not responsible for “ruining” your relationship with your mother, especially if she has not talked to you since elementary school. </p>

<p>I agree with others here. It’s hard not to feel responsible for your family, but you are not, because you cannot be. Both because you are the child, but mostly because it is very hard to influence others’ behavior. Your father is acting out of love and probably a sense of loss, over his ability to provide (not to mention out of compulsion), and over your impending departure for college. Your only responsibility right now towards him is to be as loving as you can be. Tell him what you told us here, that his love and emotional support are what you need most. Then if he continues to give you gifts, the most loving thing you can do is to accept graciously.</p>

<p>On another note, there are 12 step groups for people who are chronically in debt, which might be helpful for your father, but again, it is his responsibility to recognize his own problems. You just can’t do that for him.</p>

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<p>That’s what I’ve gotten from this thread, which I think is excellent advice. It’ll be hard to change that portion of my mentality, but I’ll start working on it.</p>

<p>As for those advising counseling, I will lightly drop the suggestion, but if it’s not taken, I realize that there’s not much else I can do.</p>

<p>Thank you so much for responding! This has made everything a lot easier to process.</p>